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In a summer that was hotter than a Senator in an airport washroom, The MOB is here to recap the season's biggest news. Today's halftime is –
(5-note news intro)
Headlines of Summer, two-thousand seven.
drum intro
"Go Rice!"
The band swarms onto the field as the Show Assistants raise a gray circular wall at midfield. The band crashes against it like a breaking wave and stands around in confusion before proceeding...
an apple (to the left of the erected circle)
Building on its success with the i-pod and i-phone, Apple has announced its newest product, the i-govern. The i-govern streamlines debate and interfaces seamlessly with foreign governments. Coming later is the i-govern shuffle, which can only make randomized executive decisions. It can only be: an improvement.
Won't Get Fooled Again
During the music, the apple-shaped band crashes sideways into the construction obstacle; after it rebounds it appears disfigured as...
Apple, Inc. logo
iAm iNot iCrook
A man in a money jacket purchases the iGovern and uses it to take control of judges (wearing black robes) and congressfolk (in suits). Said public servants follow the direction cues of the man holding the iGovern and walk around zombified. Finally, an anonymous hero dumps a bucket of water on the iGovern, causing it to "explode" in a cloud of CO2. It falls over, its warranty is void, and its reign of terror ends.
fortune cookie
Lead tainted toys. Anti-freeze in toothpaste. Toxic pet food. These dangerous Chinese imports led to huge recalls this summer. Americans feel outraged and demand improvements, but the Chinese claim this is revenge for Americans having too much fun with their fortune cookies — in bed.
Rescue Me
Lucky #s: 3, 14, 15, 92
Show Assistants unroll huge fortune cookie strips with large text:
"You get nothing"
"Rice students are great"
"You are in for a big surprise" (in bed)
etc.
You may have noticed a large, gray eye-sore in today's show: the administration recently approved new construction at midfield. Though unsightly and inconvenient, they call it "academic progress;" we are not convinced.
And so, we tell you:
If you want peace, if you want prosperity,
Mr. Leebron, tear down – this wall!
R
Back in the U.S.S.R.
People representing the various residential colleges protest around the wall but are restrained by police. Sammy comes to the rescue with a sledgehammer and demolishes the wall. [ed. note: to much rejoicing in the student section] As the wall falls, so does the band in the 'R' form, like dominoes.
And finally, from the biggest news since last season, The MOB welcomes David Bailiff with our annual salute to the new coach! Mister Bailiff, we hope you lay down the law in Conference U-S-A. And we hope you take us to exotic destinations like Fort Worth or Mobile, Alabama for our Christmas vacation.
And then — unlike the last guy — we hope you stay.
PLEASE!
Stay
Exit.
In the event of flooding, The MOB reminds you that your seat cushion may not be used as a flotation device.
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