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Two "sportscasters" and a dog set up on-field (at approximately the south 35-yard line) with a wireless microphone behind a "desk" adorned with the ESPN logo.
drum intro
"Go Rice!"
two circles, vaguely resembling oversized testicles
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I am your announcer, Bilkin DeFans.
And I'm Mike AintAwn
And this is our color commentator, Spot the Dog.
Arf!
We're live at Rice Stadium bringing you the Sport Scum Olympics.
ESPN Sportscenter Theme
We have quite a contest today, and it's anyone's guess who will win. Mike, why don't you introduce the contestants?
First, representing Major League Baseball is new homerun king and alleged steroid user, Barry Bonds. Next, from the N-F-L, former running back and alleged armed-robber, O.J. Simpson. And finally, representing college football, head coach and alleged Human being, Todd Graham.
Unfortunately, we couldn't find enough planes to fly the entire Tour de France field over to houston.
But we did get Floyd Landis here today, and he has a special role in our first event: the inject and hide. Our contestants must inject a syringe into Landis's arm and dispose of the evidence. The first person to return empty-handed is the winner.
Call to Post
It looks like they're ready to start...
(referee whistle)
... and they're off!
William Tell Overture
circles/testicles begin to shrink
Three contestants pick up their giant syringes and run toward Floyd Landis on the 20-yard line. Then they run to the tunnel to dispose of the evidence. As they emerge from the tunnel neck-and-neck, Bill and Mike call the action as it happens...
Ladies and gentlemen, it's a photo finish!
William Tell abruptly ends, replaced by a bass drum heartbeat
All action turns into slow-motion. As the racers cross the 20, a photo strobe flashes.
And Barry Bonds wins!
Heartbeat stops; William Tell resumes near the end.
a white Ford Bronco
It looks like Barry's experience has paid off here today.
Yeah, he really stuck it to the rest of the field. After round one, Barry has one point and the lead. Bill, what's up for round two?
Well, before we move on, there's one person we're missing in today's sports scum contest: Michael Vick, who recently plead guilty to dogfighting charges. We now turn to Spot for his expert take on the matter. Spot?
Arf-arf. Ar-ar-arf. Arf. Arf!
Spot! You can not call Michael Vick a "flaming bag of poo" on the air. Apologize.
(growls)
Good boy.
Now back to the games. Our next event is the snatch-and-grab.
It's a real shame Isiah Thomas couldn't be here today. He's a natural at this one.
Yes, indeed. For this event, our contestants will have to break down a door, steal the contents of the room, and make their getaway. The first one to jump in the white Ford Bronco waiting outside wins.
All right, the contestants are lined up...
Low Rider
Referee blows the whistle to start the song and the action. Contestants break down doors to hold up occupants and snatch their belongings. O.J. makes it out first and escapes in a slow-moving white Ford Bronco with a police "escort." At the end of the song, the band scatters.
a chair
And The Juice is loose!
He's on the run from the cops! This disqualifies him from the next event!
That's okay, we can all look forward to his new book: If I Won It: Confessions of the Victor.
Well, our final event is musical teams! Last year, coaching vacancies opened at Rice, Tulsa, and a B-C-S school. The competition is fierce for that B-C-S position. Floyd Landis will fill-in for O.J. in this last event and — to make things more interesting — we've added a fourth contestant: a weasel.
Here we go!
Pop Goes the Weasel
Musical chairs round 1:
Bonds is eliminated; Rice "chair" is removed.
Maybe the steroids expanded Barry's head, but it didn't help his game plan here. He's gone.
Pop Goes the Weasel (continued)
Musical chairs round 2:
Landis is eliminated; Tulsa chair removed.
Ladies and gentlemen, with Landis out it's down to the two weasels!
Uhh, Bill? I think it's a ferret.
No, I'm pretty sure Todd Graham is a weasel.
Pop Goes the Weasel (continued to end)
Musical chairs round 3:
Todd Graham is eliminated, the Weasel wins.
And the weasel wins it!
Yes, and Todd Graham has been relegated to the Tulsa position. That might be just the coach the Golden Hurricane needs, considering Todd Graham blows
... all that hot air.
And with no time left today, it looks like a tie! That means we need a tiebreaker. Barry, Floyd, and Todd, the last person to get caught by the Feds wins!
Bill, let's get out of the way!
Louie, Louie
Cops chase down Bonds, Landis, and Graham.
Announcers grab the desk and clear off the field.
Even as the band exits the field, O.J. is still in the white Bronco leading his police escort.
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