Introduction
So you watched the Olympics on TV... The MOB is here to tell you what you didn't see on N-B-C.
Olympic Fanfare
On your marks...
Set...
Olympic start tone (beep)
"Go Rice!"
Band takes position on the sideline as if about to run a sprint. When the start tone is heard, band runs onto the field; as many individuals sprint as possible.
McCain / Phelps
Today, Senator John McCain surprised the world by selecting Olympian Michael Phelps as his running mate... As our nation's first amphibian-American candidate, Phelps is a proven race winner... and he reduces the average age of the Republican ticket to double digits...
By the way, that age is forty-eight.
48 ?
JMac owns the Adam & Eve rookie card.
As John McCain steps onto the field, legions of fans ignore him. His running mate, Michael Phelps, follows him out — at which point, the adoring fans swarm him and proceed to steal his medals, swim cap, and other articles of clothing. Finally, Phelps runs away (into the tunnel), followed by a single fan. The fan reemerges, holding Phelps' speedo.
Freestyle Lying
The Olympiad's newest event was freestyle lying ... defending champion, Satan, fell to third when John Edwards's "D-N-A denial" took second place. But China clinched the gold with the all-time classic:
"Honest, officer, she said she was sixteen!"
crossroads
Execution – 10.0
Plausibility – 0.1
Free Ride
Three Chinese workers and two supervisors are stitching shoes. As the first worker finishes, he does a back flip in celebration. His supervisors take him to a training area and he proceeds to jump rope and do push-ups. After training, he proceeds to an "Olympic" area to perform a floor excercise, after which he receives a gold medal. In the end, though, his supervisors drag him back to work in the factory.
I C B Js
Speedo helped set new swimming records, but technology aided other sports, too. Nike shoes carried the French to a win in the two-hundred meter sprint-retreat. In shot put, kegs of Guinness encouraged the Irish to hurl the farthest. Finally, Iranians made the world shudder with a new intra-competition ballistic javelin...
... or I-C-B-J.
an arrow
What goes up, must come ...
Vehicle
Two athletes and referees situate themselves on the 35-yard line, facing the stadium tunnel. The first athlete throws his javelin. The second drops his and whistles to his comrades, who proceed to drive a Soviet-era missile truck (disguised electric utility cart) out from the tunnel area, accompanied by soldiers. The "missile truck" fires red streamers and the referees award the gold to the soldier/athlete.
Aloha
That concludes our summary of this year's Olympics. We'd like to thank everyone who traveled to be here today...
Notably, S-M-U paid a whopping two-million dollars to ensure the attendance of coach June Jones. Please make him feel at home... Come on, everybody: say "Aloha!"
Luau, Luau! Oh-oh. We gotta go.
Louie, Louie
Band leaves the field.
Ladies and gentlemen, the two-thousand eight Marching Owl Band!
By our calculations, each of S-M-U's thirteen points has cost their school over one-hundred fifty-three thousand dollars. Now that's money well spent!
[score: Rice up 28-13 at the half, 56-27 final.]
