So you watched the Olympics on TV... The MOB is here to tell you what you didn't see on N-B-C.
On your marks...
Olympic start tone (beep)
Band takes position on the sideline as if about to run a sprint. When the start tone is heard, band runs onto the field; as many individuals sprint as possible.
Today, Senator John McCain surprised the world by selecting Olympian Michael Phelps as his running mate... As our nation's first amphibian-American candidate, Phelps is a proven race winner... and he reduces the average age of the Republican ticket to double digits...
By the way, that age is forty-eight.
JMac owns the Adam & Eve rookie card.
As John McCain steps onto the field, legions of fans ignore him. His running mate, Michael Phelps, follows him out — at which point, the adoring fans swarm him and proceed to steal his medals, swim cap, and other articles of clothing. Finally, Phelps runs away (into the tunnel), followed by a single fan. The fan reemerges, holding Phelps' speedo.
The Olympiad's newest event was freestyle lying ... defending champion, Satan, fell to third when John Edwards's "D-N-A denial" took second place. But China clinched the gold with the all-time classic:
"Honest, officer, she said she was sixteen!"
Execution – 10.0
Plausibility – 0.1
Three Chinese workers and two supervisors are stitching shoes. As the first worker finishes, he does a back flip in celebration. His supervisors take him to a training area and he proceeds to jump rope and do push-ups. After training, he proceeds to an "Olympic" area to perform a floor excercise, after which he receives a gold medal. In the end, though, his supervisors drag him back to work in the factory.
Speedo helped set new swimming records, but technology aided other sports, too. Nike shoes carried the French to a win in the two-hundred meter sprint-retreat. In shot put, kegs of Guinness encouraged the Irish to hurl the farthest. Finally, Iranians made the world shudder with a new intra-competition ballistic javelin...
... or I-C-B-J.
What goes up, must come ...
Two athletes and referees situate themselves on the 35-yard line, facing the stadium tunnel. The first athlete throws his javelin. The second drops his and whistles to his comrades, who proceed to drive a Soviet-era missile truck (disguised electric utility cart) out from the tunnel area, accompanied by soldiers. The "missile truck" fires red streamers and the referees award the gold to the soldier/athlete.
That concludes our summary of this year's Olympics. We'd like to thank everyone who traveled to be here today...
Notably, S-M-U paid a whopping two-million dollars to ensure the attendance of coach June Jones. Please make him feel at home... Come on, everybody: say "Aloha!"
Luau, Luau! Oh-oh. We gotta go.
Band leaves the field.
Ladies and gentlemen, the two-thousand eight Marching Owl Band!
By our calculations, each of S-M-U's thirteen points has cost their school over one-hundred fifty-three thousand dollars. Now that's money well spent!
[score: Rice up 28-13 at the half, 56-27 final.]
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