University of Southern Mississippi vs. Rice

Rice Stadium – Houston, Texas

October 18, 2008

The Situation in Brief

Introduction

Announcer:

Foreign wars. Failing financial systems. These are troubling times. With troubling times come troubling questions, which all Americans must be prepared to answer:

What will happen to my savings?
Which leader should I vote for?
And does this dress make me look fat?

Music:

drum intro

MOB:

"Go Rice!"

Field Action:

Band enters the field.

Briefs

Announcer:

To find answers, we tracked down the presidential candidates and asked them the question that is foremost in everyone's minds: Boxers, or briefs? Obama said that – for him – the flexibility for change requires boxers.

[video board: still image; McCain 'Boxers or Briefs?']

Announcer:

John McCain couldn't contain himself; his answer was: "Depends."

[video board: still image; McCain 'Depends']

Formation:

A pair of boxers which then, during the song, shortens into a pair of briefs.

Text Display:

Both are overflowing with ... hope?

Music:

Love Potion No. 9

Advice

Announcer:

Some prominent community members offered us their financial advice. Joel Osteen prays we buy his new book: Become a Better Economy – Seven Steps to Bigger, Harder Funds. ... While Rice President David Leebron suggested that the key to survival is to be well-endowed.

Formation:

Text Display:

Who knew? Size DOES matter.

Music:

Rescue Me

Translations

Announcer:

So, what exactly do you get for seven-hundred billion dollars? Only this:

Roses are red; violets are blue.
Wall Street is screwed, and ... well, so are you.

Formation:

Music:

Money for Nothing

[during song, formation changes to...]

Formation:

cent symbol

Text Display:

Nothin' for Money, but checks are free!

Little Lamb

Announcer:

They say poems bring comfort, so here's another:

Mary had a sub-prime loan,
her account was short on dough.
And everywhere that Mary went,
her debt was sure to grow.

It followed her to school one day;
she couldn't make tuition.
While the other kids could laugh and pay,
she suffered malnutrition.

Formation:

A shrinking body (starts fat, becomes pencil-thin)

Text Display:

"Freshman 15" down 22.89%

Music:

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Crash

[on 2nd stanza below, start happily and gradually change to a disillusioned tone]

Announcer:

Twinkle, twinkle, little bank;
how I wonder when you'll tank.
Losing money every day;
going down like Fannie Mae.

Twinkle, twinkle, little bank;
let's give you seven-hundred billion dollars and-pretend-this-never-happened.

Text Display:

The "Invisible Hand" is on the dole.

Music:

Louie, Louie

Field Action:

Band exits the field.

Announcer:

Ladies and gentlemen, the two-thousand eight Marching Owl Band! We're tired of commenting on the economy, but only you can fix it — cast your vote on November fourth.