Foreign wars. Failing financial systems. These are troubling times. With troubling times come troubling questions, which all Americans must be prepared to answer:
What will happen to my savings?
Which leader should I vote for?
And does this dress make me look fat?
Band enters the field.
To find answers, we tracked down the presidential candidates and asked them the question that is foremost in everyone's minds: Boxers, or briefs? Obama said that – for him – the flexibility for change requires boxers.
[video board: still image; McCain 'Boxers or Briefs?']
John McCain couldn't contain himself; his answer was: "Depends."
[video board: still image; McCain 'Depends']
A pair of boxers which then, during the song, shortens into a pair of briefs.
Both are overflowing with ... hope?
Love Potion No. 9
Show Assistants in full uniform walk on field in front of student section and the home side, shooting Depends adult diapers into the stands. The Depends have "You can always Depend on the MOB" written on the side.
Some prominent community members offered us their financial advice. Joel Osteen prays we buy his new book: Become a Better Economy – Seven Steps to Bigger, Harder Funds. ... While Rice President David Leebron suggested that the key to survival is to be well-endowed.
Who knew? Size DOES matter.
A group of Show Assistants dressed as club members gather on the far side of the band's 'R', with their piggy bank. Other SAs, carrying a large money bag, enter from the other side of the 'R' and join the other group by shoving their piggy bank into the giant sack.
So, what exactly do you get for seven-hundred billion dollars? Only this:
Roses are red; violets are blue.
Wall Street is screwed, and ... well, so are you.
Money for Nothing
[during song, formation changes to...]
Nothin' for Money, but checks are free!
Flydown of a bank from the upper deck. Unexpectedly, the bank cleanly splits into two sections at the end of the flight, with the lower half slamming into the ground.
(Note: The SAs had multiple technical difficulties with this prop during the performance, including but not limited to failure to actually separate.)
They say poems bring comfort, so here's another:
Mary had a sub-prime loan,
her account was short on dough.
And everywhere that Mary went,
her debt was sure to grow.
It followed her to school one day;
she couldn't make tuition.
While the other kids could laugh and pay,
she suffered malnutrition.
A shrinking body (starts fat, becomes pencil-thin)
"Freshman 15" down 22.89%
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
A group of Rice administrators carry a giant money bag and extort "band members" for tuition. One is unable to pay and is thrown whole-body into the bag in lieu of her money.
[on 2nd stanza below, start happily and gradually change to a disillusioned tone]
Twinkle, twinkle, little bank;
how I wonder when you'll tank.
Losing money every day;
going down like Fannie Mae.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bank;
let's give you seven-hundred billion dollars and-pretend-this-never-happened.
The "Invisible Hand" is on the dole.
Band exits the field.
Ladies and gentlemen, the two-thousand eight Marching Owl Band! We're tired of commenting on the economy, but only you can fix it — cast your vote on November fourth.
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