[waiting on the sidelines]
Good afternoon, ladies and germs. The MOB would like to welcome the U-C-F Knights to our stadium by telling you the filthiest jokes ever read on the P-A.
Band takes the field.
To begin, we'll tell you the tale of a bunch of men working in the desert, with no women for miles and miles...
[cue: "for miles"]
We interrupt with breaking news. The C-D-C has just announced a dihydrogen monoxide pandemic! Symptoms include:
- bloated feeling
- electrolyte imbalance, and
- excessive urination
Gerber uses it in baby food, and football players use it to boost athletic performance. We urge you — write congress before it's too late!
[cue: "too late"]
And the other guy said, "Good. Tonight is your turn in the barrel."
water molecule (two 'H's joined by straight lines to a single 'O')
Three Show Assistants within the band formation collapse from dehydration. Luckily, they are revived by a dousing of water from large buckets brought by other helpful SAs.
Say, do you know how many Golden Knights it takes to screw in a...
[cue: "to screw"]
We interrupt this halftime for a public service announcement. The W-H-O has just informed us that cephalic endocranial grey matter currently inhabits nearly every human on the planet! C-E-G-M lodges itself between the ears and fires electrical impulses with the potential to control your mind and body. C-E-G-M abuse has led to such tragedies as:
- the Twilight series
- the potential Rice-Baylor merger, and
- pod-style bathrooms in Duncan and McMurtry
Protect yourselves before it's too late!
[cue: "too late"]
Well, how do you think I rang the doorbell?
a brain, complete with brain stem
A show assistant from the previous segment lingers on the field. A large brain emerges from the tunnel and proceeds to manipulate the show assistant as if she were a marionette.
So a bear and a rabbit walk into the woods, they come...
[cue: "the woods"]
We interrupt this halftime for some important information. Experiments from the Large Hadron Collider have just confirmed the presence of an invisible substance comprising seventy percent of the known universe!
Bravely probing where the sun don't shine, astronomers warn us to watch out for dark matter — it has nearly as much gravitational pull as your mom.
[cue: "your mom"]
"That's great!" said the bear, and then it grabbed the rabbit.
L H C
Several Show Assistants scatter to the field in a random formation. A box-on-wheels, covered in black to represent dark matter, runs over each SA – adding him/her to a cluster formed around the box. The box/SA cluster then leaves the field.
So get this: a priest, a nun, and a very smelly rabbit walk into a bar...
[cue: "walk into"]
We interrupt yet again for an important news bulletin. Scientists have identified a fungally-infected secretion that could be sitting in your nachos, or oozing through your internal organs right now: Cheese.
[cue: "cheese"; use deep ominous voice]
Not only does it make your fingers stink, it's the sole cause of the obesity crisis and most bad puns. Leading cheese analysts reveal muensterous implications that will monterrey jack up your digestive tract. In short, it's nooo gouda.
[cue: "no gouda"]
And that's how I found out the kind of shower used by Golden Knights.
Shiver My Timbers
Show Assistants stage a cheese protest.
"I Think I Learned Something Today" (from South Park)
You know, I think we all learned something today. Facts. They attempt to force themselves on everyone and everything. And you know, they're not as scary as they first seem.
Band exits the field.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Marching Owl Band would like to thank the Heart of the Hornets band from Louise High School, who appeared on-field in today's performance. The Hornets Band is directed by Scott Reeves, a very cool cat indeed. The MOB reminds you to get your cool cats spayed and neutered.
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MOB Scripts are the intellectual property of Rice University and various contributors.
Publication in whole or part, in physical or electronic form, is expressly prohibited without prior, written consent.