[Band waits on the sideline.]
Last time, on As The World Turns, the formerly-Virgin Islands kept insisting that "colonization doesn't count," and India broke it off with Australia because he just "wasn't a real continent." Your geo-political soap opera starts now.
Band enters the field.
Our dashing hero, The United States, has been having problems with trust. As we all know, he's accused Iran of carrying another man's Weapons of Mass Destruction, while she says Ukraine was "just a friend!" How many other long-range missiles were involved? Is she with W-M-D?
Hey, MOB, what does the pregnancy test say?
Back in the USSR
USA and Iran cutouts argue. A missile appears, and Iran quickly steps in front of it, whistling; the missile takes a step to one side, revealing itself, and Iran steps in front of it again, concealing it; repeat. The "other country", Ukraine, runs onto the field and gets into a fight with USA.
a heart of love
My dearest Afghanistan,
Has it already been nearly eight years? When I moved my troops into you, I felt like I was filling needs I'd forgotten about for decades. I'm sorry for invading that other country back in two-thousand three; I don't know what I was thinking. Only you could possibly have what I really want. I know I moved my troops from you to her, but baby, I'm changing that. I'm pulling out of her for good. Then we can have as many military operations inside your borders as we want. Please, baby, take me back.
The United States of America
Theme from Romeo and Juliet
Cutouts of USA and Afghanistan run towards each other in slow motion. Then USA sneaks away to be with Iraq. Afghanistan discovers them and dashes off the field, blubbering. Iraq slaps the two-timing USA and does the same.
America's also been having domestic troubles with some of his children. Texas ran away from home yesterday, saying, "He's not my real president, okay? I'm seceding, and I won't be coming back this time."
Of course, when Texas does secede, they're just gonna leave Dallas behind where it belongs: with Oklahoma.
Band exits the field.
Ladies and gentlemen, the two-thousand nine Marching Owl Band.
The MOB is directed by Chuck Throckmorton, who is assisted by:
Drum Major Jamie Sammis,
drum minor Ryan Kruse,
and Executive Producer Brian Leake.
I'm your announcer, Susan Lucci. We'll see you next year!
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