Ah, Robertson Stadium. Another perfectly ordinary night in a perfectly wonderful place. Nope, nothing bad is going to happen to this half-time. Nice weather we're having, eh? Ah, there's the band now.
Let me take this time to assure you folks that the rumors of a virus infecting this performance are patently false. We are all perfectly fine. Why, look at us! We are doing just– Holy fishsticks! What is that thing?!
A masked creature unexpectedly runs screaming onto the field, followed by the rest of the band (which is quite surprised).
Read the following in an exaggerated voice.
Pause, then continue next segment slowly as band gets to position.
Leeeerroyyy (ah) Jenkins
Did it get anyone? Is everyone all right? [pause]
You're sure? No one's exhibiting flu-like symptoms such as cough or fever? [pause]
No one has developed a small, curly tail? Okay, if you're sure, let's get on with it.
M O B
Dixie Rice (which is interrupted by...)
Never Gonna Give You Up
What? No! That song is sooo two-thousand five. Excuse us, folks, we must have clicked the wrong link. I assure you, that won't happen again.
Dixie Rice (ending)
Oh no. Oh, no-no-no! Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that a viral video virus has already infected several members of the band and may be spreading throughout the stadium as we speak. Please protect yourselves. Run away from YouTube links. Pay no attention to strange phrases that make no sense. Whatever you do, avoid "LOL" and "can haz" at all costs.
What's going on down there? What are you doing?! Is– is that a badger?! Listen, I am ceiling cat and I am watching you — so don't give me any of that "don't taze me, bro" garbage– Oh, my... I think the virus has me, too.
Dragostea Din Tei (aka "Numa Numa")
Oh please, not that song. Anything but that.
I'm afraid to say, we may have contracted a lethal strain. Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that this half-time is now... creatively dead. You might as well end it now, Keyboard Cat
A keyboardist dressed as a furry cat plays a jingle on his synth.
Pause for "Keyboard Cat"; read next sentence as director begins music count-off.
Wait! What's this?
Thriller (fanfare intro)
A tombstone inscribed with a cross
A silver-gloved hand shoots up from a grave that has been present on the sideline throughout the show. A Michael Jackson look-alike rises and moonwalks.
[exasperated:] All right. All right! We might as well cover all the bases that are belong to us.
This year, The MOB is thankful for all the people and events that became fodder for our shows. We'd like to thank them and let bygones be bygones. So please welcome to the sideline, guest conductor and Tulsa head coach: Todd Graham. Let's see what he wants us to do next.
Tombstone becomes a hot water bottle, and the cross transforms into a large letter 'D'
Todd Graham look-alike shakes hands with everyone, climbs to the top of a ladder and instructs the band — with a giant sign — to "FAKE IT". The band falls down suddenly with injuries.
Ooh. Ouch. It looks like there's an injury on the field. And we're almost out of time. We might need to stop the clock. But you don't mind, do you, Professor Bertman?
Band exits the field.
Remember folks, The MOB is:
CRYSTAL METH IN A CAN.
WITHOUT THE CAN.
NINE-THOUSAND BABIES IN YOUR MOM.
WE RUN LIKE CANADIANS.
THE FIRST LETTER OF THE ALPHABET!
THE LAST LETTER OF "KENYA!"
I HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM.
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MOB Scripts are the intellectual property of Rice University and various contributors.
Publication in whole or part, in physical or electronic form, is expressly prohibited without prior, written consent.