Scripts

Here, you’ll find a list of past halftime scripts for your reading enjoyment. Please bear with us as we convert all the old scripts to this new format.

Special thanks go out to John “Grungy” Gladu, whose hard work and tireless dedication make such a page possible.
 

2019 2018 2017 2016 2011 1999 1998 1997 1995 1994 1993 1992 1990 1989 1988 1987 1986 1980 1979 1978 1977 1976 1975 1974 1973 1972 1971 1968

The “KISS” Show
Wake Forest, Sep 6, 2019
“Texas is Back! to the Future”
UT, Sep 14, 2019
“Star Bears”
Baylor, Sep 21, 2019
“The Non-Newsworthy Karaoke Show”
LA Tech, Sep 28, 2019
“The Spooky Scary Show”
Southern Miss, Oct 26, 2019
“The 2019 Homecoming Show”
Marshall, Nov 2, 2019
“Scooby Doo Meets Santana: The Texas Theft”
UNT, Nov 23, 2019
Pregame 2019

“The Emo Show”
UTEP, Mar 5, 2020
“What a Year It Has Been”
PVAMU, Aug 25, 2018
“Get Out of My Swamp”
UH, Sep 1, 2018
The “Pink Floyd Show” Show
UTSA, Oct 6, 2018
The “Blasting Off” Show
UAB, Oct 13, 2018
The “Politics Is a No-No” Show
UTEP, Nov 3, 2018
The “Tech Savvy” Show
@ LA Tech, Nov 10, 2018
The “Star” Show
ODU, Nov 24, 2018
“The Title (is) Nine”
Baylor, Sep 16, 2016
“The MOB Drinks to Forget”
UNT, Sep 24, 2016
“We R Family”
UTSA, Oct 15, 2016
“Flash MOB”
PVAMU, Oct 22, 2016
“Spoopy Places”
@ LA Tech, Oct 29, 2016
“Owl-ection Show Time”
FAU, Nov 5, 2016
“Minor Thoughts”
UTEP, Nov 19, 2016
"$ECcess?"
@ UT, Sep 3, 2011
"If you build it, she will come"
Purdue, Sep 10, 2011
“You(r’re) NUTS”
UT, Sep 4, 2010
“BROpocalypse Now”
SMU, Oct 2, 2010
“As Seen On TV”
UH, Oct 16, 2010
“Alcohol, Crabs, and Segal. Oh my!”
@ Tulane, Nov 13, 2010
“Arr! Here be a halftime!”
East Carolina, Nov 20, 2010
“Sport Marketing Show”
SMU, Sep 5, 1998
“Devil with the Purple Suit”
Northwestern, Sep 19, 1998
“Good Idea/Bad Idea”
@ Texas, Sep 26, 1998
“MS MOB ’98”
Tulsa, Oct 17, 1998
“Homecoming x 8”
UNLV, Nov 14, 1998
“Christmas ’98”
@ Air Force, Nov 21, 1998
Summer Recap
Air Force, Sep 6, 1997
EtOH
@ Tulane, Sep 13, 1997
Selling Out
Texas, Sep 27, 1997
“Olympian Summer Recap”
Sam Houston State, Sep 26, 1992
The “Wild Kingdom” Show
Texas, Oct 3, 1992
Columbus Quincentennial
SMU, Oct 10, 1992
Nightline
@ A&M, Oct 17, 1992
TTU, Nov 7, 1992

Arthurian Reprise
Baylor, Nov 14, 1992
007 meets Gilligan’s Isle
Navy, Nov 21, 1992
Radio Talk Show
@ UH, Nov 28, 1992
“Ruthless People”
SMU, Sep 13, 1986
“Alcohol”
TSU, Sep 20, 1986
“The Oil Slump”
UT, Oct 4, 1986
TTU, Oct 18, 1986 “The Immigrants”
@ A&M, Oct 25, 1986
“Evolution”
Baylor, Nov 15, 1986
Air Force, Nov 22, 1986 “101 Things”
@ UH, Nov 29, 1986
“Performing Arts in Houston”
@ SMU, Sep 8 1979
“Oklahoma!”
Oklahoma, Sep 29, 1979
“Frog”
TCU, Oct 13, 1979
“A Few Remarx”
UT, Oct 26, 1974

Wake Forest University vs. Rice

September 6, 2019
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 41—21

Pregame Top 5

For today’s pregame entertainment, the MOB would like to present our completely unbiased rankings of the top five forests of all time.

Coming in dead last at number five, we have our opponent of the day, Wake Forest.

Coming in at number four, we have the Alabama football star, USA ping pong champion, and Vietnam Veteran, Forrest Gump.

As our number three, we have Mirkwood Forest, which Bilbo Baggins traversed on his way to the Lonely Mountain.

Our number two forest in the world is the amazing Amazon Rainforest. And if we want to keep it this high in the rankings we should all be making an effort to save it.

And at number one in our completely unbiased forest ranking, we have the Rice University campus, which we consider a forest since, as any tour guide would tell you, it has more trees than undergraduates.

The “KISS” Show

Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: You wanted the best, you got the best. Presenting their KISS show, the Hottest Scatterband in the Land, The MOB!
Formation: K I S S
Music: Detroit Rock City
Announcer: After 46 years of rock and rolling all night, and partying every day, KISS is finally going on their last tour, perhaps a few decades late. Known for their loud music and crazy pyrotechnics, KISS could wake any place up… except sleepy North Carolina.
Formation: Z z z
Music: Rock and Roll All Night
Action: 30-yard tongue comes out from large Gene Simmons face
Announcer: While KISS liked to play with fire, fire can also have negative consequences. We’d like to turn your attention to the current situation in the Amazon. We encourage you to educate yourself with reputable news sources and do whatever you can to help, and show it some love. Because of the two forests that are hot flaming disasters, only one matters, and it’s not Wake Forest.
Formation: Branch with leaves
Music: I Was Made for Loving You
Action: Leaves of branch shrivel up, while Gene Simmons’ tongue chases and catches a Wake Forest football player
Announcer: As our show reaches the End of its Road, we’d like to list a few things we’ve learned from doing a halftime show about KISS. Pyrotechnics are fun if you don’t burn any trees down, it’s okay to party until you’re 70 if you’re making money off it, and there’s absolutely no reason for anyone to have a tongue as long as Gene Simmons.
Music: Fight Song
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: We’d like to thank you for coming out today. We don’t usually play on Fridays so we don’t know what we’ll be doing tonight, so if you have any ideas just tweet us @ricemob.

University of Texas at Austin vs. Rice

September 14, 2019
NRG Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 48—13

Pregame Top 5

Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to NRG. U.S. News recently released this year’s college rankings. For today’s pregame entertainment, the MOB would like to present our completely unbiased rankings of the top five universities in Texas.

At number five, we have Baylor University. The Bears are the oldest university in Texas. We decided to include them exclusively out of pity for their location in Waco.

Next we have the University of Houston. The Rice Owls and the Cougars have a long, hard-fought history in football. Sometimes they’d win, other times we’d really come close. Sharing the best city in Texas with us clocks them in at number four.

Next is Texas A&M. As the victims of one of our most controversial shows of all time, they land at number three, despite the Aggies best efforts to be ranked lower.

At last, number two, the University of Texas… San Antonio. We congratulate the Roadrunners for being our Texas runner-ups. We’d also like to give UT Austin an honorable mention, but we think you get enough attention already.

And at number one in our completely unbiased ranking of Texas Universities, we have the one and only Rice University! You can check any ranking, the owls are still, and will always be, indisputably the best.

“Texas is Back! to the Future”

Announcer: In the spirit of “keeping Austin weird,” today you get to witness the weirdest band in the nation, presenting their “Back to the Future” show, it’s the MOB!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: Texas fans, do you wish Texas football would finally be back? Well, today is your lucky day, because today we’re taking you back in time, to a year when we all thought Colt McCoy would actually be good.
Formation: “Back to the Future” arrow
Music: Johnny B. Goode
Action: Delorean drives around field
Announcer: We’ve travelled back nine years to 2010, the last time Texas played in a National Championship. Things were a little different then: our president didn’t want to nuke a hurricane, and Matthew McConaughey was still an actor, not a wannabe professor.
Formation: 2 0 1 0
Music: School’s Out
Action: Delorean keeps driving. Vroom vroom.
Announcer: Let’s go back to the future, to the year 2029. Ten years from now, things mostly stay the same:

  • Baylor will be in another scandal,
  • The Aggies will still be too scared to play the Longhorns,

…wait for it…

  • and Texas will still lose to powerhouse schools like LSU… Maryland… and Kansas.
Formation: The horns hand sign, with a sign pointing to the bottom saying “This way up”
Music: Time Warp
Action: Arrow eventually flips to point up
Announcer: Now we’re back in the present, where Texas is doing their best to be an elite institution. Too bad your football team doesn’t have elite GPAs. Now tell us, was that 2.89 average? Or cumulative?
Formation: 2 . 8 9
Music: Louie, Louie
Announcer: Let’s get this out of the way. Yes, we see the scoreboard. We hope it was worth the gridlock on 71 and 290.

Baylor University vs. Rice

September 21, 2019
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 21—13

Pregame Top 5

For today’s pregame entertainment, the MOB would like to present to you our rankings of the top five things to do in Waco.

Starting at number five, we have go to Dallas. Dallas is home to a Six Flags and Houston’s least favorite football team.

Coming in at number four, you can go to Austin! The Texas Capitol is obviously worth visiting while you’re vacationing in the luxurious city of Waco.

At number three, we have go to San Antonio. Stroll through the riverwalk, and level up your Texas pride as you do your best to remember the Alamo.

At number two, visit the Dr. Pepper Museum. Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco, and what better way to commemorate that than to give it a whole museum.

And the number one activity in Waco… go to Houston! If you’re only three hours away from the greatest city in Texas, you might as well come for a visit.

“Star Bears”

Announcer: A long time ago, in a galaxy not so far away, a band in Houston decided they preferred jokes and satire over mindless marching. Presenting their “Star Wars” show, it’s The MOB!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: It is a period of Texas war. Rebels strive for their first victory against the evil Baylor administration. Our spies stole the plans to Darth Baylor’s ultimate weapon: a Death Bear with just enough power to destroy a UTSA football team.
Formation: Death Bear
Music: Imperial March
Action: A green laser beam shoots out of the death bear
Announcer: Recently, Darth Baylor released some questionable statements that disturbed a significant part of the galaxy. We tried to get help from once Texas legend Obe-vo Kenobi, but he and the force at UT vanished ten years ago, and still aren’t back. We’ll have to deal with this our own way. And the best way to solve any problem with a bear is to poke it… with a lightsaber.
Formation: Angry longhorn head
Music: Duel of the Fates
Action: A MOBster has a lightsaber duel with Darth Baylor and defeats him
Announcer: The war is over! People across the nation celebrated the surrender of Darth Baylor as once-marginalized students found their places in second homes, like Rice, where we believe in supporting all our outstanding students, even those who like the Star Wars prequels.
Formation: P r i d e
Music: YMCA
Action: About 70 pride flags, carried by Rice and Baylor students and alumni, rush onto the field from the tunnel, form the “i” in “Pride” and scatter around the field
Announcer: Thank you to all the awesome volunteers who helped us celebrate the diversity found on our campuses! Without your generous donations and selfless effort, all of this would not be possible. Baylor, we urge you to reconsider your policy and support all your amazing students. May the Force be with you. Good Night!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: Thanks for watching. Spread love, not hate.
Epilogue: This show felt good. Baylor fans weren’t too happy we were calling their admin out like that, but it was important to call attention to the issue. We coordinated with Baylor’s Gamma Alpha Upsilon group and Rice students to get volunteers to carry Pride flags onto the field, many of which were donated to us. https://www.ricethresher.org/article/2019/09/mob-lets-pride-fly-in-baylor-halftime-show https://www.houstonchronicle.com/news/education/article/Rice-band-half-time-show-in-solidarity-with-14458563.php

Louisiana Tech University vs. Rice

September 28, 2019
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 23—20

Pregame Top 5

It is Families’ Weekend, so for today’s pregame entertainment, the MOB would like to present the top five things your children are definitely not doing in college.

At number five, your children are definitely not eating servery pizza every day for lunch and dinner.

At number four, your good Rice student is absolutely not in any way, shape, or form waiting the whole semester to wash their sheets.

Number three. Your wonderful child has not touched a single drop of alcohol. Especially not on Thursday Pub nights.

Number two. They are absolutely not using their Rice-given HBO subscription to binge-watch Game of Thrones again instead of studying.

And number one. Your amazing students are definitely not sleeping through their 8 AMs, or their 9 AMs. Or their 1 PMs. But your children are attending Rice, so that should make up for what they’re not doing.

“The Non-Newsworthy Karaoke Show”

Announcer: After making our mark on the media for the last two weeks, today we’ve decided to take it down a notch for Families’ Weekend. Presenting our karaoke show, it’s the MOB!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: Today’s show will include some of the most overplayed songs of all time, starting with “Livin’ on a Prayer.” If you’ve ever been to a karaoke night, you’ve probably heard someone sing this song, and you’ve probably also hoped they would stop. If you know the lyrics, and you probably do, we invite you to sing along!
Formation: Guitar
Music: Livin’ on a Prayer
Announcer: Somebody once told me the next song we’d be playing is “All Star,” which a lot of the millennials in this stadium should be familiar with. This song gained most of its popularity from its use in the 2001 movie Shrek. This is fitting because Shrek, like the people of Houston, lives in a swamp.
Formation: Treble clef and key signature
Music: All Star
Announcer: If you haven’t sung your heart out just yet, we’re giving you one more chance to do so with “Sweet Caroline.” You may have heard this song in commercials, movies, or just about every sporting event you’ve ever gone to. LA Tech fans, we especially want you to sing so you can try to gorget the fact that you live in Louisiana.
Formation: Piano
Music: Sweet Caroline
Action: LA Tech Band enters from rear sideline to sing along
Announcer: We would like to thank the Louisiana Tech Band of Pride for joining us on the field today. We’d also like to thank all the families that came to visit this weekend. We hope you all had some fun singing along with us today. Bonus points to whoever can sing along with this next one!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: Parents here today, we hope you got a good dose of bonding time with your child. Hopefully it was enough to forgive them for skipping half their classes and not being pre-med anymore. Have a great rest of the weekend. Goodnight!

Bonus…

University of Southern Mississippi vs. Rice

October 26, 2019
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 20—6

Pregame Top 5

Halloween is coming soon, so for today’s pregame entertainment, the MOB would like to present the top five scariest things we can think of.

Starting with number five Mississippi. Getting stuck on the elevator of Sid Richardson College.

Number four Mississippi. Receiving an email with the subject line “Concerning Your Attendance Grade.”

Number three Mississippi. Leaving our rooms and hearing the door slam behind us as we realize we forgot our keys.

Number two Mississippi. Watching a certain baseball team from DC give our Astros trouble. Few things are spookier than a professional team with the Walgreens logo.

And number one Mississippi. The scariest thing we could think of is having to wake up early because today’s game starts at noon.

The Spooky Scary Show

Announcer: Today we would like to invite you to experience the average Rice student’s Halloween. Presenting our spooookiest show of the year, it’s the MOB!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: Our shocking story begins! You wake up in the scariest place of all, from which citizens have fled in droves, leaving behind a ghost town of unclaimed beds… Hanszen College! But today, something seems off. Suddenly it hits you… The beds…are not empty! [Ed.—relevant Thresher article]
Formation: B O O
Music: Welcome to the Jungle
Announcer: You have safely escaped from the spirits in Hanszen only to find it’s now 30 degrees colder and campus is flooded. Houston weather is more unpredictable than other terrifying villains like Freddy Krueger, the Joker, or most of the Presidential candidates.
Formation: Pumpkin
Music: Evil Ways
Announcer: At the end of this bone-chilling day you must decide if you will go to Baker 13 or do your homework. We are giving you one minute to text “yes” or “no” to 1-800-BAKER13.
[5 second pause]
Time’s up! twelve thousand people voted yes. Thank you for making poor life decisions!
Formation: A + transitions to F –
Music: Because It’s Midnite
Announcer: Congratulations! You’ve made it through Halloween alive! After braving the college crypt, enduring unearthly weather, and sacrificing your GPA to the devil of Baker College, you must come face to face with the most horrifying thing of all: early Christmas decorations.
MOB: Shrieks at the mention of Christmas decorations
Formation: Christmas tree
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: We hope you enjoy your Halloween. Remember, you can never be too old to go trick-or-treating. Happy Halloween!

Marshall University vs. Rice

November 2, 2019
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 20—7

Pregame Top 5

Ladies and Gentlement and also Alumni, welcome to Rice Stadium. It’s been ten years since the establishment of the latest residential colleges and we believe it’s time for the twelfth. For today’s pregame entertainment, we present our top five choices for the next residential college.

Number five, the class of 23’s own creation, McPlunkett.

At number four, we have the Oshman Engineering Design Kitchen. Although the might have an unfair advantage with the Beer Bike builds.

Clocking in at number three, we have our beloved Coffeehouse. That homey coffee smell makes it just as comforting as any college commons.

At number two, we have Fondren Library. Throughout the year, several students sleep here more often than they do at their own colleges, making it a logical choice.

And at number one, we the MOB believe that we should be officially declared our own residential college, and will be making this request as soon as this game is over.

The 2019 Homecoming Show

Announcer: Welcome back, Rice Alumni! You already know who we are but we’re gonna tell you anyway. Celebrating the 100th anniversary of our first homecoming, it’s your favorite non-marching band, the MOB!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: John F. Kennedy once asked, “Why does Rice play Texas?” Our answer? Because we can beat them in volleyball. This season our volleyball team stunned number three Texas in a five set thriller and are now ranked eighteenth in the nation. Coincidentally, eighteen is also the number of construction sites on campus.
Formation: 3 – 2 (the score of the Texas game)
Music: Eye of the Tiger
Announcer: After some rule adjustments, Baker 13 defenses were reallowed just in time for Halloween and basketball season. Thanks to a tremendous defense, last year our Women’s Basketball team swept Conference USA, winning a record 28 games and finishing the season ranked 24th in the nation. Few things bring Rice together like good defenses and streaking!
Formation: Basketball hoop
Music: Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2
Action: Oversize basketball prop goes through hoop.
Announcer: To wrap up our show, we will present a quick list of non sports-related Rice updates for all the old folks in the crowd:

  • We’re building an opera house, a social sciences building, a new Sid Rich, and an inflatable dome;
  • Las spring, McMurtry won their first Beer Bike! ..until they didn’t because of penalties which let Will Rice win… again;
  • Martel is still not a college;
  • Nobody wants to live in Hanszen;
  • The freshen established McPlunkett, the official 12th residential college, then quickly forgot about it during O-Week;
  • Rice had an extremely low acceptance rate of 8.7%, much to Leebron’s delight. Too bad that didn’t help us in the U.S. news rankings;
  • And finally, Beer Bike is being renamed to White Claw Bike due to popular Alumni demand!
Formation: Script Rice (fall down like dominos)
Announcer: We were kidding about that last one.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: Please don’t start frantically cancelling your donations. We thank you for coming. Enjoy the rest of the game!

University of North Texas vs. Rice

November 23, 2019
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: W 20—14

Pregame Top 5

In honor of our friends at North Texas, today we present our top five favorite cardinal directions.

Starting with number five, the East.

At number four despite some issues like California and El Paso, we have the West.

At number three, we have, yet again, the East. Our reasoning? The East of Texas has Houston, while the North of Texas does not.

Coming in at number two, you guessed it, it’s not the North. It’s the West again. Congrats to the West on also earning two spots.

And at number one, we have the South. We realize we’re a little biased, but we don’t care. We’re the Blues Band of South Main.

Scooby Doo Meets Santana: The Texas Theft

Announcer: For the last 50 years, Scooby Doo has teamed up with several unlikely allies like Batman, John Cena… and Kiss? Today we are adding to the crazy mix. Presenting our Scooby Doo Santana show, it’s the MOB!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: After centuries of saying come and take it, someone came and took it. The state of Texas has been stolen. Our mystery gang needs to find the culprit, so we’re partnering up with Sammy the Owl and Sammy’s loyal pet, the UNT mascot Scrappy Doo Eagle, to find out who stole our precious state.
MOB: “Relp!”
Formation: r e l p
Music: Evil Ways
Announcer: Our mystery gang has narrowed it down to the following suspects:

  • Louisiana Tech,
  • The state of Oklahoma,
  • and the ghost of Mexican general Santa Anna.

However, in an attempt to capture General Santa Anna, we accidentally caught Mexican guitarist Carlos Santana. General Santa Anna made a Smooth getaway.

Mob: groans
Announcer: Come on, it’s the name of the song! Geez, tough crowd.
Formation: Guitar
Music: Smooth
Announcer: With the help of Carlos Santana we found the ghost of General Santa Anna. But our top-tier Rice education tells us there’s no such thing… [pause] … as Mexico. We unmasked him to reveal the true villain: a Middle Tennessee Blue Raider who’s mad they lost to North Texas and Rice.
MOB: “Ross!”
Formation: r o s s
Music: Everybody’s Everything
Announcer: The Blue Raider was quoted as saying, “and I would have gotten away with it, if it were’t for you meddling birds!” But we disagree. Eventually they would discover Denton and give Texas right back.
MOB: “Ray!”
Formation: r a y !
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: Our other suspects included President David Leebron and several albino squirrels.

Pregame 2019

This is the format of the MOB’s 2019 pregame show. For countdown items, see individual games’ scripts.

Music: [from tunnel] intro to Toccata and Fugue in D Minor

Music: Pregame Fanfare intro
Action: Enter from south endzone
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Rice Stadium. [introduction to today’s top five list]. At number five: [item five]
Formation: 5
Music: the next chord of Pregame Fanfare
Announcer: At number four: [item four]
Formation: 4
Music: the next chord
etc.
Music: Rice Fight Song
Announcer: [over intro] Now we ask you to clap along to your Rice University Fight Song!
Formation: [after intro, move to] R
Announcer: At this time we extend or warm and humid welcome to our distinguished visitors and fans from [opposing school]. [Pause as MOB princess-waves] Please turn your attention to the east stands for the [opposing school] alma mater.
Formation: H I
Music: Visiting band plays alma mater
Announcer: Now please rise as the Institute presents “Rice’s Honor,” under the direction of Chuck Throckmorton.
Action: At “Institute,” crossbar of the “H” slides over to make “HI” face the home stands
Music: Rice’s Honor
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, as Americans we are blessed, above all, with freedom. It is important for us to recognize and thank the men and women of the Armed Forces who defend our freedoms. We invit all current and former members of the military to please stand as we play the song representing your branch of servince, so that we may honor you and your colleagues in arms.
Formation: Vertical lines
Music: Tribute to the Armed Forces
Announcer: [read at appropriate music cue]
No one comes close: The Air Force.
This we’ll defend: The Army.
The shield of freedom: The Coast Guard.
Honor, courage, commitment: The Navy.
The few, the proud: The Marines.
Formation: At beginning of “Battle Hymn of the Republic,” vertical lines become U S A
Announcer: Football fans of all ages, please stand as one nation, and gentlemen remove your hats, as we honor America with the singing of our National Anthem, by [group singing the anthem].
Music: Star Spangled Banner
Music: Bonnet
Action: Exit to spirit lines
Announcer: The Marching Owl Band is directed by Chuck Throckmorton, who is assisted by Drum Major Carlos Ochoa, drum minor Cody Meng, and Executive Producer Braulio Garcia.

University of Texas at El Paso vs. Rice (Women’s Basketball)

March 5, 2020
Autry Court — Houston, TX

Result: W 82—59

The Emo Show

Music: Welcome to the Black Parade
Announcer: [over music] When I was a young boy, my father took me to a basketball game to see a marching band. But the band didn’t march. Presenting our emo show, it’s the MOB!
Action: Enter from Rice bench corner in parade formation
Announcer: [over music] It’s been 40 years since the MOB last had a basketball halftime show. Back then we didn’t have Hawaiian shirts, and UTEP was still good at basketball. But we’re back because we’re Irresistible.
Formation: Smiley face
Music: [straight into] Irresistible
Action: Smiley face turns to frowny face during quiet part of music
Announcer: For Rice students, Panic! at the Disco is a band they like during their emo phase. For Rice alumni, panic at the disco is what happened when the DJ didn’t play the Bee Gees. For UTEP fans, there is no disco. Just panic at the thought of driving 11 hours just to lose to Rice.
Formation: V
Music: Victorious
Announcer: Finally, we’ll be playing the MOB’s theme song, Louie, Louie, written by Richard Berry in 1955. If you’re old enough to remember our last basketball show, you know we played it then too.
Formation: R
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: We hope you enjoy the rest of the game. Make sure to follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and all that fun stuff so you can keep up with us at next week’s C-USA tournament. Have a good night!

Prairie View A&M University vs. Rice

August 25, 2018
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: W 28—31

“What a Year It Has Been”

Announcer: Welcome back to campus, everyone. Much has happened since last football season, in particular the appointment of a new head football coach. The MOB welcomes Coach Bloomgren as we perform our traditional “Salute to the New Head Coach.”
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: Thanks to our new coach, Rice is starting more construction. The new social sciences building takes away yet another intramural field and gives Rice students yet another reason to play video games instead of actual sports.
Formation: Two lines that turn into a brick
Music: Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2
Action: Two students play soccer. When the formation shifts, they run off the field and grab game controllers.
Announcer: With that new social sciences building comes a new Dean of Undergraduates, who just happens to be a sociology professor. On the bright side, at least people will actually know we have social sciences.
Formation: Sun
Music: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
Announcer: Almost two weeks ago, new students arrived on campus with pure hearts and big ambitions. By now, that has changed to pure fear of the huge membership they found when exposed to… Baker Thirteen!
Formation: Smiley face that turns into the tongue out emoji
Music: School’s Out
Action: Baker 13 runners run after a student studying. The eyes get bigger as this happen, and the pupils follow the runners.
Announcer: There are many things coming to Rice for the first time. Whether it’s a new coach, new building, or new dean, one thing about Rice will never change — Rice fight never dies!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

University of Houston vs. Rice

September 1, 2018
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 45—27

“Get Out of My Swamp”

Action: MOB enters from endzone
Formation: Disney logo D
Announcer: Today, the MOB presents a salute to the creative and wholesome family entertainment of Walt Disney!
Music: Solo trumpet, When You Wish Upon a Star, which is interrupted by
Loudspeaker: [from Shrek] “What are you doing in my swamp??”
Action: Shrek enters field in a shack, emerges during the loudspeaker line, then chases MOBsters into next formation.
Announcer: Our hero is in danger! Lord Leebron wants Shrek to get the magical Bayou Bucket, or he’ll burn down the swamp! He and Donkey search everywhere. An ogre may not be wholesome, but he will defend his swamp!
Formation: Football
Music: All Star
Action: Shrek and Donkey search the field for the Bayou Bucket, including inside various instruments.
Announcer: They came across an enchanted castle. Perhaps the Bucket is inside, guarded by an old, red scaly beast, yearning for love and affection — you know, a Cougar. But first, it’s time to get rid of that annoying ass!
Formation: Sammy (the “my” is on posterboard)
Music: I’m a Believer
Announcer: Shrek didn’t find the bucket, but he did marry the Princess Sammy. The cougar hooked up with Donkey… and we’re still waiting to see if anyone drains the swamp.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all, Shrek and Sammy hand-in-hand
Announcer: The moral of the story is this: universities are like onions — they make people cry.

University of Texas at San Antonio vs. Rice

October 6, 2018
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 20—3

The “Pink Floyd Show” Show

Action: MOB enters from sideline
Announcer: National Geographic presents: a dramatization of now ancient and primitive Houstonian behavior. It happened long ago – in Rice Stadium – in 1994.
Formation: Square (with Nat Geo logo on posterboard at bottom)
Music: National Geographic Intro
Videoboard:
Announcer: (Over music) They called it a “concert,” and it was led by the enigmatic and unknown “Pink Floyd.” Join us now, “Have a Cigar,” be “Careful with that Axe, Eugene,” and explore the “Dark Side of the Moon.”
Music: Brain Damage
Action: Nat Geo logo is replaced by “Pink Floyd” and “Dark Side of the Moon”
Announcer: (During music vamp) In John F. Kennedy’s lesser-known “Dark Side of the Moon” speech, he said, “Pink Floyd chose to go to Rice Stadium and do the other things, not because they were easy, but because they would sell tickets!”
Formation: Triangle
Music: Eclipse
Videoboard:
Action: Banners are unrolled from the sides of the triangle to create the Dark Side of the Moon album cover
Announcer: Everything under the sun is in tune, but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please thank our guest bands today: Bravo School of Music, under the direction of Debbie Swindler; The Village School, under the direction of Jennifer Siler; and of course, The MOB — Rice University’s Marching Owl Band!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: There is no dark side of the moon, really. Matter of fact, it’s all dark.

University of Alabama at Birmingham vs. Rice

October 13, 2018
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 42—0

The “Blasting Off” Show

Announcer: Greetings, Earth-parents. Welcome to your child’s five-year mission: to explore new majors, to graduate with a GPA higher than their blood alcohol content, and to boldly go where no student has gone before… beyond the hedges.
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: If your child is bold enough, she can venture far beyond the hedges: into spaaaaace — by joining the United States Space Force. Why risk blowing an internship, when you can blast off on a rocketship?
Formation: Star
Music: Vehicle
Action: Someone runs around the field with a cardboard rocket
Announcer: Pentagon(al) officials recently announced the first big mission: a journey to the surface of the Sun! If you’re concerned about the hear, don’t worry! They plan on going at night.
Formation: the Sun, an even better star
Music: Walking on the Sun
Action: In the middle of the formation is a sign that says “Surface of the Sun” with a Google Maps pinpoint next to it
Video board:
Announcer: Every military branch needs a song describing its goals and values. We thought long and hard, and the MOB finally settled on the perfect song… Because we all know that most startups don’t last long.
Formation: SF that changes to $F
Music: Money for Nothing
Action: Someone with a giant money bag goes around collecting money from the MOB
Announcer: We would like to thank our parents for coming to Rice during the middle of midterms and interrupting our studies! Don’t worry, we are doing well enough to join the Space Force. After all, it’s not rocket surgery!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

University of Texas at El Paso vs. Rice

November 3, 2018 — Homecoming
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 34—26

The “Politics Is a No-No” Show

Announcer: Welcome back to Rice Stadium and welcome back, alumni! In case you haven’t heard, it’s midterm season! For once, we’re not talking about midterm exams, we are talking about the midterm elections!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: First up, we’ve go the incumbent himself, Ted “The Zodiac Killer” Cruz. Is Rafael Cruz actually a killer? Probably not. But does he have looks good enough to kill? Oh, absolutely. Just look at that face; it’s one only a mother and the Republican Party of Texas could love.
Formation: T E D
Music: Deep in the Heart of Texas
Action: Throughout the show, a couple MOBsters at a time drop out of the formation to vote at voting booths on the sidelines.
Announcer: Next we’ve got the new kid on the block, Beto “Am I Cool Yet?” O’Rourke. This El Paso native is working hard to get that millennial vote, from hosting livestreams to revealing all the crazy times he had in college — what a hashtag rebel! Turns out he jumped a fence at UTEP once and was arrested for burglary. The charges were dropped, however, since there’s nothing in El Paso worth stealing.
Formation: B E T O
Music: Jailhouse Rock
Announcer: It doesn’t matter who you vote for, folks. As long as you’re informed, you cast your ballot, and you don’t call yourself a nationalist in front of the entire nation, you’re A-OK in the MOB’s eyes. Happy Election Day!
Formation: V O T E
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: The early voters Louie off the field, while the others line up at the voting booths. Exeunt all.

Rice vs. Louisiana Tech University

November 10, 2018
Joe Aillet Stadium — Ruston, LA

Result: L 13—28

The “Tech Savvy” Show

Announcer: Do you remember the good old days of video games? When spending tim on your Nintendo Color was the best thing you could do? Yeah, we don’t either. That’s why the MOB invites you to watch this tribute to the Tech of days past.
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: We start off with the original video game, Pong. Like Louisiana, Pong has a long history of being boring. Video game creators quickly worked to develop a new, better game, just like the United States of America worked to make a better state like Texas.
Formation: Pong screen
Music: Beer Barrel Polka
Action: MOBsters play pong, with two sections as paddles and one person as the ball. The ball yawns.
Announcer: Finally, a fighting game that teaches you right from wrong: Moral Kombat™. When you do not know which death animation is the ethically correct choice, learn your way through the world with horror, fantasy, and complex fighting mechanics. Make sure you give your immoral side a fatality.
Formation: Stick Figure
Music: Mortal Kombat
Action: During music, stick figure moves into a high kick
Announcer: And last but not least, the MOB’s favorite video game, Snake! It has taught us a few good life lessons: be careful how much you take on so you don’t overextend yourself — if you’re not careful, you might just bite yourself in the… butt. And to keep track of how long your snake is, make sure you use meters, since snakes don’t have any feet!
Formation: P L A Y
Music: Only the Good Die Young
Announcer: As you can tell, our favorite Tech will always be video games. Some of us even enjoy that thing called… Fork… Knife? Who knows.
Music: Louie, Louie [intro]
Action: MOB abruptly stops playing and runs off the field

Old Dominion University vs. Rice

November 24, 2018
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: W 13—27

The “Star” Show

Announcer: This Thanksgiving, the MOB wanted to put on a show that was relevant to the holiday! Instead, here is a lecture on the evolution of stars.
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: In the main sequence — the longest part of a star’s life — this blazing ball of gas travels through the cosmos while it slowly expands. Hey! his show is relevant!
Formation: Circular clump of MOBsters in center of field
Music: Carry On My Wayward Sun
Action: Clump expands during music
Announcer: As a star’s hydrogen runs out it is forced to fuse heavier elements like helium to stay alive. Eventually, the elements will be too heavy to fuse, and the star will collapse in on itself.
Action: MOB collapses back into a smaller clump than before
Announcer: This collapse powers a massive explosion called a supernova — like when your family runs out of conversation topics and someone brings up politics!
Action: MOBsters run from the center into a large circle
Music: Can’t Buy Me Love
Announcer: After a supernova, the star’s inner core becomes a Black Friday hole. This has enough gravtiy to keep anything that falls into it from escaping, including light and your wallet.
Action: Run back to center of field in a very small clump
Music: Louie Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: Thank you for coming to our TED Talk.

Rice vs. University of Houston

September 16, 2017
TDECU Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 3—38
This script was never performed due to flooding from Hurricane Harvey. The MOB and UH band instead performed a joint halftime show.

Announcer: Crikey mate! Rice is back from down under, and the MOB is here to kick some brass!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: Since we last saw you, U of H, our world has changed quite a bit. In the last four years, there was a presidential election, SpaceX began threatening NASA’s job, and we’re still desperately clinging to the eleven wins we have against you in the past 46 years.
Formation: XI
Music: Time Warp
Action: Time Warp dance
Announcer: Although our “rivalry” has existed for years and years, it appears that we’ve become less of rivals, and more of crosstown neighbors. Maybe now we can use the Bayou Bucket to bail each others’ campuses out!
Formation: Raindrop into heart
Music: Deep in the Heart of Texas
Action: Clap aggressively
Announcer: We’ll see you next year, U of H, nd we’ll still be clinging to our eleven win record. Some things never change!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Florida International University vs. Rice

September 23, 2017
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 13—7

“The ‘Get Off My Lawn’ Show”

Announcer: The MOB is pleased to welcome our football team back from the Land Down Under! Let’s see what they’ve got against a team from America’s land down there.
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: Rice fans, did you notice anything? Sammy looks a bit different. That’s right, there’s a new Sammy in town, and our former mascot retired to none other than sunny Florida!
Formation: Sun
Music: Walkin’ on the Sun
Action: The Sun’s smile turns into a straight line
Announcer: When old Sammy arrived at his new home, he was surprised to find other Rice relics already in residence — such as the title “Master,” Rice Business, Rice Business Wisdom, and West Lot One!
Formation: Parking space
Music: Vehicle
Announcer: After a wave of nostalgia, the retired Rice icons tried instituting some of Rice’s better known features, like a strange affection for boba tea, and an ungodly number of squirrels. None of these worked in a retirement community. Baker 13 was a real flop! It’s fallen, and it can’t get up.
Formation: 13
Music: Stripper
Announcer: We received a note from old Sammy, addressed to his Floridian neighbors at F-I-U. It says: “Get off my lawn!”
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: MOB shakes fists. Exeunt all

Army West Point vs. Rice

October 7, 2017
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 49—12

The “Black Knight” Show

Announcer: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? Who cares, we’re the Owls!
Music: Monty Python fanfare
Action: MOB rides horses onto field à la Monty Python, yelling “Ni!”
Announcer: Here in the Kingdom of Houstonia, we are pleased to welcome the coconut-horse riding warriors from Army. We’re also delighted you came to us, instead of the other way around. As it’s often said, “Let’s not go to West Point; ’tis a silly place!”
Formation: Crown
Music: Land of 1000 Dances
Announcer: Forever on a quest for a better image, West Point’s new crest depicts the black knight stabbed through the head. Maybe rice should do the same thing to Sammy? We’d have to rename him “Stabby the Owl.”
Formation: Shield
Music: Back in Black
Video Board:
Announcer: Stop!
MOB: Stops running
Announcer: Who would cross the bridge of death must answer me these problem sets three, ere the other side he or she see. What is your name?
MOB: “Rice!”
Announcer:: What is your quest?
MOB:: “To graduate!”
Announcer: What is your favorite color?
MOB: Half yell “blue,” the other half “gray.” Look around at each other and yell while falling down.
Music: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
Announcer: But seriously folks, midterm season is upon us. So as Rice students forsake their rest to finish problem sets due Wednesday, just remember: even when Coffeehouse is closed, ’tis but a scratch. We’re not dead yet!
Formation: Coffee Cup
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Rice vs. University of Texas at San Antonio

October 21, 2017
Alamodome — San Antonio, TX

Result: L 7—20
This script was never performed.

The “Let’s Mess with Texas” Show

Announcer: Y’all know what time it is: time to grab out ten gallon hats and spurs, time to remember the Alamo and say “Howdy” to San Antonio: that’s right, the MOB’s here, and we’re ready to take on Texas!
MOB: “Go Rice! Yeehaw!”
Announcer: Here in Texas, we take pride in our state. As all y’all know, everything’s bigger in Texas, from our sprawling cities to our extra-high speed limits to our overall surface area. If you add up the square mileage of the state and every pickup bed in Texas, we would finally be bigger than Alaska!
Formation: Heart
Music: Deep in the Heart of Texas
Announcer: Way back when Texas was just a lil’ baby territory of Meh-he-co, we reckoned that we was all growed up and independent. After a big to-do with Santa Anna, we struck out on our own… and immediately went to live with our big ol’ neighbor, the You-nited States
Formation: Star
Music: Rawhide
Video Board: Unfaithful boyfriend meme featuring Texas, Mexico, and the United States
Announcer: Our Texas blood runs red, and we are always prepared to fight for what’s right. We’re also stubborn enough to occupy the Alamo during a thirteen day siege before finally losing. But it was worth it! Tourists now remember this serious part of our history by buying a nifty plastic snowglobe!
Formation: The Alamo
Music: Victorious
Announcer: Too soon? Well, the MOB’s had a mighty fine time, but it’s time for this tumbleweed to tumble on home to Houston.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all.

Louisiana Tech University vs. Rice

October 28, 2017
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 42—28

The “Banned Day” Show

Announcer: It was fifty years ago this year that Sergeant Pepper taught the band to play — The Beatles released “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” and changed recording history forever! When this album debuted, tuition was twelve hundred dollars, Martel wasn’t a college, and Hanszen still sucked.
Formation: Heart/Concert arcs
Music: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band(s)
Announcer: [over end of music]
I don’t really want to stop the show,
But I thought you might like to know,
That the singer’s going to sing a song,
And he wants you all to sing along.
So may I introduce to you,
The act you’ve known for all these years,
Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band!
Music: End of Sergeant Pepper/With a Little Help from My Friends
Action: LA Tech joins, Band parts, sousaphones and percussion move forward
Video Board: Lyrics to “With a Little Help from My Friends”
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our friends who gave us a little help! Director Jennifer Siler and First Baptist Academy, Director Debbie Swindler and Bravo School of Music, Director Jim Robkin and the Louisiana Tech Band of Pride!
Action: Exeunt all

University of Southern Mississippi vs. Rice

November 11, 2017 — Homecoming
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 43—34

“What’s New Pussycat”/”The Change $how”

Announcer: Rice Alumni, you’ve been gone for quite some time. The MOB would love to fill you in on all that’s happened since you suffered here at school. There are twice as many buildings, twice as many colleges, two more letters in “Master,” and two more digits in tuition!
Formation: Hour glass
Music: Time Warp
Action: Time Warp dance
Announcer: This year our beloved Astros won the World Series for the first time since their founding in 1962. That was the same year JFK gave his famous moon speech at Rice, proving that it’s easier to go to the moon than to win a World Series!
Formation:
Music: Celebration
Action: “Go ‘Stros!”
Announcer: Every year our show follows the presentation of the big checks at halftime. Tis year, the MOB would like to make its own contribution to the university. President Leebron — please accept our even bigger check, of the staggering amount of four hundred and twenty (*cough*) dollars and sixty-nine (*pause*) cents, straight from the tip jar at Valhalla
Formation: Script Rice
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Bring giant check onto field
Announcer: Just remember, Rice fans, you’re never too old to stand, cheer, and drink more beer! And it’s time for us to get of your lawn!
Action: Exeunt all

University of North Texas vs. Rice

November 25, 2017
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 30—14

“The Little MOB That Could”

Announcer: Happy Thanksgiving weekend, Rice fans! Now that you’ve arisen from your food comas, the Marching Owl Band would like to tell you what we’re thankful for!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: This year, the MOB is thankful for the little things: the way the trees sway in the quad, the way Keck smells after a damp rain, and the firmness of President Leebron’s handshakes!
Formation: A line
Music: Tag 63
Announcer: What other little things are you thankful for, Rice fans? How about our own little Rice community? Things like the little amount of mercy our professors show us, the little student section here today, and what little sleep we get? [pause] That adds up to a big existential crisis!
Formation: A circle
Music: Tag 62
Formation: A square
Announcer: It’s clear that the best things in life are not all about size: even the MOB is looking a little small today, but we prefer to think of ourselves as “fun-sized.”
Formation: A small clump
Music: Tag 69
Announcer: Thanks for joining us, Rice fans! We hope we’ve helped you be thankful for some of the little things in life, and we hope you finished your Christmas shopping yesterday! If not, here’s a two for one!
Action: MOB resets to beginning of show, begins to play again. Pauses after first Tag, exeunt all
Music: Louie, Louie

Baylor University vs. Rice

September 16, 2016
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 38—10

“The Title (is) Nine”

Announcer: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the new and improved Rice Stadium! Today’s halftime show will be the most family-friendly show the MOB has ever done. Today’s jokes are written by Fozzie Bear!
MOB: “Woo”
Announcer:

Fozzie’s jokes, like some of our own, don’t always go over as well as he’d like. In fact, we believe Fozzie has made the most unbearable punchlines ever!

Get it? … Wocka. Wocka.

Formation: Fozzie Bear
Music: Muppet Show Theme
Action: MOB groans at every instance of Wocka Wocka!
Announcer:

The Number of the Day is nine, since nine is the number of justices on the Supreme Court.

Or is it? … Wocka, Wocka???

Formation: IX
Music: 99 Red Balloons
Announcer:

Now for our featured quote of the day, by famous Clinton prosecutor and former Baylor president Ken Starr, who said:

“I… did not. Investigate… that coach.”

Formation: Five-pointed star
Music: “Hit the Road Jack” featuring trumpet solo “When You Wish Upon a Star”
Action: Enjoy the insult
Announcer:

Today’s show is brought to you by the number nine, and the letter “N.” That’s “n” as in:

Nanotechnology, invented at Rice
Neurobiology, the stuff of pre-meds, and
Knnnnowledge,” if you were educated in Waco.

Formation: N
MOB: “Wocka Wocka!”
Music: Louie, Louie (5, 6, 7, 8… 9!)
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer:

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. After today’s football game, you’re invited to visit the south end of Rice Stadium for a sneak peek at the MOB’s new band hall! Come see where we call home, along with the other Rice bands.

And fans, please… Keep your frickin’ lasers to yourselves.

University of North Texas vs. Rice

September 24, 2016
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 42—35

“The MOB Drinks to Forget”

Announcer: The MOB welcomes every beer drinker and wine lover. Today we celebrate ethanol being available throughout the stadium. So please, stand cheer, drink more beer!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: As an organization with a history of avid, yet entirely responsible drinking, we know a thing or two about alcohol. But the MOB is also a service organization, so head over to Valhalla to get served by our very own director, Chuck!
Formation: Beer stein
Music: Hey Bartender
Action: Wave at Chuck because he is the bartender!
Chuck cards an SA before pouring him a drink.
Formation: Rice R
Announcer: Here at Rice Stadium the “R” Room is full of alcohol, rich donors, and money. If you ask us, we should change it into a public bar which will actually make money and let the alcohol trickle down!
Formation: $
Music: Mony Mony
Announcer: Previously, alcohol was only allowed on the upper tiers of Rice stadium… Because what could possibly go wrong when drunk people stand at high elevations?
Formation:
Music Beer Barrel Polka
Announcer: We understand UNT recently began allowing beer into certain parts of their stadium. We are surprised they didn’t do it earlier, considering they only have six wins since 2014.
Music: Louie, Louie (5, 6, 7, 8!)
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the 2016 Rice University Marching Owl Band! The MOB is neither the cause nor the solution to life’s problems.

University of Texas at San Antonio

October 15, 2016
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 14—13

“We R Family”

Announcer: The MOB welcomes all who strive to be better than their older siblings! Welcome to Family’s Weekend!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: UTSA is well-known for being a sister school to UT Austin — and our favorite one at that. Every year, students at UTSA compete with other sister schools for a spot in UT Austin. As an only child, at Rice we’re fortunate to not have to deal with seven different siblings.
Formation: U T
Music: We Are Family
Action: Hold up sign that says “SA”
Announcer: According to match.com, San Antonio is the second happiest city in the country. This must be due to UTSA’s great dental school affixing smiles on any frowny faces.
Formation: Frowny face → Smiley face
Music: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
Announcer: For those who don’t know, UTSA has many fun activities nearby! Across the highway, students can unwind at Six Flags! If they are especially high achieving, they could even drop off a job application.
Formation: A line
Music: Celebration
Action: SAs bring a “ride” from Six Flags, people in the front ride it
Announcer: UTSA has an issue with retaining students who are speeding away. Just like Wile E. Coyote, the UTSA administration is forever chasing after their Roadrunners.
Beep beep!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Prairie View A&M University vs. Rice

October 22, 2016 — Homecoming
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: W 65—44

“Flash* MOB”

*the dancing kind

Announcer: Welcome, current students and alumni, to the new and improved Rice Stadium. We also welcome our homecoming guests, the Prairie View Panthers.
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer:

Rice has a history of great dance parties, but many students were unsure of which direction was forward and thus the Moonwalk was born.

Some say, “Why the Moonwalk?” and I say not because it is easy but because it is hard.

Formation: Shoe
Music: Billie Jean/Beat It
Action: Moonwalk
Video Board:
Announcer: Our diverse campus includes scholars from around the world. With this wide range of cultures, students often experience several different types of exotic dances.
Formation: Pyramid
Music: Stripper [to A], Walk Like an Egyptian
Action: Start strippi- oh wait no. Dance!
Announcer: Rice students sometimes struggle to have interactions with other humas. The MOB offers this advice: “When you have your first date at Esperanza, don’t talk, just shut up and dance.”
Formation: Script Rice
Music: Shut Up and Dance [at 27]
Action: Get others to dance
Announcer: The MOB wants to recognize the alumni members who traveled from far and wide to join us in the stands and on the field today. They’re the ones wearing the gray baseball caps… We take no responsibility if the gray hat matches your hair color
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Rice vs. Louisiana Tech University

October 28, 2016
Joe Aillet Stadium — Ruston, LA

Result: L 16—61

“Spoopy Places”

Announcer: Please welcome the MOB to Aillet
From Houston, we’d like to say hiya!
It’s been many long years
Since our last journey here
We’re here to drop some sick fiyah!
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: Beyond Texas, few know our story
Ancient tales of satirical glory
So despite what they say
We were born this way
Forgive us, we’re derogatory
Formation: Lone star
Music: Born This Way
Action: Wave (Rice) Texas flag in middle of star
Announcer: At the end of October’s last day
Many wicked things come out to play
For one night a year
They fill folks with fear
As they go about their evil ways
Formations: Ghoul
Music: Evil Ways (Revised)
Action: Enter And-ghoul Graham the SA Ghost, doing his spooky thing
Announcer: We tuned to B-flat once we arrived
We entered the fray, the crowd had survived!
A battle of funk,
Rock and roll, ska, and punk
Just a band and its will to survive
Formation: B-flat
Music: Eye of the Tiger
Action: Run around as a ghost! MOB violins chase after ghost with bows in hand
Announcer:

The skeletons put down their trombones
The black cats went back to their witches
Werewolves howled with grief
And we sighed in relief
‘Cause we defeated those sons of…

a gun.

Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Florida Atlantic University vs. Rice

November 5, 2016
Rice Stadium %mdash; Houston, TX

Result: L 42—25

“Owl-ection Show Time”

Announcer: Today we welcome our fellow Owls from Florida Atlantic. In order to not sway voters, the MOB will be using fake names in our show today.
MOB: “Woo”
Announcer: Billary Hinton” has been called a crook, or in other words, a politician. The MOB would like to remind people of the real villain of student government: the IRS, or the Indifferent Rabble of Students.
Formation: IRS
Music: Money for Nothing
Action: IRS-Screw held by an inmate
Announcer: Russia recently hacked the MOB email server. They discovered our secret algorithm for encrypting names. Fortunately, “Layvid Deebron’s”IT staff is working on a solution.
Formation: ‚úČ
Music: Back in the USSR
Announcer: Tronald Dump” University is viewed by many as a money-stealing scam. Dump himself claims that this football game is rigged against the Owls. But if you elect the MOB for another halftime show, we promise to make Rice great again!
Formation: TU
Music: Another Brick in the Wall
Announcer: The MOB reminds you that lines for Tuesday’s vote will be longer than usual. Talk to your doctor if you experience an election lasting more than four hours.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Video Board: Credits: Directed by Thuck Crockmorton, Drum major: Spike Jasak, drum minor: Monnie Biller, Executive Producer: Grandrew Aham
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the 2016 Rice University Marching Owl Band! This is your announcer, Chad, and I’ll be hanging out at the polls on Tuesday. I hope to see you, too.

University of Texas at El Paso vs. Rice

November 19, 2016
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: W 24—44

“Minor Thoughts”

Announcer: Today the MOB would like to take you on a journey through the minds of Rice students. You think we’re stressed now? This isn’t even our finals form!
MOB: “Woooooo”
Announcer: Currently our thoughts our filled with visions of turkeys and midterms. Little do our students know that school is out in less that three weeks. After that, many students struggle during winter break after quitting midterms “cold turkey.”
Formation:
Music: School’s Out
Announcer: Inevitably, students will realize that after Thanksgiving is Dead Days. We have a few final things to do before school ends. We’ll curse ourselves for forgetting our tests and proceed to bury ourselves in “Club Fondren.”
Formation: A+
Music: Won’t Get Fooled Again
Video Board:
Announcer: Today we welcome some local minors from high school. Let’s get together like true Texans, and show the rest of the country how to party like it’s 1836!
Formation: 1836
Music: Deep in the Heart of Texas
Action: Attempt to not scare the children, clap aggressively during certain parts of the song
Announcer: A big thank you to our visiting bands:
The Village School
Carillo Elementary School
and the Bravo School of Music
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Rice vs. University of Texas at Austin

September 3, 2011
Darrell K. Royal – Texas Memorial Stadium — Austin, TX

Result: L 9—34

“$ECcess?”

Announcer: Ladies and steers, welcome to the first halftime show not to be broadcast on the Longhorn T-V network. Presenting the Show Band of South Main, the Rice University Marching Owl Band!
Music: (drum intro)
MOB: "Go Rice!"
Field Action: Band enters the field from the sidelines.
Formation: S E C
Announcer:

After decades of saying “goodbye” to “Texas University,” the Aggies. Finally. Left. Yes, it’s official. As of eight o’clock central daylight time, A&M announced its intent to join Satan’s Evil Conference. We congratulate the S-E-C and the Big Twelve, as both conferences improve their average IQ.

[formation changes at the word “Satan”]

Formation: $ E C
Music: Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2
Field Action: Satan conjures a ticket to the SEC, which appears oddly in the form of a teenage love note. Satan approaches a UT player with a ticket to the SEC, but Texas rebuffs him. Baylor begs Satan for an opportunity, but Satan doesn’t see that relationship lasting (“B*tch, please.”). On the rebound, Satan finds the Aggies (doing something simple and repetitive) and figures he’s got an easy score; intrigued, A&M accepts the invitation and skips off into the sunset, hand in hand.
Announcer:

Speaking of Aggies, there’s the Texas Governor — A-and-M alumnus — Rick Perry. He looks like he needs a little direction. Okay, God, tell him. [long pause]

No? All right, everyone, let’s try this:

Simon says, touch your ear.

MOB: All touch their ear.
Announcer: Simon says, jump up and down
MOB: All jump up and down while touching their ear.
Announcer: Now run for President!
Field Action: Rick Perry look-alike dashes toward a Barack Obama look-alike.
Announcer:

Nuh-uh! Simon didn’t say!

So the next time you go to the polls, ask yourself: is your candidate smarter than an Aggie?

Formation: Outline of The State of Texas
Music: School’s Out (for Summer)
Field Action:

After Perry flunks out from Simon Says, members of the press attempt to interview Obama with Perry attempting to steal the show every chance he gets.

Satan watches, amused, eating from an oversized bucket of popcorn.

Announcer:

Yes, Longhorn fans, Rick Perry isn’t the only Texan desparate for a win this year. But don’t worry, The MOB knows how to cure your sad cow disease, and dry the crying eyes of Texas. Whenever we’re under the weather with a little irritable owl syndrome, there’s only one prescription:

WIN. HOMECOMING.

Formation: UH OH
Music: Eye of the Tiger
Field Action: Doctors examine UT and Rice football players, both are given pills and injections to “pump them up” for homecoming. While Rice gets up and runs for victory, UT merely falls down.
Announcer: The MOB reminds you that water restrictions are in effect. Stay inside and take comfort that droughts like these only hit Texas Football once every eighteen years.
Music: Louie, Louie
Field Action: Exeunt all.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, the two-thousand and eleven Rice University Marching Owl Band! Directed by mister Chuck Throckmorton, with drum majors Ollie Barthelemy and Greg Narro, and Show Assistant executive producer Erin Lytle.
The MOB welcomes your feedback on Twitter @ricemob, or e-mail us at Your Mom at MOB dot Rice dot E-D-U.

Purdue vs. Rice

September 10, 2011
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: W 22—24

“If you build it, she will come”

Field Action: The MOB gathers on both sidelines in groups of approximately four people, each group with a bundle of cardboard.
Announcer:

Ladies and gentlemen, today the MOB presents a very special halftime performance. This is usually where we would tell you how a university with the initials “P-U” has a good chance of stinking up the Big Ten, or just how a boiler-maker is like a village bicycle.

But not today. Because after all, we are a band with class.

Field Action: Groups of MOBsters begin distributing the cardboard bundles on the field.
Announcer:

Today, as Rice University focuses on its centennial celebration, the MOB wishes to reflect on just how good we have it:

For instance, the Princeton Review says that we have the happiest students of any campus. We have a Division One football team playing its one-hundredth season. We have an irreverent marching band that continues to make national headlines a mere forty years since its inception.

And while U-T has its own brand of waterRice has its own brand of beer.

But the success of Rice University transcends our small hedges — it is built upon strong relationships with our nation, and our local community. This year, the NASA Johnson Space Center celebrates its own fifty years of achievements, helping America and the world reach beyond our wildest imaginations.

On the field before you, the MOB assembles a two-thirds scale projection of the International Space Station — in honor of the men and women of Mission Control, who have inspired generations of young engineers, scientists, and dreamers.
For a bit of history on the first fifty years of collaboration between Rice and NASA, here is the MOB’s director: Chuck Throckmorton.

Chuck Throckmorton:

My name is Chuck Throckmorton. I’m Director of Bands at Rice University, and director of The MOB — The Marching Owl Band. We’re here at the Johnson Space Center to welcome back Rice alumna — and MOB alum — Shannon Walker, who has just come back from the International Space Station.

You know, Rice has a long history with the space program. Mission Control for NASA is in Houston, largely to the influence of George R. Brown and Congressman Albert Thomas, who were roommates at Rice. The land Johnson Space Center sits on was deeded to the United States government by Rice University. And in 1962, the speech by John F. Kennedy — it energized all of us to enter and take the leap into space — was given at Rice Stadium. And the spirit of what he said is still alive at Rice University. When he said, “We choose to go to the moon and do the other things not because they are easy, but because … they’re hard.”

This subtle reminder is that: that milestone and many others will be celebrated at Rice’s centennial celebration in October of 2012 — save the date. So where were we?

1963: Rice University opened the nation’s first dedicated space science program. And in 1969, an experiment by a Rice professor landed on the moon in the first moon landing; there is a Rice University flag on the moon to this day. Since then, fourteen Rice University faculty and alumni have had the right stuff — or, the Rice stuff — to become astronauts and serve.

And one of those is native Houstonian, and MOB alumna and Rice alumna, Shannon Walker who has just returned from the International Space Station. Shannon, we are so proud of you, and you are such an inspiration both to Rice and to Houston, to young women everywhere who aspire to a career in the sciences, and just to random space geeks, I guess.

Shannon Walker:

Thanks, Chuck! I’m sorry I can’t be with you in Houston today but, as you can see, I’m in Russia at the moment. But I didn’t want to miss today’s NASA Day game and the chance to salute both my friends at Rice University and my colleagues at the Johnson Space Center.

You know, I didn’t happen to bring my french horn with me to Russia — but! — I do have this nice fedora, and I do have a cowbell! So if it’s OK with you, I’d still like to join The MOB in playing a song. Shall we?

Music: Louie, Louie
Announcer:

Thank you, MOB alumna Shannon Walker.

And let’s give a round of applause to the men and women of the Johnson Space Center who make up the heart of Space City, U-S-A.

While we are sad to see the Shuttle go, let us end not dwelling on the past but instead celebrating the future. Here’s to the success of the International Space Station and the beginning of the next fifty years of Rice — NASA partnership.

Chuck Throckmorton:

Hey, Rice Stadium! I’m Chuck Throckmorton, Director of Bands at Rice.

And take a look at this! Is this impressive or what? This is the biggest prop I have ever seen on any football field anywhere, but we could not have done it ourselves. We had help from the aerospace club, from the cheerleaders, from Facilities and Engineering and Planning. We had it from alumni, we had it from our friends, we had it from graduate students — the entire Rice community came together to put the International Space Station on the field for you.

And the reason we did it is to point out how impressive this thing is. It is huge on a football field, and the real one is even bigger, and they built it in space!

Way, way cool. But I’m going to need your help. They expect to have a football game here in a little bit, don’t they? So let’s count it down so we can get the International Space Station back off the field.

Start at five, are you ready?

5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Go!
Yeah! Thank you Rice Stadium, and thank you … NASA, ESA, and all of the space agencies. You inspire us, and we are proud to be a part of you.

Announcer:

Ladies and gentlemen, the two-thousand eleven Rice University Marching Owl Band!

We would like to express our most extreme gratitude to the Rice Office of Public Affairs for writing today’s script.

Field Action: The band deconstructs the ISS and carries it off of the field.

UT vs. Rice
SMU vs. Rice
UH vs. Rice
Rice vs. Tulane
East Car vs. Rice

Rice vs. University of Houston

Robertson Stadium — Houston, TX
September 4, 1999

Result: L 28—3

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Formation: M O B
Music: Turning It Loose
Action: Two SAs dressed in black suits, drive out onto the field in “blues mobile” (black and white police car), open a briefcase with something interesting inside it
Announcer: The summer months have brought the sound of construction to
Houston as local sports teams rush to build new facilities. The Astros are building a new downtown stadium. Rice is building a new baseball stadium. And UH is remodeling a football stadium that has had more names in its 58-year existence than season ticket holders.
Formation: Astrodome (top is removed during song)
Music: Start Me Up
Action: SAs wheel out large replica of the Astrodome, which they proceed to disassemble to form new arenas. The stadiums will be nested inside of each other, so they’ll get progressively smaller. Each stadium will be accompanied by a sign with its name. (Biggest = Astrodome, Big = Enron Field, Small = Robertson) Once the new Robertson is ‘built,’ it is marked by a 10 yard long sign with all the names listed in it.
Announcer: In 1995, the Chronicle truly became Houston’s leading information source when it bought out the Post for use as spare parts. Even though Rice and UofH get buried on the 13th page, the Chronicle does provide great local sports coverage… if you consider UT, A&M and the Cowboys to be local.
Formation: Texas map
Music: Rescue Me
Action: Gian Houston Chronicle beats opposing papers into submission, then chases off any attempts by other newspapers to join the fray. 3 reporters, locate near Houston on the map, try to cover the following events, using telescopes to help them see: In Austin, UT plays A&M; In Dallas, a Cowboys layer gets arrested; In Houston, Rice plays Houston. The reporter covering this game has his telescope backwards, so he sees very little despite being next door.
Announcer: The breakup of the Southwest Conference has shown some things never change. The Longhorns and Aggies have shown promise during the regular season only to get sick on Sugar in January. Baylor left the SWC to become the doormat of a new conference. And Texas Tech athletes are still trying to build their GPAs up from ground zero.
Formation: S W C
Music: Carry On My Wayward Son
Action: Sequence of events. One mascot from each former SWC team. UT and A&M mascots go to a large Sugar Bowl and OD. The Owl, Frog, Pony and Cougar get beat up on the Bear for a change. The Red Raider sits at a desk, occasionally bringing the paper up to a teacher that whaps him over the head with a giant red F.
Announcer: We’ll never forget our old friends from the Southwest Conference.. We’re sure you’ll enjoy visiting places like beautiful Hattiesberg—we’ve got to go all the way to Hawaii. We’ll send you a post card.
Formation: H I
Music: Dueling Banjos then Hawaii 5-0
Action: During the dueling banjos section, country bumpkins in Hattiesberg welcome UH to town with a sign reading “Cooger, HI.” During the Hawaii 5-0 part, Rice is welcomed to Hawaii by hula girls with a sign reading “Owls, Aloha.” Party ensues.
Action: Scatter off field
Announcer: You’ve seen them on Letterman! So don’t go away—the next act is a surprise performance of the nationally famous Yodeling Poodle Choir.
Epilogue:

—POSTGAME COMMENTS FROM GRUNGY—
I’ve done a lot of “epilogues” on the end of the scripts that I’ve saved over the years. But I could hear almost nothing from the press box yesterday. I can say that the formations were really sharp, from the penultimate vantage point and the action was eye-catching. Someone else will have to fill in the crowd reactions and other details.
I can report that virtually every person I’ve run into who saw the sow and talked to me about it—loved it. Usually something like “Wow—that was a great show! What happened?”
This show worked. I’m impressed…
On the other side of the coin—we may never see The MOB’s name in print, in the Chronicle, again. The last UH show, in ’95, received praise from Neal Farmer for its biting nature. This one was similar and got no ink. The power of the press belongs to those who own the presses…

—POSTGAME COMMENTS FROM THE GOODNIGHT—
I heard laughs, not boos, in the region of the stadium near where I was standing, for the names/tickets joke, but not much reaction at all to the long sign, which had some wind-tangling problems and was only intermittently visible.
The only time I heard boos was when the “Cooger Hi” sign went up.

—POSTGAME COMMENTS FROM MINDY SIMMONS—
Well, I definitely heard a long, drawn out “Boo” from the crowds where I was right after that joke. And talking to some Rice students who were there, they said that they understood everything and liked the show (especially the one guy who really like the stadium joke). So I’d say the show worked out pretty well.

San Jose State University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
October 16, 1999

Result: W 49—7

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: San Jose State! [yawn] I’m sorry, that’s all we’ve got? San Jose where? Do you know the waay too easy. It says San Jose C-A. C.A. C.A? The west coast? No! The north coast—now there’s a place that’s just begging for a MOB hit—Canada!
Formation: E H ?
Music: Rocky & Bullwinkle Tag
Action: Moose wanders onto field
Announcer: O, Canada, our perky little neighbor to the North. They have forests… and fish… and igloos… and penguins. But they don’t have cops! Instead, they have Mounties, who ride horses, wear funny hats and chase moose-es.
Formation: Mountain tops (with snow)
Music: William Tell Overture
Action: Canadian Mounties chase moose
Announcer: Long ago, a bunch of Canadians were sitting around on a bunch of ice, looking for something to do. With no one else to pick on, they decided to beat on each other. Hockey was invented. Leave it to Canadians to combine the Ice Capades and boxing. Of course, the Canadians would probably have kept hockey a secret, had they known that the best hockey teams would some day come from Texas.
Formation: Hockey rink
Music: Far From Over
Action: Boxing meets the ice capades. Zamboni cleans the ice.
Announcer: Of course, Canada has done some bad things. Who could forget the Canadian missile crisis? Or the never-ending battle with the Canadian drug cartel? Well, maybe those are things we can forgive, but Canada, [yelling] KEEP YOUR STINKING BACON OFF OF OUR PIZZA!
Formation: Pizza slice
Music: Come On Eileen
Action: SAs gazilch bacon at a giant pizza
Announcer: Maybe we’ve been a bit too harsh on Canada. After all, where else would we get all of our ice? Besides, Canada is the only thing keeping Alaska from becoming contiguous. To end our show, and as a sign that this is all in fun, we ask: Ladies and gentlemen, will you please rise for the playing of the Canadian National Anthem.
Formation: Shield (like pregame)
Action: SAs unveil small Canadian flag in center of shield
MOB: “Cinq, six, sept, huit…”
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Southern Methodist University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 5, 1998

Result: W 23—17

Sport Marketing Show

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: Hello and welcome to Operation Sellout II, another fine product from your Sports Marketing Team! Thanks to their tireless efforts, today you can go into any college stadium and enjoy the same familiar, homogenized, least-common-denominator product you expect from network television and fast-food restaurants. Welcome to the age of Professional College Sports!
Formation: $ $
Music: Gigolo (short)
Action: Sports marketers read from large textbooks labelled (obviously) “Sports Marketing” and “How to Be Exactly Like Every Other School.” Consulting these books, they bring out a large, sinister-looking device, the Marketron Sportomizer 1000. Meanwhile, fans in bright colors (real fanatics in face paint and all that stuff) are arriving, carrying school-spirit-related signs.
Announcer: Don’t you just hate it when you go to a game and have to listen to the other school’s fight song over and over again all day long?
Action: MOB trombones briefly play “Wah-wah-wah” in imitation of SMU band
Announcer: No problemSports Marketing has discovered the way to produce demographically consistent cheering behavior from 62.5% of sports fans using only canned electronic recordings of “We Will Rock You,” the “Hey” song, and classing Seventies disco. So get ready to react without thinking to the new

National Standard Fight Song!

Formation: Audio tape reels
Music: YMCA
Action: Tape reels turn. Sports Marketers shove raw material into the Sportomizer, which churns out a series of beige musical notes. The fans do the “YMCA” bit without any enthusiasm (indeed, without even standing up). The beige musical notes assault them without mercy until they act like they’re enjoying it.
Announcer: But what good is generic music if the teams keep messing it up with their clashing styles, unique personalities, and school spirit? Sports Marketing has the answer! From now on, all teams will have the same colors! Why not? The only color that matters is that lovely shade of green in your wallet
Formation: Football Field (Rectangle)
Music: Money for Nothing
Action: The Sportomizer now churns out a series of identical football players, all wearing jerseys of dollar-bill green and with $$ on their backs instead of numbers. They play football but nobody can tell which team is which. It doesn’t mater anyway. Meanwhile, the marketers pass out all-beige clothing to the fans, and replace their school spirit signs with ones reading “Go Team1”, “Go Team 2” and “THX-1138” (These bland items probably also come out of the Sportomizer).
Announcer: [dreary monotone]
All Sports Marketing objectives met.
All personality eliminated.
School spirit is irrelevant.
You will be assimilated.
Action: Blaster noise and fire-extinguisher smoke from the pressbox.
Different Announcer: The MOB will never be assimilated!
MOB: “No!”
MOB: “We’re from Rice!
Ain’t that nice!
Who are you?
Do you know?”
Action: Exeunt all
Music: Louie, Louie (on sidelines)
Note: DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE

Northwestern University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 19, 1998

Result: L 23—14

Devil with the Purple Suit

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer 1: Houston, we have a problem.
Announcer 2: Roger that Apollo 13, state the nature of your emergency.
Announcer 1: Houston, we’re carrying too much equipment—at this rate, we’ll never be able to complete the mission.
Announcer 2: Apollo, are you carrying any dead weight?
Announcer 1: Well, we have the script to Godzilla, one million Russian rubles and some points we can shave—ah, here’s something we don’t need!
Formation: Spaceship
Music: 99 Red Balloons (from the fast part)
Action: During the script a spaceship moves toward the center of the field. Upon completion of the script, a balloon version of Barney emerges from the spacecraft (tethered). Barney is inflated until he pops, near the end of the music.
Announcer: In a press release issued today, Barney the Purple Dinosaur announced that he has tired of working only in educational productions. In order to increase his appeal to the masses he will be appearing in cameo roles on television, such as an alien on “X-Files”, a stabbing victim on “ER” and a floater on “Baywatch.” But first, he will be the stunt double for Kenny on “South Park.”
Formation: Television
Music: Only the Good Die Young
Action: Barney, dressed in an orange hooded sweatshirt, is killed by a cruise missile and then jumped by a horde of rats
MOB: “Oh my God, they killed Barney!”
Announcer: Following a successful debut on network television Barney headed to Washington. With the help of his PBS contacts he found a new position—one with little promise, but great exposure—as a White House intern.
Formation: Lady’s restroom logo
Music: Devil with the Blue Dress
Action: Barney (wearing a blue dress, beret and kneepads) gets chased by the overzealous media before being killed by a pile of boxes labeled “Starr Report”
Announcer: Following his brief political career, Barney chose to try out life on the silver screen. Through contacts at all the studios in Hollywood, he was able to land pivotal roles in every major movie for the last year. However, he was unable to convince Steven Spielberg to title his latest film “Saving Private Barney.”
Formation: Crossroads
Music: WAC Adventure Medley
Action: Barney runs the gauntlet of movie disasters—Deep Impact, Armageddon, Zorro, Saving Private Ryan and Titanic
Announcer: Coming next year to a theater near you, the sequel to end all sequels—Zorro Saves Private Barney form Armageddon Aboard the Titanic.
Music: Louie, Louie, led by Barney who has risen from the ashes
Action: Get off the field
Epilogue:

This game featured a real Prop Extravaganza. The Titanic, especially, was a masterpiece. It was 28-feet long, almost 10 full yards. It sailed very gracefully across the field.

Can someone fill in the details from the action in the WAC Adventure segment? We sure did a lot there.

Rice vs. University of Texas at Austin

Darrell K. Royal—Texas Memorial Stadium — Austin, TX
September 26, 1998

Result: L 59—21

Good Idea/Bad Idea

Announcer:

Hi! We’re back! Didja miss us? We’ve had three years to dream up this show and we had good ideas… and bad ideas.

Good idea: turning the MOB loose at halftime…
Bad idea: introducing us like this: “now farmin’ in north endzone…”

Music: Turning It Loose
TIL Vocal: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Darrell K Royal Texas Memorial Stadium. Well, here it is, the nineteen nineties and much of the music we hear today is pre-programmed electronic disco. We never get a chance to hear master bluesmen practicing their craft. By the year 2006, the music known as the “blues” will exist only in the classical records section of your local public library. So—while there’s still time, let’s welcome the Blues Band of SOuth Main—the Blues Owl Band.
Action: Standard TIL entrance, Blues Brothers stuff
Announcer:

Since our last visit, Darrel K Royal Texas Memorial Stadium /slash/ Jamail Field has grown almost as much as its name.

Good idea: Adding more low-priced seats for the students.
Bad idea: Putting the student section in LaGrange.

Good idea: Using binoculars to see the game better.
Bad idea: Using the Hubble Space Telescope to see the game from the student section.

Formation: Texas
Music: Walkin’ on the Sun
Action: Football game in one corner of the state map, students with telescopes in another
Announcer:

If you had a million dollars, how would you spend it?

Good idea: Add student seating near the field.
Bad idea: Pay Mackovic and McWilliams to not coach.

Good idea: Genetic research to advance the frontiers of human knowledge.
Bad idea: Paying the Aggies to clone a dog.

Formation: DNA
Music: MOB-ash Cannonball
Action: During Aggie part, Aggie scientists take blood samples from the cute stuffed dogs and play with them using mad scientist equipment. At transition to the Wabash Cannonball part of the song, monster dogs pop out of the test tubes (I already have a plan for how the SAs could do that) and pursue the Aggies in a field-wide chase scene.
Announcer:

Are there any good ideas in politics? Sure there are…

Good idea: Clinton seeks medical help for his … problems.
Bad idea: His doctor prescribes Viagra.

Formation: Viagra tablet
Music: Tubthumping
Action: Clinton pursues girls in poodle skirts. Grim Reaper pursues Clinton with stack of Starr boxes. Media pursue Starr. Nuclear family watches events on TV. Chase finally circles the nuclear family.
Announcer: Good idea: Leaving the SouthWest Conference for the big money in the Big 12.
Bad idea: Taking the Aggies with you—instead of the MOB.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Flee
Announcer:

The MOB is available for birthdays, wedding, and Bar Mitzvahs. Here’s somethin to hold you over til next year:

Good idea: D’Andre Hardemann cuts upfield.
Bad idea: D’Andre Hardemann cuts… classes.

University of Tulsa vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
October 17, 1998

Result: W 14—10

MS MOB ’98

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: MOBsters charge on field in standard pin-stripe suits. However, now the MOBsters’ backs bear a large label reading “MS.”
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, we know that you came here expecting to see the MOB, but today we have something better: the all new and improved Microsoft MOB! We at Microsoft, in our continuing quest for world domination, will now provide halftime entertainment here at “Microsoft Stadium,” and soon will be supplying products to fill a variety of other student needs, including textbooks, cafeteria food, and toilet paper. Microsoft: “Where do you want to go today?”
Formation: M S
Music: Start Me Up
Action: SAs run around demonstrating the use of new and wacky MS products such as toilet paper, dishwashing liquid, box fans, etc…
Announcer: MS-MOB is a significant upgrade over the original. It is faster, more feature-packed, and more stable. Plus, it comes bundled with a fully integrated suite of stadium-aware applications including concessions, ticket sales, and game officiating. And thanks to Microsoft’s innovative multi-tasking technology, MS-MOB can perform all these functions with no loss of performance!
Formation: Interlocking, rotating circles surrounded by box
Music: Vehicle
Action: SAs “multitask,” performing stadium operations such as concession and ticket sales on the field beside the band. Some SAs dressed as stadium goers come up and buy MS Hot Dogs and MS Cola from vendors. Demand increases so that the SAs have to borrow more and more blocks of MOBsters from the formation to help them. The SAs continue to gobble up more and more sections until, at the end of the song, only a few trombones are left playing the song. Then, on one of the last notes, the Trombones hang, sputter and then crash. As the band falls to the ground, the SAs pull out a large blue sheet made into a Blue Screen of Death and spread it across the middle of the field.
Announcer: [Ringing, pick up] Hello, Microsoft Technical Support!
Please listen while we diagnose your problem…
If your system has frozen, please restart.
If your display has corrupted, please restart.
If you have upgraded to Windows 98, please restart.
[Phone hangs up]
Music: Announcer plays “Microsoft Sound” from laptop in press box. The band is revived and jump back to their feet.
Formation: Computer base and monitor
Music: Sabre Dance
Action: SAs dressed as colorful Intel “Bunny Men” jive around as they attempt to revive computer through various wacky means. They carry large circuit boards which they slide into various parts of the computer, then scratch their heads and jiggle the connectors, kick the sides, etc. We could also use a giant screwdriver with which they could tool on various parts of the machine. Perhaps they get frustrated and pull out electrical paddles to “jump start” the machine. Every now and then, a tech should stop working, step aside and simply “GET FUNKY.”
Announcer: [Voice in rising anger, frustration, and screams…] So you’ve tried everything to get your MS-MOB halftime to work… installed new percussion drivers… a new sound card, changed the IRQs, called a psychic hotline, testified for Microsoft before the Department of Justice, worked as Bill Gates’ towel boy, read “Windows for Wombats.” It… doesn’t… work… NOTHING’S WORKING. It makes you WANT TO SCREAM, BUT ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS… shout.
Formation: Shout chevrons
Music: Shout
Action: High-tail it off the field
Note: Do not stare directly at this sentence.

University of Nevada, Las Vegas vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
November 14, 1998

Result: W 38—16

Homecoming x 8

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: Ahhh, Homecoming. The time of year when we all stop and reflect upon those people and events from our past which have shaped the world we know. There are some things that you might not want to reflect upon—but your roommate is here too, and sure to remind you… So—in this time of reflection, the MOB would like to pay tribute to those special years which have touched our lives: years ending in the number “eight.”
Formation: Viking helmet
Action: During the intro script, SAs enter field with a ship reminiscent of the Columbus-era (but not reminiscent in size of the Titanic)
Announcer: Perhaps the most famous “eight” year of all was the year 1498, when Columbus discovered America…
Huh? That’s not right… Who wrote this? Hey! You! With the ship—back in the tunnel until I… [pause] Eight… eight…
Action: Ship turns back toward endzone
Announcer: Uhh… aaaactually, it was in the NNNNine ninety eight when Leif Erickson discovered America… yeah! That’s the ticket! Okay, bring back the ship!
Music: Tubthumping
Action: SAs spend the song transforming their Columbus ship into a Viking ship
Announcer:

1958: NASA is born, and the U.S. leaps into the space age. Soon after, President Kennedy comes to Rice, announcing plans to put a man on the moon before the end of the decade.

1998: President Clinton announces plans to put a man on the sun before the end of the millennium. [pause] We think that man might be Ken Starr.

Formation: N A S A
Music: Walkin’ On the Sun
Action: Ken Starr is hog-tied to a rocket which Bill Clinton lights, sending Starr off to the sun
In 1918, William Marsh Rice’s legacy, the Rice Institute, turns out its first PhD. In 1988, a group of students, who were later threatened with being turned out, return the favor by turning Willy’s statue to face west. The administration did not agree that “turnabout is fair play.” Their feat was not meant to dishonor our founder, but to honor him, with a tangible and award-winning display of the learning and ingenuity that his “institute for the advancement of letters, science, and art” promotes… Where there’s a Will, there’s a way.
Formation: [script] R i c e
Music: Rice’s Honor
Action: SAs enter field with a box on wheels. This week, it is disguised as the base of Willy’s statue. On top sits Willy. Or if we can’t get him, then someone dressed as Willy, sitting as still as possible to hide the fact that it’s an actual person. At end of song, MOBsters fall down one-by-one, domino style, starting at the “R” and ending with the “e.” When we reach the end, the last person hits the gong. After a couple of seconds, Willy stands up and strikes the cowbell.
Announcer: The MOB—future captains of industry and leaders of the free world, would like to thank each and every one of you who sat on those splintery seats and watched our shows this year. No need for applaud—just throw money—we need lots of mula to go to Hawai’i next year. We’ll take checks, but we’d prefer small, unmarked bills…
Music: Louie, Louie
Exit: probably a good idea…
Note: This not whole sentence.

Rice vs. United States Air Force Academy

Falcon Stadium — Colorado Springs, CO
November 21, 1998

Result: L 22—16

Christmas ’98

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: ‘Twas the month beofre Christmas and all through the land
The commercials and hype were way out of hand.
The news-men and ad-men wore satisfied looks
In hopes that the frenzy would bring them big bucks.
Formation: Christmas Tree
Music: Christmas Fanfare
Announcer:

Beanie Babes, Beanie Babes
They are not for kids
Put them on the auction block
and get the highest bids

Beanie Babes, Beanie Babes,
Wage war in the malls.
Yell, scratch, bite, and punt a kid,
And you’ll collect them all.

Formation: $ $
Music: Trepak
Action: During scatter, a series of stuffed animals are lined up along a yard line. Early in the song, a referee starts the shoppers from the goal line. A race to the animals, then warfare.
Announcer:

God rest our senator John Glenn,
He’s gone back into space.
We’ll monitor his sleep tonight,
Hi breating and heart’s pace.

A geriatric home on Mars
Is really NASA’s goal.
And we’ll send all those geezers into space,
Geezers in space,
And we’ll send all those geezers into space.

Formation: Rocket ship/Shuttle
Music: Moondance (with cuts)
Action: A squadron of 4 space shuttles circles the formation. Piloting 1 of them is clearly an older astronaut who has his left turn signal stuck on; the other 3 are clearly younger and less confused. As they continue to circle, the traffic starts to pile up behind the old man, etc.
Formation: Blob
Action: Santa carries “ON STRIKE” sign
Announcer:

St. Nick’s still at home, the reindeer are resting
He’s sent out George Gallup, the spirit he’s testing
The results some will say are not controversial
When St. Nicholas find it’s far too commercial

You better not put, you better not cry
For he’ll cancel Christmas, and that ain’t no lie.
So forget about shopping, no Buddy Lee jeans
We have to remember, what it all really means…

Music: Silent Night
Formation: Slowly changes to star during song
Action: Song ends and MOB bows with hats in hand, then walk off the field if time permits; else flee
Epilogue:

—POSTGAME COMMENTS FROM GRUNGY—
Saw The MOB on TV a lot. “Santa” even got the “magic crayon” treatment, from the sportscasters, criticizing the placement of the beard.

—POSTGAME COMMENTS FROM THE GOODNIGHT—
I don’t know how long the link is valid, but it is the same as was printed in the local newspaper.
…though the local newspaper referred to a “few boos” not the the thunderous show-drowning roar that actually happened, and failed to mention them throwing things at us, or that their stadium people wouldn’t let the SAs on the sidelines to work on the props despite the fact that we cleared it with them beforehand, or the people shouting “Rice Band Sucks!” from their cars when I went looking for the buses…
…One of the Show Assistants in a space shuttle was hit by a thrown piece of cheese. Apparently the cadets pass cheese around (called “spirit cheese”) during games, but the piece didn’t make it onto the field by accident. There was a hug approving roar of applause when the SA was hit by it…

—POSTGAME COMMENTS FROM MIKE WAKIN—
Despite the boos, it was fun to perform. I stood for the second half of the show in an area away from the booing cadets. I could still hear the script. Some members of their band looked pretty surprised and amused at what we were doing.
Those people who were not booing, and could therefore hear the John Glenn segment, started booing after they heard it.
If someone reminds me, I will try to find the newspaper article (“Air Force not Laughing at MOB’s Antics”) from (what was the paper? try this link: http://www.gazette.com/archive/98-11-22/spts1e.html [Ed. 2020—link gives a 404. Can’t seem to find referenced article anywhere]).

United States Air Force Academy vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 6, 1997

Result: L 41—12

THEME… Summer Recap

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: This summer held a big surprise for the MOB. Recently declassified Air Force documents revealed our director of the past seventeen years, Doctor Ken Dye, is in reality an alien from the planet Louie.
Formation: M I B
Music: first playing of Close Encounters Intro
Announcer: What’s that? Good Lord, the aliens have come back for him!
Music: second playing of Close Encounters Intro
Action: SAs dressed as Roswell-type aliens abduct Ken look-a-like and replace him with Sean
Announcer: This year, we’re pleased to introduce Mister Sean Williams as our director. Sean is completely human—as far as we know.
Music: third playing of Close Encounters Intro [with tubas] into Men in Black Intro
Formation: M O B
Action: Formation changes during rap part while MIB agents chase ailens
Announcer: And now for something completely different: MOBsters traditionally can play whatever instruments they can bring onto the field. Normally, we get some violins or violas or even cellos, but this year a freshman wanted to play organ. So we, uh… borrowed the new Old Grand Organ from the Shepherd School. With seventy-five stops, eighty-four ranks, and four thousand and ninety-three pipes, it’s truly a magnificent instrument. Here it comes out of the tunnel!
Formation: Treble clef and sixteenth notes
Music: Toccata
Action: Big Organ Prop (BOP) rolls down the tunnel and keeps going straight into the goalpost. BOP goes BOOM!
MOB: “D’OH!”
Announcer: Oops! That was the new Old Grand Organ from the Shepherd School. Oh, well—Timmy, I guess you’ll just have to stick with the cowbell.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Rice vs. Tulane University

Louisiana Superdome — New Orleans, LA
September 13, 1997

Result: W 30—24

THEME… EtOH

MOB: “Go Rice!”
SUPERDOME JUMBOTRON: PLAYS 30-SECOND WINN-DIXIE COMMERCIAL

(THE MEAT PEOPLE)

Announcer: Hi! We’re the Rice University Marching Owl Band, better known as the MOB! We performed at halftime of last year’s game. You may remember our show. If not, that’s good!
Formation: M O B
Music: Dixie Rice
Announcer: The MOB is always sensitive to the desires of our audience, so this year we decided to do a show about a topic you actually might understand…
Formation: 9 9
Music: 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall (1st round)
Action: Lederhosen-clad SAs with giant beer mugs consume heavily and dance about
Announcer: Have you guessed it yet?
Formation: 9 8
Music: 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall (2nd round, a little faster)
Action: Lederhosen-clad SAs with giant beer mugs consume heavily and dance about, fighting with each other
Announcer: Announcer: You still don’t know?
Formation: 9 7
Music: 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall (3rd round, faster)
Action: Lederhosen-clad SAs with giant beer mugs consume heavily and dance about, fighting with each other a lot
Announcer: If you don’t know by now, ask your neighbor!
Formation: 9 6
Music: 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall (4th round, faster still)
Action: Lederhosen-clad SAs with giant beer mugs consume heavily and dance about, fighting with each other a lot, then fall down
Announcer: Okay, we’ll tell you! It’s cold, it’s foamy, and it’s not just for breakfast any more! You can get lots of it in this town, if you;re over twenty-one, of course. When you’ve said it, you’ve said it all!
Formation: B E E R
Music: Beer Barrel Polka
Announcer: Give me a B!
Action: People in the “B” scatter to tequila bottle
Announcer: Give me an E!
Action: People in the E scatter to bottle
Announcer: Give me another E!
Action: People in the second E scatter
Announcer: Give me an R!
Action: R people scatter
Announcer: What’s that spell?
MOB: “BEER!”
Announcer: What’s that spell?
MOB: “BEER!”
Announcer: What’s that?
MOB: “BEER!”
Announcer: I can’t hear you?
MOB: “BEER!”
Announcer: One more time:
MOB: “BEER!”
Announcer: …but, really, there’s more to life than beer…
Formation: Tequila bottle (with SA worm)
Music: Tequila
Action: Worm (labelled Chinese dragon) goes through bottle
Announcer: blah blah blah Aggies blah blah blah penguins blah blah blah Kerri Strug, America’s sweetheart! blah blah blah thog blah blah blah Napoleonic Wars blah blah blah The streets will run with the blood of the unbelievers! blah blah blah This halftime show has been approved by Dick.
Formation: Beer mug
Music: Bohemian Rhapsody
Action: SAs did something, but we won’t know what until we look at the tape… (carried cardboard “bubbles” through the “beer” in the mug)
Announcer: Alright, I think you guys need to take a sobriety test. Walk along a straight line.
Action: MOB fails to walk down yard lines
Announcer: Now touch your nose with your finger.
Action: MOBsters try to do this and fail
Announcer: Now stand on one foot and hop!
Action: Everyone hops and falls down
Announcer: So, how many drinks have you had?
Cowbell: clank!-clank!-clank!-clank!
MOB: “5!-6!-7!-8!”
Music: Louie, Louie
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the 1997 Rice University Marching Owl Band, under the direction of Mr. Sean Williams. Drum Major for the MOB is Andy Hickly, and the Drum Minor is Allison Zumbro. The Production Manager is Anita Anderson and this is your announcer… Foster Brooks.
Action: Exeunt all

University of Texas at Austin vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 27, 1997

Result: L 38—31

THEME… Selling Out

Announcer: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Today’s BMC Software Bayou City Shootout halftime is brought to you by the new UT Cheerleader Barbie. She jumps! She kicks! She bags lots of Darrell Royalties for the Athletic Department. She even cheers when everyone leaves the stadium early…
Action: During the script, a burnt-orange-clad Barbie “cheers” enthusiastically at the 50 yard line. She is tackled and carried off by someone in a bear costume, wearing a UCLA shirt.
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: So—you went to the Fiesta Bowl and still lost money? Luxury suites only bringing in a few million? Increase your bottom line like the pros—sell every seat twice—with Personal Seat Licenses. You think only an Aggie would pay for the same seat twice? Au contraire! Sooner or later you will too—don’t let the Sooners beat you to it…
Formation: $ $
Music: Money for Nothing
Action: Athletic Department types wheel a fully-appointed luxury box (including a chef cooking at the back) onto the field. Wealthy fans produce large wads of cash for the privilege of sitting in the box and watching like Caesar in the Colosseum as other SAs race through formation, tearing “seat-licenses” off the bottoms of the MOB as they play. Much rejoicing for those that get the most and possible battles between the “haves” and “have-nots”.
Announcer: The Aggies are building luxury boxes, but construction was recently delayed when former Reveilles had to be asked to go somewhere else… to play dead.
Formation: W O O F
Music: Dead Dog
Action: Aggies dragging dead dogs around with full military honors
Announcer: Which leads us to this—does Bevo add to revenues, after he fades into the burnt orange sunset? At thirty nine thousand dollars per pound, you bet he does! Bevo—it’s what’s for dinner!
Formation: M O O O
Music: Hoe-Down (from Copland’s Rodeo)
Action: A pantomime Bevo pursued by the chef (carrying a very large axe) from the luxury box (earlier)
Announcer: Now that you’ve sold out, all you can do is wait and hope that your stadium will to. Let’s review—Raised ticket prices…
MOB: “Check!”
Announcer: Built luxury suites…
MOB: “Check!”
Announcer: Scoreboard plays commercials over “The Eyes of Texas”…
MOB: “Check!”
Announcer: Winning all your home games…
MOB: “D’oh!”
Formation: R I C H
Music: Free Ride
Action: Football players stage a game between UT and Rutgers. The Barbie doll is back on the sidelines cheering. Then the bear runs out and tackles her again. Then it wades into the football game and tackles both teams. Then, if time permitting, it goes and tackles the woodwinds.
Formation: R I (owlogo) C E
Announcer:

But, unlike a giant money-factory state school, Rice would never sell out. We take pride in the ideals of amateur college athletics, free from the shameless commercialization practiced by others. [scatter for sideline]

Thank you, from the 1997 Quaker Oats Minute RICE MARCHING Greenpeace Save the Spotted OWL Officemax Rubber BAND.

Action: At the scatter, the “Your Name Here” sign is unrolled. Bear chases Barbie across the field again, toward the Press Box…
Scoreboard: 1997
Quaker Oats Minute RICE
MARCHING
Greenpeace Save the Spotted OWL
Officemax Rubber BAND
Exit: Flee
Music: Louie, Louie (after we clear the field)
Note: DO NOT EAT THIS SENTENCE

University of Nevada, Las Vegas vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 2, 1995

Result: W 38—0

Action: A small group of burnt and smoking violinists walk out along he 50 to just before the logo, everyone else is on sidelines
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, before halftime, we have a brief announcement. Last April, the Rice Memorial Center was damaged by a fire which not only burned Willy’s Pub, but also totally destroyed the MOB’s instruments, uniforms and music. However, we in the MOB feel it is our duty to continue providing quality halftime entertainment. So please welcome the 1995 Rice University Marching Owl Band.
Action: The smoking group does some heavy throat clearing, and begins to play “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” into a microphone. Badly. After an appropriate amount of time, the new, resplendent MOB bursts from the tunnel and runs them over (complete with roll-out flattened person or persons).. The smoking crew disappears.
Formation: B O M
Announcer: Fortunately, the insurance company replace all of our old equipment, and there was enough money left over to buy a new state-of-the-art computerized formation software. Unfortunately, it was written for Windows 95.
Formation: M O B
Music: Great Balls of Fire
Action: SAs burn the pub. Formation changes to fire hydrant.
Announcer: But Rice was not the only place where sad events happened this past year. Despite the efforts of UN Secretary General Boutros Boutros Gali Gali Oxen Free Fatang, fatang, ole biscuit barrel, the peace in Bosnia has lasted about as long as Shannon Falkner’s military career. And Grateful Dead fans everywhere mourn the death of lead singer Jerry Garcia. It was said that half his ashes were spread over northern California, and the other half was sold in clear plastic bags with rolling papers.
Formation: Peace sign
Music: I Love Rock & Roll
Action: Deadheads, and a swaying lighter section during the vocal
Announcer: Speaking of disasters, the Houston Oilers’ season starts this weekend. It takes a special kind of man to ask for 200 million dollars a a time when his team can’t even compare to the Northwest 45 Little League All-Stars. But if Bud’s idea is to build something that can hold everyone in Houston who still likes him, that’s fine with us—it’s cheap to build a stadium with no seats all.
Formation: Map of Texas
Music: Hit the Road Jack (with “Jack” changed to “Bud”)
Action: SAs move the Astrodome from Houston to Tennessee (tripping over the turf along the way?), chasing some football players and Bud
Announcer: Most importantly and closest to our hearts, however, is the Collapse of the Southwest Conference. So as the MOB begins its 1995 Farewell Tour of the Southwest Conference, keep in mind the greatest disaster of them all: there will be so many schools that will never hear this again:
Music: Louie, Louie
Epilogue: Rice won this game 38-0, our first shutout in two years. The Little Leaguers remark is a reference to the halftime presentation to the Little League Baseball National Champs from Spring, Texas.

Tulane University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 16, 1995

Result: L 17—15

MOB: “Go Rice! …Fore!”
Action: MOB on sidelines, making a big show about testing the wind direction, and lining up shots. Then entire MOB whacks whiffle golf balls onto the field toward SA with a flag.
Announcer: What do doctors and O.J. Simpson have in common? They’ve both been known to slice a few! Of course, we’re talking about their favorite game: golf. From the world’s largest miniature golf hole, the Marching Owl Band will to show you how to get your game on par fore the coming fall season.
Formation: F O R E
Music: All I Wanna Do
Action: SAs set up a little golf course with flags and sand traps. They wear golf gear, including spiked shoes, cardigans, knickers, berets, argyle socks, straw hats with floral bands, and visors. O.J. rides around in a white golf cart, since the trial is still going on. Spoofs of the game in general occur, involving Stay on Cart Path” signs, etiquette blunders, clothing choices, etc.
MOB: “Fore!” [MOB whacks (or putts) golf balls again]
Announcer: Do you find yourself going behind trees to look for your balls? Then you need to fix your grip, so strap on the Hook Harness! It keeps your knees bent, elbows straight, shoulders square, head down, eyes on the ball, brow furrowed, nostrils flared, thumbs up, eyes crossed, and that’s not all! It also hooks, slices, and dices and comes with its own insurance fore your trips to the hospital!
Formation: Flag. A rectangular flag. Well, not quite.
Music: River of Dreams
Action: SAs demonstrate the Hook Harness, which consists of some poor SA wandering around in a contraption with six-foot long poles sticking out everywhere.
MOB: “Fore!” and scramble as before
Announcer: Do you get annoyed at other golfers who go too slow but won’t let you play through? We have just what you need! Developed by the military and used in Operation Desert Storm, the Inter-Course Ball Missile, or ICBM, can blow away the competition with superior firepower off the tee. Let it do for your golf course what it did fore Saddam’s private driving range.
Formation: I C B M
Music: Couple Days Off
Action: Saddam’s private driving range in Iraq. Saddam joining OJ in his white golf cart for a friendly round. SAs gazilch plastic golf balls around the field.
MOB: “Fore!” and scramble
Announcer: We know that most people would rather be trapped in a room with Bob Packwood than be seen these things, so we’re going to tell you about the best golf training aid ever invented—us! Yes, the Marching Owl Band can help you play better golf. We can teach you how to concentrate during any distraction!
Action: MOBsters yell epithet at the crowd
Announcer: Have your own personal gallery of spectators at every tournament!
Action: MOB gives crowd golf claps
Announcer: Get special “help” finding those lost balls!
Action: MOBsters surreptitiously drop “lost” balls, whistling and looking at the clouds. Maybe kick the whiffle balls toward the green.
Announcer: We guarantee that we are the highest quality product you’ll ever find. We’ve been tested in wind tunnels, humidity, rain, and Chemistry 101, and we’re engineered at the best university in the country. Hurry up and order us before we’re all gone!
Action: Cowbell starts. When the count gets to four, we duck yet again and the cowbell stops. Cowbell starts again, this time with “one, two, three, …, five, six, seven, eight” and we play Louie and return the field to our beloved Winged Warriors.

Rice vs. United States Military Academy at West Point

Michie Stadium — West Point, NY
September 30, 1995

Result: T 21—21

Announcer: [Hick accent] Howdy, we’re from Texas… Presenting the Rice University Marching Band!
Action: Band enters from four corners of field
Formation: M O B
Music: Turning It Loose
Announcer: And now, honoring the 1994, 45, and 46 Army teams and the cadets who have served our country for the past 50 years…
Formation: 5 0
Music: The Caisson Song
Announcer: Our pregame musical selection, for the Black Knights of West Point—”Back In Black.”
Music: Back In Black
Announcer: And now, a college rock classic—the famous “Shout!”
Formation: “Shout” chevrons
Music: Shout
Action: SAs shoot streamers everywhere with mini-gazilchers, everyone runs off the field like mad at end of song…
Epilogue: This show was…wierd. We had written a wonderful show, especially geared for this long-awaited trip to Army (we were the first opposing-team band to play there in many, many years), but Army called us up the day we left for New York to tell us that they didn’t think our script was appropriate to the occasion, so we couldn’t do it. The above was written on the trip from New York to Army, I think. We were only allowed to do a pregame show, since the halftime was to be taken up doing presentations. Sigh. Maybe another day… —S. S.

Rice vs. University of Texas at Austin

Texas Memorial Stadium — Austin, TX
October 7, 1995

Result: L 37—13

Formation: M O B
Music: Turning It Loose
Announcer: The score was 19-17. Oops, excuse me… the year was 1917. The Southwest Conference had just been formed, Rice beat Texas for the first time, and scientists at Rice were commissioned to manufacture a time capsule, not to be opened until the final year of conference play…
Formation: 1 9 1 7
Music: 99 Red Balloons
Formation: ‘ 9 5
Action: Big treasure chest concealed by green turf-like tarp. Tethered red balloons released, then pulled back.
Announcer: Some of the secrets in the time capsule were truly incredible. The MOB was amazed to learn that the famous UT tower was designed like a Rice architect to look like a huge owl dominating the Austin skyline. However, that was nothing compared to the shocking truth we learned about your own favorite song. Listen as we roll the tape…
Formation: Reel-to-reel tape recorder
Action: SAs have transforming tower prop. The reels in the formation move back and forth.
Music: The Eyes of Louie (begins with The Eyes of Texas, blends into Louie, Louie as tape reverses)
Announcer: Can that be right? Let’s hear more, just to be sure…
Music: The Eyes of Louie (again, with the second phrase of The Eyes of Texas)
Announcer: And if that’s sticking in your throat, just compare it to a tobacco-covered hot dog…
Music: The Eyes of Louie (finishes with Louie, Louie)
Announcer: Well, now it is time to say goodbye too the conference that lasted just longer than the OJ trial. Oh, and by the way, Johnnie Cochran asked us to tell you that he’s looking for work and would just love to defend the Texas Cowboys.
Formation: Chevrons to Shout lines
Music: Shout
Action: Exit after “Oh baby, one last time!”

University of Houston vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
December 2, 1995

Result: L 18—17

“SWC Swan Song”

Action: Pallbearers carry coffin labelled “SWC” to middle of the field as soon as we’re allowed on the field…
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: The Southwest Conference as it began; four state institutions, three religious institutions, and one educational institution. While the other schools have seen investigation and even *death* at the hands of the NCAA, the student-athletes at the “institute for the advancement of letters, science and art” have always been able to define and spell the word “amateur.”
Formation: S W C
Music: Keyboard with organ-stops plays a dirge Rice’s Honor
Action: Cheerleaders for the numbers of the following countdown with their bodies
Announcer:

From WAC headquarters in Denver—the top ten differences between the WAC and the S-W-C:

#10. Sixteen teams means twice the fun!
#9. Two Rice Stadiums!
#8. Proof that there’s football outside of Texas
#7. No schools bigger than the state of Rhode Island
#6. B-Y-U Cougars aren’t toothless and declawed
#5. Mountains
#4. De-fense is only something found between de-houses
#3. Lots more frequent flier miles
#2. WAC mascots are potty trained

And the number one difference. Two words:

MOB: “NO AGGIES!”
Formation: W A C
Music: Sing, Sing, Sing
Action: Scatter at each drum-break. The aggregate mascots fight it out, eventually working out their differences and ubangeeing the Aggies.
Announcer: The orange moo-cows, baptist bears, red T-raitors and maroon marching *morons* sought greener pastures. The green was money. Abandoning all pretense of “amateur athletics,” the semi-pro-grams bailed for the big-buck Big Eight. The Owls found a roost in the WAC. We’ll say “Aloha” from Honolulu, while our former foes can just go to… Kansas.
Formation: Hawaiian islands
Music: Carry On My Wayward Son
Action: Money and TVs are used to herd the greed-heads into position, where a BIG-12-TON wight will fall on them from the second deck
Announcer: Should auld acquaintance be forgot? No. In 1915, Rice played in the first Southwest Conference football game. Now, we’re playing in the last—number nineteen hundred fifty three. In the year 1953, Rice was the conference champion; and the Owls won the ’54 Cotton Bowl with the help of the famous “bench tackle” that will always remind the world of the Conference—and Rice.
Formation: 1 9 5 3
Music: Auld Lang Syne
Formation: R I C E
Action: Giant football is snapped to 47-clad SA, who runs for the far endzone, only to be chased by two red-and-white clad players carrying a bench. Eventually abandon the bench and tackle him. Ref carries ball to endzone and signals touchdown, with others throwing tantrums or celebrating.
Announcer: Something’s just not right. The conference can’t end yet. It’s not over ’til…
Action: Coffin opens, Wagnerian fat-lady climbs out and emits a soprano operatic tremolo note
Action: Fat-lady produces cowbell and starts…
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
NOTE: DO NOT EAT THIS SENTENCE
Epilogue:

Very well received. The loudest vocal crowd response from a non-A&M, non-UT home crowd in recent memory. Nearly everything worked. There was even cooperation from the Athletic Department, as they delayed starting the halftime clock for five minutes, and then simply stopped the clock to allow us to have ten minutes on the clock when our show started. This helped enormously, as I saw the clock at 0:06 as the last few stragglers were leaving the playing surface.

Keyboard diminished-Rice’s Honor was great (and we even got away with the added length).

Compliments from many, including Malcolm Gillis.

Halftime score: Rice-10 UH-3
Final score: Rice-17 UH-18
Attendance: 28,400

Tulane University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 17, 1994

Result: L 15—13

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: MOB enters field, SAs drive White Bronco followed by Police Cars out of tunnel
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages! Not taking the field, the greatest entertainment sensation ever to appear on the gridiron… [5 seconds of hand-held police siren over stadium PA] A white Ford Bronco!
Formation: Lines
Music: Summertime intro
Announcer: This summer it was hot, Rice welcomed a new coach, tuition went up, the Oilers lost their first game, and a Southwest Conference school was on probation. Wait a second… wasn’t that last summer?
Formation: Sunset, then H O T
Music: Summertime
Announcer: Michael Jackson disappointed thousands of young adoring fans this summer with his surprise marriage announcement. Why, Elvis would be rolling in his grave… if he were dead. But seriously, the MOB would like to wish the best of luck to both the bride… and Lisa Marie.
Formation: Male/Female symbol
Music: Love Shack
Action: SAs perform mock marriage ceremony featuring man in band uniform and woman in bunny suit
Announcer: The MOB would like to congratulate the Rockets on winning Houston’s first world championship. In honor of this event we would like to present a not-so-instant replay of this summer’s heavily followed Championship Drive.
Formation: Basketball court
Music: Rescue Me
Action: SAs play basketball game. Halfway through number, White Bronco drives through game, disrupting play (MOBs on sides to court scatter while Bronco moves so it has room to drive through).
Announcer: Ken Hatfield is already 3-0 at Rice Stadium; unfortunately, Rice lost those games. He was too good for Air Force, too smart for Arkansas, and too honest for Clemson. Please join the MOB in our annual salute to the new coach.
Formation: H A T
Music: Stay
Action: SAs in football uniforms perform calisthenics
Announcer: Summer wouldn’t be complete without the national pastime.
Music: First part of Strike Intro (a “triple charge”)
Announcer: Football?
Music: Second part of Strike Intro
Announcer: Basketball?
Music: Third (final) part of Strike Intro
Announcer: No it’s Labor-Management Disputes!
Formation: One $ on left side, two blobs on sidelines at 50-yd line and on right side
Music: First eight bars of Baseball Strike (Take Me Out to the Ballgame)
MOB: “More money!”
Action: Middle blob forms second $
Music: First eight bars of Baseball Strike
MOB: “More money!”
Action: Right blob forms third $
Music: First eight bars of Baseball Strike
MOB: “More money!”
Announcer: No more money. Strike three—yer out!
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: SAs wave picket signs. Exeunt all.

Texas Tech University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
October 8, 1994

Result: W 24—21

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Formation: pre-M O B
Announcer: Well, you’ve come to an exciting game at Rice Stadium and you’re ready to watch halftime. Some of you want to watch the MOB. Others just want to see the second half. We’ve come up with a solution to this and nearly any other problem. Let’s do both! It’s Full Contact Marching!! MOB-lite asks: Can Your Band Do This?
Formation: M O B
Music: Fun, Fun, Fun
Action: Two teams of SAs/musicians line up opposite each other and run plays using instruments as the football
Announcer:

There’s a new game in town, which could lead to the following argument:

I want to watch the Aeros’ hockey game.”
“Well I want to watch Barney.”
“Hockey!”
“Barney!”
“Let’s do both—it’s hockey puck Barney!!”

Formation: Skate
Music: Great Balls of Fire
Action: SA hockey players and zamboni pummel Barney
Announcer:

This family is torn between college football and Olympic athletics at their finest:

“I want to watch the synchronized swimming competition.”
“Well, I want to watch the Aggie halftime show.”
“Synchronized swimming!”
“Halftime!”
“Let’s do both: MOB-lite pesents synchronized marching!”

Formation: Swimming pool
Music: Far From Over
Action: SAs perform a complicated (and synchronized) swimming routine
Announcer:

And how could we leave out the most diverse of households?

“I wan to watch mudwrestling.”
“Well, I want to watch the Congressional debates on C-Span.”
“Mudwrestling!”
“Congress!”
“Wait a minute—they’re the same thing!”

Formation: M U D
Music: Wipeout
Action: SAs in suits throwing “mud” at each other and wrestling to the death. Some carry Vote ____ signs and are tackled from behind.
Announcer:

And what about the bickering MOBsters?

“I want to play Louie.”
“No, I want to play Louie.”
“Louie!”
“Louie!”
“The MOB presents Louie, Louie. Can Your Band Do This?”

Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Get off the field

University of Texas at Austin vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
October 16, 1994

Result: W 19—17

Announcer: This is the story of Bubba Joe Tevye, who lived in the Old Hill Country with his nine daughters—a family with lots of tradition. Every Saturday, they would gather together to play games. But one day a few years back, a Winnebago heading southeast drove up and the driver yelled “SOOOEEEY.” One of the daughters jumped in, and things would never be the same again.
Formation: S W C
Music: Fiddler intro
Announcer: But some of the daughters did not respect tradition. Four of them spent their days dreaming of a better life in exotic places like Stillwater, Ames, and Norman. Three of the other daughters knew they’d have to settle for lesser places like Las Vegas, San Diego, and Honolulu.
MOB: “Yaaay!”
Announcer: That left only Shasta, who didn’t know where she would go, but knew she could always get a job taking math tests for all her friends.
Formation: Texas (turns into W A C)
Music: Bohemian Rhapsody
Announcer: Finally, one day, each daughter left home to get married. Some of the daughters were strong, some were intelligent, some were beautiful. Only one daughter was weak, stupid and ugly as sin. Poor Aggie… what did she have? Why she had her Uncle Gilbert, who could play matchmaker with potential husbands… by giving them summer jobs. [Ed.—A&M was on probation this year because some players were given summer jobs requiring no work]
Formation: $ $
Music: If I Were a Rich Man
Announcer: Bubba Joe was heartbroken. He know that some of his daughters would never see each other again. He had no family, no tradition, no bowl game. But he did have something that could never be taken away, something that no amount of money could ever buy—memories of an era that no one would ever see again.
Formation: Concentric circles
Music: Hava Nagilah

Rice vs. Texas A&M University

Kyle Field — College Station, TX
October 22, 1994

Result: L 7—0

Announcer: It’s election time again, and same old politicians are saying the same old things, making promises as outrageous as turning mercury into gold. But now the MOB presents an alternative—vote for us! We have fresh, new ideas guaranteed to get America moving again. If you’re tired of government, you’re ready for MOB rule.
Formation: M O B
Music: Dragnet intro
Announcer: Politicians say that they’re “tough on crime.” Under MOB Rule, we can do better: our plan will eliminate crime completely by making everything legal. You won’t go to jail—you won’t even get probation. You’ll be bale to get away with anything—just like Longhorn wide receivers.
Formation: Police car
Music: Back In the USSR
Action: An orange car (with fire extinguisher exhaust) careens around the field until it collides with a store facade. Police attempt to arrest football player in car, but decide to let him go.
Announcer: Today, people are worried about endangered species like spotted owls, killdeer, and candidates who campaign on issues. Under MOB Rule, we believe in extinction. We would eliminate those things which should be extinct, like congressmen, the IRS, and Longhorns in the Cotton Bowl.
Formation: “Not” symbol
Music: Wipeout
Action: People in suits holding screws that say “IRS” strike others with them. People holding “Vote For Me” signs go campaigning. Some folks in MOB uniform shoot the IRS folks and politicians. At the drum break, MOB does the traditional Wipeout swim-dance.
Announcer: Once again, the US military is on the job invading yet another petty dictatorship. Under MOB Rule, we’d establish limits on military action: from now on, we only invade countries with tropical beaches where the natives speak English. Isn’t it time we brought freedom to Hawaii?
Formation: Bottle (with worm inside) and glass
Music: Tequila
Action: Some people in military garb march up to people lounging in lawn chairs, and they start to party with large tropical drinks. In the formation, part of the band “pours” from bottle to cup, followed by the Worm (Chines-dragon style).
Announcer:

Finally, everyone is talking about term limits, but last week the Owls did something about it—we said 28 years was enough and Rice beat Texas! Under MOB Rule, we’d offer the Longhorns a chance to win by playing a team they sometimes beat 100 years ago…

Gimme a “Y”! MOB: “Y!”
Gimme a “M”! MOB: “M!”
Gimme a “C”! MOB: “C!”
Gimme a “A”! MOB: “A!”
Formation: Y M C A (MOB sits or crouches)
Music: YMCA
Action: During spellout, band members in each letter spring up. People dressed in Village People garb spread out below letters and do the YMCA dance routine.
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: There you have it, the official MOB Rule platform. On election Day, remember to vote early, vote often, and vote in pencil so we can correct your mistakes.

Southern Methodist University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
November 5, 1994

Result: W 17—10

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: 25 years ago, NASA thought they had fulfilled a directive issued by President John F. Kennedy at Rice Stadium in 1962, to put a man on the moon. Bu recently, historians have found that Kennedy originally had a much more ambitious goal… to place a marching band on the moon.
Formation: 1 9 6 2
Music: Hail to the Chief tag
Action: JFK imitator
Announcer: Kennedy believed it should be our goal, by the end of the decade, to put a marching band on the moon and return it safely to the earth. Why do we do these things? Why does Rice beat Texas? Not because it is easy, but because we can.
Formation: N A S A
Music: Space Medley—Star Trek
Action: M.O.S.S. appears from tunnel to pick up JFK, SAs also unroll a big banner with a moon painted on it, similar to the storefront from A&M
Announcer: The MOB decided that they should be that band. A spacecraft was designed by Rice Engineers using state-of-the-art technology and the best material NASA money could buy—duct tape. But even duct tape can’t do everything. The need for metal would have put the project over budget if the student body hadn’t generously donated some torn-down goal posts.
Formation: Space shuttle
Music: Vehicle
Action: Formation moves 10 yards, MOSS stops at Port-a-Potty. At the end of the song, the MOSS crashes through the moon banner.
Announcer:

After a successful landing, the crew of the Owl encountered a problem…

[radio crackle]Houston? Tranquility Base here. The Owl has landed.
Roger that MOB. Congratulations.
Standby for initiation of halftime performance.
Now show us what a band on the Moon sounds like.

Formation: Crescent Moon. SAs provide some stars
Music: Silent Louie, Louie—8 bars or so with motion
Action: Unfurl banner reading “Sound doesn’t travel in space, get it?”
Announcer:

Houston, we have a problem
Roger that MOB…

Sadly, the MOB had slept through their freshman physics lectures… It was one small note for the MOB, one giant silence for band-kind. They decided that next time they would find a place with a little more… atmosphere.

Formation: Full Moon
Music: Time Warp
Action: A lunar lander descends from the upper deck during song, formation changes
Formation: Clock
Action: Hands on clock go around
Announcer: One more crisis awaited, during the long voyage home. The MOB had to use slide rules to compute their re-entry, because the Owlnet computers were down—again. Picking the wettest splashdown site in recent memory, the MOB soon found itself safely home—at Rice Stadium.
Formation: Script R i c e
Music: Rice’s Honor
Action: All fall down, with gong sounding and falling over at end
Action: Flee
Note: do not read this sentence

Texas A&M University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
October 23, 1993

Result: L 38—10

Announcer: In the beginning there was marching, then there was the MOB.
Action: MOB enters to LEFT—Left—LEFT-LEFT-LEFT…
Announcer: Space Station Freedom may never get built, but 20 years ago nine U.S. astronauts worked in SkyLab. What else happened in 1973? The Arab oil embargo started. And after President Nixon ended the draft, a young Bill Clinton found it safe to come back from England.
Formation: 1 9 7 3
Announcer: On the same day in 1973 that Nixon proclaimed “I’m not a crook”, Marvin Zindler twirled for the MOB, and a simple halftime show found its way into legend. After the game, the MOB was cornered in Rice Stadium, only to be rescued by something with worse taste than their halftime show—Rice food service trucks. But, one squad was afraid of being the next meal; they missed the ride to safety, and remained hidden under the stadium for 20 years. Today, the Lost Squad is back.
Formation: Food service truck
Music: Old Days
Action: Lost Squad, in owltails uniforms complete with Q-tips, and possibly wearing long grey beards enters field and joins the rest of the MOB in the formation
Announcer: When the Lost Squad entered the tunnel—senior boots cost less than $200, Willy’s Pub was struggling to exist, “streaking” was a big fad, Elvis was playing in Vegas, and Arkansas was dragging down the IQ of the Southwest Conference.
Formation: Fire hydrant
Music: Light My Fire
Action: Nixon-masked president vigorously waving “V” for victory hands, draft protests, Space capsule comes down from second deck…
Formation: The Lost Squad has returned to find that their senior boots are now $700, Willy’s Pub is struggling to exist, Arkansas is dragging down the IQ of the Southeast Conference, Club 13 is still streaking around Rice, Elvis is still playing in Vegas, and Marvin Zindler is still twirling with the MOB. Here he is—Marvin Zindler
MOB: “Eyewitness News!”
Formation: E L V I S
Music: Crocodile Rock
Action: Food service truck, painted “Gag ’em Food” drives around the MOB and picks up the Lost Squad, space shuttle comes down from second deck. Formation changes during song to LIVES ACTION
Announcer: The world is full of surprises for the Lost Squad. The Arabs and Israelis are shaking hands, East and West Germans are shaking hands, Americans are even shaking hands with Russians. And the MOB is just out here shaking. [pause] It’s time for the MOB to surprise the world.
Formation: script R i c e
Music: Rice’s Honor
Action: While most of the MOB is playing Rice’s Honor, Ken leads the whole band over to the A&M band and whoever can/wants to shakes hands with all available Aggies. MOB scatters to front of student section
Music: Louie, Louie
Announcer: This final message to you Aggies waiting for 20 years in the hedges outside the stadium: you can go home now.
Ed.—The actions seem to be out of order, but this is how they appear in the version of the script I have…

Baylor University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
November 12, 1994

Result: L 19—14

Announcer: Drugs. Hallucinogens. Controlled substances. What do these things have to do with Rice and Baylor? Well, in 1965, Rice beat Texas. For the last time ever? Don’t be stupid. And that very same year, Baylor conducted secret experiments on LSD. While the drug didn’t have any horrible side effects like making people dance, it did send a Baylor coed on a trip through the imagination. The MOB is proud to present: Alice’s Adventures in Baylorland.
Formation: Peace sign
Music: Hip to be Square
Announcer: Our story begins when Alice entered the biology lab and saw some mushrooms fresh in from College Station. They were labelled, “Eat me.” So she did, and suddenly she was eight feet tall. So Alice tried out for the Baylor basketball team, but she wasn’t the type of player the coaches wanted: she had earned all of her college credits.
Formation: A B C
Music: Proud Mary
Announcer: Alice sued Baylor for discrimination and won millions. She decided to celebrate, but how? A toga party would be too sinful for Baylor, a Tupperware party would be boring, and a democratic party would be horribly unpopular. Alice thought of the beverage of choice among college students everywhere. [MOB: “Beer!”] But there was a big problem…
Formation: Script b e e r
Music: No Beer with vocal “At Baylor there is no beer…”
Announcer: So Alice had a tea party, and saw a horrible sight. Two of the guests were Aggies: Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber. So she swore never to hallucinate again. Which brings us to the moral of our story: If someone offers you drugs, you should do the same thing the MOB did when the administration told us to be a normal marching band:
Music: Stars and Stripes (intro only, hold last note)
MOB: “Just say No!!”
Formation: Marching form
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Sam Houston State University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 26, 1992

Result: W 45—14

“Olympian Summer Recap”

Announcer: Greetings from Rice Stadium, home of the 1992 MOB Olympics! Not MultiCast—this is MOBCAST—with 264 mind-numbing channels. You’ll see nauseating sob stories, computer scoring controversies, music videos of falling U.S. Gymnasts, and—if time allows—the games themselves.
Formation: 1 9 9 2
Music: Bugler’s Dream Fanfare
Action: During the fanfare the torch-bearer runs in from the tunnel to the ceremonial center of something and poses with pride for the crowd. The flame is “transferred” to the arrow and the archer aims. Someone cries, “Look, it’s Elvis,” and the archer shoots Elvis, who tumbles out of the upper deck.
Announcer: Let the 1992 halftimes begin!
Action: The archer is carried off to the Huntsville prison; there is a pause to let people see his capture.
Announcer: Coming up, on the Green Channel—Nike versus Reebok in product endorsement competition; on the All-White Channel we have presidential Mud-Wrestling from the Liars Club venue; and, on the Blue Channel, the breast stroke, featured only after 11pm. This broadcast is sponsored by Gilette Foamy, the official shaving cream of the U.S. Men’s Volleyball Team. Lookin’ smooth guys!
Formation: pre M O B
Music: Bohemian Rhapsody
Action: SAs reenact as many varied events as they are capable, with many athletes being hauled off to prison for spearing a referee with a javelin, using starting gun to shoot competitors, etc… prison has revolving door(?)…
Announcer: A women’s swim team was the rave
It’s rumored that steroids they crave
On their once lovely bods
They grew hair by the wads
And they desperately needed a shave
(pause)
There once was a swim team from China…
Formation: Female Biological Symbol
Music: Walk Like a Man
Action: Formation changes into a male symbol during the song; gorilla in a bright orange bikini and other female swimmers have entered the field along with the drug staff. Wielding a giant hypodermic and a huge plastic cup, they proceed to analyze all of the swimmers except the gorilla.
Announcer: And now, live from Rice University…
Music: Nightline
Announcer: And on the Blue-Gray Channel—we see Rice commuting students in the 637 meter medley, careening about the Stadium Park-and-Run lot—competing for a place to park, and race-walking to Fondren Library in under seven minutes. This is the student’s final Olympic appearance before the administration phases them out completely, so everyone please, give them a big hand…
Formation: 7 5
Music: Hit the Road Jack
Action: Parking-and-run mayhem; song ends, torch carrier runs out with flaming cowbell and, just as the music should start, we run off the field because there’s no time left; cowbell is smitten rhythmically from sideline…
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Epilogue: This is pre-video viewing. There were new speakers in the all-midrange sound system. It was hearable. It was OK. Not a wildly raucous crowd. The mannequin-fall was noticed. The crowd started to sing along with Bohemian Rhapsody. They laughed at the limerick and even payed attention during the Rice segment and laughed appropriately. They cheered for Nightline. I give it a C+.
Attendance: 20500.
Halftime score: Final score: R45-14

University of Texas at Austin vs. Rice

October 3, 1992
Rice Stadium — Houston, tX

Result: L 23—21

The “Wild Kingdom” Show

Announcer: When beasts ruled the Earth, extinction was a slow and natural process of evolution. But now, Man rules, and things are dying off right and left. It might not be long before there are no more Elephants, Bosnians, or Politically Incorrect Fraternities. So, while Jim wrestles the alligator, join us as the MOB—Mutual of Bastrop—presents: Wild Kingdom.
Formation: Dinosaur
Music: Wild Thing (short version)
Action: Jim wrestles the alligator
Announcer: Nature is very resilient in its fight against Man and extinction. In the Pacific Northwest, the Spotted Owl might just win its battle against the timber industry because, for every 15 owls, the loggers have only one chain saw. And in the Southwest, automobile grilles are never safe from the merciless onslaught of Kamikaze Armadillo Death Squads.
Formation: Armadillo
Music: Rockin’ Down the Highway (short version)
Action: Armadillo becomes a flat thing (lines). “Big props, big action.” It’ll be great. We all wear armadillo things.
Announcer: In Texas, a truly endangered species is the Blue Chip Running Back. Its migratory patterns can be unpredictable, ranging from College Station to Oklahoma, and even as far as Wisconsin. Recently, wildlife watchers thought they had spotted one in Austin, but, alas, they had not.
Formation: H A D
Music: Zorba the Greek
Action: H A D turns into N O T ! then possibly into O P A !. A choreographed chase with a Running Back deftly avoiding Wildlife Watchers carrying big nets. The varying tempos of the music dictate the tempo of the chase.
Announcer: Fall is the mating season for many political birds who perform elaborate dances to attract voters. But this fall, the Bush Quayle may find it hard to fly straight while using only its right wing. And the Weeping Guerrero gets a chilly reception, especially when it’s not just he temperature that drops a few degrees.
Formation: L E N A
Music: Do You Love Me
Action: L E N A turns into -1deg. Various bid-like creatures carry on and perform the Do You Love Me bit.
Announcer: There’s only one truly special place where Cougars, Bears, Mustangs, Horned Frogs, Longhorns, and Owls live in peace and harmony. But this fragile ecosystem is threatened by greedy developers with their plans to build 110,000-seat stadiums. They should not ignore the cost of such changes, and remember the thingss they won’t get to see—or hearagain.
Action: MOB walks (or runs, if time is short) off field
Music: Louie, Louie (on sidelines)

Southern Methodist University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
October 10, 1992

Result: W 28—13

THEME… Columbus Quincentennial

Announcer:

Monday is the 500th anniversary of Christopher Columbus’ arrival at the Americas—and you thought it was just another three-day weekend. To honor this event, one Rice Band Day performer will enter the field for each of those 500 years.

Representing 1492…

Representing 1493…

Representing 1494…

MOB: “AAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!”
Action: Performers scream and charge the field…
Formation: 5 0 0
Music: Intro: Conquistador
Announcer: Five hundred years ago, many people thought eh Earth was flat. Of course, they were idiots. Columbus, however, thought the world was round and you could sail straight west to reach India. He was a visionary idiot. Nevertheless, he convinced King Ferdinand and Queen Imelda of Spain to finance his voyage, which they did by selling Imelda’s shoes.
Formation: Crown
Music: Conquistador
Action: Columbus visits Spanish royalty and gets the boot and books and pumps and wing-tips… during song the formation changes to $ M U
Announcer: And so Columbus set out, in his three famous ships, the Ninja, the Pinto, and the Volvo. Unfortunately, there are no logs from the trip because the were on his ill-fated fourth ship, the Yugo, which could not make the entire voyage.
Formation: Waves
Music: Aqualung/Smoke On the Water
Action: Ships sail aimlessly; the Yugo stops and the crew looks under the hood
Announcer: By an amazing coincidence, Columbus sighted the Caribbean Islands on Columbus Day. There was much rejoicing when he went ashore and met the Carib Indians, for they had not seen Europeans since the Vikings left the year before… Their tourist industry was in a slump…
Formation: Island with palm tree
Music: Down On the Corner
Action: The SAs stage the meeting of Chris and the natives with ample demonstrations of supply-side economics…
Announcer: Columbus returned to Spain and became rich and famous, and remained that way until he died poor and unknown. The world would have been a different place without him—our nation’s capital would be called “Washington, D.”; Canada’s westernmost province would be simply “British”; and Juan Valdez would be a man without a country.
Formation: 1 4 9 2
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Epilogue:

Felt weak on the field, but looked quite a bit better on the videotape. Coach Goldsmith came over after pre-game and asked, nicely, if we would please take out all of the book jokes that we’d stuffed into the script. It seems that SMU’s coach was a Rice grad and that the offense involved was a “piddling kind of thing” compared to a Notre Dame player admitting that he had received $5000 from a booster. So we took out all of the book jokes. It sure could have used them…

Best response was for “idiots … visionary idiots”. The props looked great. King Ferdinand dribbling the globe of the earth was hysterical. Something slid down a rope out of the stands, but I don’t know what.

Grade: B-
Attendance: 15k (sure didn’t look like that many)
We won, can’t remember the score.

Rice vs. Texas A&M University

October 17, 1992
Kyle Field — College Station, TX

Result: L 35—9

THEME… “Nightline” The Oprah Winfrey Presidential Debate

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Action: Enter from sideline
Announcer: The 1992 presidential campaign—have the media elite already determined who will be Commander-in-Chief? You bet they have! I’m Ted Kop-out, and this is… “Halftime.”
Formation: V O T E
Music: Nightline (four-measure version)
Action: MOB runs madly for five seconds, then returns to V O T E
Announcer: Unfortunately, the presidential candidates won’t be here on “Halftime” today. Bill Clinton misunderstood the invitation—it was a draft copy. George Bush heard that we were taping in his home state and went to the wrong one. And Ross Perot was pressed into service at the airport. The radar went dead, and they’re using his ears for antenna.
Music: Satisfaction
Action: Well, we could have a confused George, a big-eared Ross, and an overdressed Clinton… I hope…
Announcer: In this corner, the Vice President, and world class speller, Dan Quayle. In the other corner is a U.S. senator and professional tree-hugger, Al Gore. And in the middle is a man with combat experience, retired admiral James Stockdale, who may hear the bell to start the round if he turns up his hearing aid. Remember gentlemen, low blows are encouraged. Now.. go to your corners… and at the bell… come out debating.
Formation: Boxing ring (diamond)
Music: Love Shack (short)
Action: Candidates play Rock-em Sock-em Robots in the middle of the formation, with Stockdale wandering dazedly
Announcer: This election has really gone to the dogs. What the country needs is someone smarter than Quayle. Someone closer to the environment than Gore. Someone whose hearing is better than Stockdale’s. [pause] Our country needs… [pause] Reveille!
Formation: Dog Face (SAs for the nose and eye)
Music: Minnie the Moocher
Action: O.J. sings; SAs roll out the words from the dog’s mouth
Announcer: The media polls indicate that you don’t really like any of the candidates. Our poll says that the man you wan most for our next president is Harry S. Truman. But he’s dead. Next on the list is John Wayne, but he’s dead too. Finally, there’s Elvis, and we’ve found him—he’s right up there
Action: MOB points to a certain location in the stands, causing all of the crowd to stand and gawk
Formation: ? (a question mark and some lines)
Music: Gigolo
Action: What the SAs do during Gigolo is beyond me; the MOB does its usual choreography and finishes the song on the sideline as we sing (to save time)
Announcer: That’s our “Halftime” for today. For all of us at M-O-B News, I’m Ted Kop-out, and remember, vote November third.
Epilogue:

Yow! This one went well. It helps to have a very large and vocal crowd that is willing to laugh out loud when they think something is funny. The strongest response was to the Clinton/draft joke. Probably the weakest was to the Elvis bit. They liked everything else. (The Nightline intro doesn’t count.) They even sang on Moocher and Gigolo. We even finished in time.

Grade: A
Score at halftime: 14-9 (them); final: 35-9.
Attendance: a lot…

Texas Tech University vs. Rice

November 7, 1992
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: W 34—3

Formation: M O B
Announcer: We’ll be right back with the MOB and the Alumni Band after this message…
Formation: M Ω B
Announcer: Did you know that there are only fourteen hundred common equations and constants in physics? With Hooked On Physics you can set those fourteen hundred equations to music, making them easy to learn, and fun too! Just dial 1-880-3-point-14159 for more information about this easy and interesting way to learn. Just call 1-800-3-point-14159 and don’t forget to ask about Hooked on P Chem and Hooked on Diffy-Q.
Music: One O’Clock Jump
Action: Giant blackboard w/ equations, professors force-feeding knowledge into the tops of students’ heads with a drill
Announcer:

NEXT: Drum Major Laureen Hildebrand directs, but first, this word from our sponsor:

Don’t touch that dial—you’ll save and be saved by the Religious Shopping Network. Tired of those nagging feelings of remorse? Well, why not try Guilt-A-Way, the world’s first sin-solvent, now available in aerosol form. To order, just dial 1-900-ABSOLVE. Guilt-A-Way is GUARANTEED to clean away every thing from a delay of game penalty to the overwhelming guilt of mass-murder! Remember, that’s 1-900-ABSOLVE! CALL NOW! Guilt-A-Way aerosol contains no harmful CFCs.

Formation: Chainsaw
Music: Moon Dance
Action: Mass murderers (hockey mask + chainsaw) are sprayed and turn into saints wearing choir robes. Chainsaw props turned over to become bunches of flowers or other sweet, innocent objects. Angel (on rope) ascends into heaven, chain rotates on saw
Announcer:

We’ll be back… with the conclusion of our show, led by former Rice Band Director Bert Roth in a moment.

Did you know that the crust of the earth is in constant motion? Scientists call that motion Plate Tectonics. Can you feel it? NO! And with that motion comes risk to you, your family and your home. Earthquakes, landslides, even volcanoes! In the past all you could do was hope and pray, but now there’s LavaLert—the world’s first Volcano Warning Device. LavaLert uses space-age technology to detect even the smallest flow of molten rock near your home—and emits a piercing tone to warn you and your family. Don’t get toasted—get a LavaLert.

Formation: Texas
Music: 25 or 6 to 4
Action: House w/ smoke detector, volcano. When volcano goes off, family in pajamas come running out of house. Volcano actually engulfs the house, amoeba-style.
Announcer: So, you’ve thought it over, and you’re going to have the lobotomy you’ve always wanted. Well, you’ve come to the right place! At LobeTech our skilled staff can set your mind at ease in a simple, 20 minute, outpatient procedure; and it’s surprisingly affordable. Don’t have second thoughts—have a lobotomy. LobeTech!
Formation: script R i c e
Action: Walk-through lobotomy booth; MOB does the cascading fall from the bottom of the “R” to the end of the “e” with a gong smash at the end, followed by cowbell
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Flee
Epilogue:

Maybe I should have written up the ComaTime™ commercial—this was one of the deadest crowds that I’ve ever experienced—even for homecoming. I actually heard people laughing for Hooked On Physics, but that was about it.

Halftime score: (us); final score: 34-3 (we WON)
Attendance:19,800

Baylor University vs. Rice

November 14, 1992
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: W 34—31

THEME… Arthurian Reprise

Formation: 5 7
Action: The Rice Athletic Association presents The Geriatric Years—When Rice Was Great (At Sports)
Announcer: We are here today to honor blah blah blah Rachel blah blah blah etc. blah
Action: Class of ’57 ushered off field
MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: Once upon a time, in Camelot, life was dull. The Knights of the Round Table had found the Holy Grail. They needed another impossible quest. What could challenge them? This quest for a quest led them many place, including a Waco library, looking for Madonna’s new book.
Formation: Sword in stone
Music: Roundabout
Action: SAs have a round table and some knights. They joust, they sword fight, they do line dances.
Announcer: Arthur sent some knights to find purity, but since they arrived after the eight p.m. curfew, all they could find were unmarried bears and dancing females working on the M.R.S. degrees.
Formation: Pair of feet
Music: Twisting the Night Away
Action: Feet move on letters in songs as SAs in pajamas dance with teddybears
Announcer: One knight, Sir Gallup of Polls, went to Whitehouse-on-Potomac to discover why a rural pig raiser could occupy this nation’s throne. When asked how this could happen, the raiser’s backers said that Clinton’s success was due to his promising change—pocket change—and even if he didn’t inhale, he did stop to smell the Flowers.
Formation: Saxophone
Music: Tush
Action: Clinton-type gets smothered in flowers while other SAs hold musical notes for the saxophone
Announcer: Since the Knights of ’57 used the rest of halftime, the MOB will finish with its impersonation of a modern knight with a quest of his own: [pause] George Rupp.
Action: MOB runs off field
Music: Louie, Louie
Epilogue:

Good crowd response for nearly everything. The Baylor crowd (vocally) liked the Madonna joke. The M.R.S. bit was a little predictable, and the response was weak. The Flowers joke got a good laugh, and the Rice students really liked the Rupp exit. This was the undergrad-written show, with some major mods after Saturday practice to punch it up…

Overall grade: B+

Rice vs. University of Houston

November 28, 1992
Astrodome — Houston, TX

Result: L 61—34

THEME… Radio Talk Show (son of SMU ’91)

Formation: M O B
Music: Turning It Loose tag
Announcer: We interrupt our regularly scheduled halftime show for this special announcement: The MOB has broken with tradition and will now be taking your calls in the press box, yes—you can phone in with your questions… Our lines are open so give us a call at 1-900-THE-MOB.
Music: Old Time Rock and Roll
Formation: Radio
Announcer: Welcome to MOB RADIO. Hello, you’re on the air…
Caller: Hi, I’m a first time caller, long time listener. I was wondering, how does the MOB learn all those intricate formations?
Announcer: Well, it’s not that complicated. We use a system a lot like John Jenkin’s—the director that holds up a big picture of the formation and the band just forms it.
Action: Ken and SAs hold up some large strange picture, MOB scatters to approximate it… {we need a manageably large fluroescent pink or orange triangle for Ken to hold up—it has to be visible}
Caller: Oh, and one more thing—could you play some Huey Lewis?—and I’ll hang up and listen.
Music: Couple Days Off
Action: SAs drag out the boomboxes and boogie till their butts fall off, whereupon they have to CYA
Announcer: Go ahead, you’re on the air.
Caller: Hi, I’m calling from College Station
Announcer: I think you want the Aggie halftime show, but we’ll give it a shot…
Caller: I’ve got these burr-headed critters in khaki marching around my lawn and threatening me with swords every time I step on the grass.
Announcer: Well sir, those are Aggies. You need to spray ’em with S.A.T. 1000 PLUS—that’ll get ride of ’em.
Formation: Roach
Music: I Feel Good
Action: Legs on roach wave around, SA-Aggies march about and brandish aluminum-foil swords. Aggies sprayed with S.A.T. 1000 Plus. Aggies die.
Announcer: This is a test. For the next 60 seconds this station will be conducting a test of the Emergency Marching Band Network. When you hear this warning tone, a catastrophe is approaching and you should take shelter immediately.
Formation: 9 1 1
Music: Cougar Intro
Action: SAs do various rounds of calisthenics equaling the number of points Rice has scored
Announcer: We’ve got time for one last call, go ahead…
Caller: Can you tell me what happened to Rudy Davalos?
Announcer: We can do better than that—we’ll show you…
Action: Flee
Epilogue:

Pretty good. The Rice crowd was probably a more significant percentage of the total than it usually is at home (this was in the dome). We got discernable laughs for just about everything. The Aggie joke got the best response, the Davalos bit got a good laugh too. I think we may have worn out the Cougar Intro bit… I’d give the overall show B to B+ . The band was stuffed full of outsiders to fill out the ranks during the Thanksgiving holiday. [Three generations of Gladus performed.]

Halftime score 31-14 (them); final score 61-34 (them).
Attendance 15K+

Wake Forest University vs. Rice

September 1, 1990
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: W 33—17

Setting: MOB on sidelines; award recipients part-way out from sideline at 50 yardline in their usual, tentative “am I in the right place?” idiom, with someone official-looking to present the awards to them
J. Fred:

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Will you please direct your attention to a very special group of people at midfield. These four represented Rice University, in their own way, at the recent Goodwill games in Seattle. Although they didn’t receive any medals, we believe that they truly merit recognition for their special efforts…

[WATCH FOR RABBIT THEN STOP!] Halsey Taylor, Will Rice ’74, earned a community service award for his invaluable assistance with the alcoholic beverage conspicuous consumption competition…

Natasha Jean Fedeyavitch, Hanszen ’85, provided special translation services for Soviet athletes from the Urals who speak a very rare dialect unlike any other Russian tongue. [stopped here] She also acted as a guide and advisor to the athletes as they learned about many of the aspects of American society.

Action: Nevereadyreg. Rabbit with bass drum squeaks and thumps its way onto the field directly in front of the ongoing Peter… presentation…
Announcer: It’s still going… and going… and going…
Action: Rabbit thumps and squeaks to center of field. It slows down, stops and sags over (maybe falls over – but only if it wind up flat on its back with the drum in the air). There is silence…
Announcer: Is… is he… gone?
Action: Rabbit thumps out the customary eight beats…
Formation: pre-M O B
Music: Louie, Louie
Formation: M O B
Announcer: What happened this summer? Several world leaders visited Rice during the World Economic Summit. The group 2 Live Crew rapped some lyrics that even the MOB wouldn’t do. Rosanne Barr proved that PreGame ain’t over till the fat lady sings and scratches. Arkansas searched for and found greener pastures. And the Longhorns and Aggies visited greener pastures but no one wanted the Aggies.
Formation: Wavies
Music: Wipeout
Scoreboard: Car that putters around as if sightseeing…
Action: Surfing type stuff
Announcer: MEGABORG! It’s the kind of name you’d expect in a disaster movie about a burning supertanker. But it was real. And the oil that didn’t burn formed a huge slick that drifted toward an anxious Texas coastline. The cleanup was seriously slowed because only Whooping Cranes and Kemp’s Ridley Sea Turtles were on hand to absorb the spill. The Coast Guard has since agreed to augment future cleanup operations by importing thousands of experienced Alaskan sea otters in order to make use of the amazing natural ability to absorb oil.
Formation: Boat
Music: Great Balls of Fire
Scoreboard: Otter that gets covered with oil and looks sad
SPECIAL STUNT SPECIES WERE USED FOR THIS SCENE
NO ANIMALS WERE INJURED IN THE MAKING OF THIS SHOW
Action: Prop of supertanker rams boat formation and explodes, and a large, black plastic oil slick spews forth. SAs use push-broonimals to clean up oil-turf
Announcer: For the first time since 1968 the United States called up its military reserves. But they were not the first Americans to mobilize. Even as the Iraqi army marched across the desert into Kuwait, an army of oil company employees marched across America to raise gas prices.
Formation: Gas pump
Music: You Really Got Me Now
Scoreboard: Gas pump with violently escalating prices…
Action: SAs in cardboard cars pull up to gas pumps only to have all their money vacuumed away by greedy Big Oil attendants
Action: Do calisthenics such as push-ups, fumble exercises…
Announcer: In an amazing twist of events, the MOB is not doing its “Annual Salute to the New Coach.” A year ago we played “Why Don’t You Stay,” and Fred Goldsmith did stay. But we can do our First Annual Salute to the New Helmet—Rice’s New Set of Wings. Those wings represent the team’s new winning attitude. A winning attitude that’s contagious. The MOB’s caught it, and we hope you will too.
MOB: drum thing: “Go Rice!” [not done here, Ken missed the cue…]
Announcer: We’re really looking forward to 1990, and our first home conference game, ’cause that’s when we’re gonna beat… U.T.
MOB: drum thing: “Go Rice!”
Formation: 1 9 9 0
Music: Bonnet
Encore: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Epilogue:

Opening went well—”a little long to develop.” Students clapped along with Louie. Laugh for 2 Live Crew, laugh for fat lady, a roar for Aggies. We did get laughs for the otter bit; the SA tanker caught on fire (for real) and they had a little difficulty putting it out. Laughs for gas price. Much cheering for “beat U.T.” line.

A very attentive crowd. They listened. We used our sound system, which sounded a little weak on the field, but people in the upper deck of the press box side said they could hear the script. Free admission for military. Free admission if Rice staff, etc. Free admission for Houston City employees. A lot of people who don’t comprehend the MOB. Ken seemed to like it, and thought the crowd liked it. I’d give it about a “B.” Attendance: ?

Tulane University vs. Rice

September 8, 1990
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 21—10

“Promises”

Announcer: Promise, noun—A declaration that one will do or refrain from doing something specified. [pause] The MOB promises to act like adults from now on.
MOB: screams onto field
Announcer: It’s in the nature of every political campaign for the candidate to make promises. When George Bush made a really important promise he’d say “Read my lips.” We did. His lips said “no new taxes.” That’s not what they’re saying now. But we won’t have to read his lips anymore if he raises taxes: lame ducks have no lips.
Formation: L I P S
Music: Money for Nothing
Formation: [changes to] L I E S
Action: blah blah
Announcer:

Do you believe that at Ford, quality is job one? Is Chevrolet the heartbeat or heartbreak of America? When Lee Iacocca brags “Advantage—Chrysler” he should say: “Advantage—Mitsubishi.” Should we say anything about Yugos, or would that be pushing it? There’s only one slogan that we can really trust:

This is not your father’s Oldsmobile.

Formation: Car
Music: Vehicle
Action: A variety of automotive catastrophes and the wheels turn backwards on the formation and then call off and/or go flat
Announcer: The FSLIC promises that “Your money is safe with us.” Sure it is. How many times has your bank changed names? Now Uncle Sam is trying to pin the trillion-dollar Savings and Loan crisis on someone—anyone—everyone. And here’s how he’s handling the investigation… Who’s to blame for this?
MOB: “He is!” (pointing at each other)
Announcer: Who’s going to pay for it?
MOB: “You are!” (pointing at the crowd)
Announcer: What should we tell Uncle Sam when he asks each and every one of us for five thousand dollars to help bail out the Savings and Loan Industry?
MOB: “The check is in the mail!”
Formation: 5 0 0 0
Music: Everybody’s Everything
Action: The zeroes in the formation go around and the SAs continually re-name a Savings and Loan facility while a gezilcher launches bags of money at it.
Announcer: Weren’t we promised a clean Governor’s race this year? [fight announcer’s voice…] Ladies and Gentlemen… In this corner, at five foot eight and weighing one hundred and thirty pounds, a graduate of Baylor University, with promises of improved social programs, no new taxes and a campaign without mud is the Democrat’s candidate for Governor of the state of Texas: Anne Richards. And in this corner, at six foot one and one hundred and eighty two pounds, with promises of a better business environment, no new taxes and no mudslinging is the Republican candidate for Governor, a graduate of Texas A&M: Clayton Williams. Alright, no clinches, no low blows and no mudslinging. Let’s have some good, clean issues, and come out campaigning at the sound of the bell. [bell clangs]
Formation: Lines
Music: Wild Thing
Action: The candidates simply attack (maybe some good clean MUD) each other in a vigorous and frenetic and (hopefully) bloodless manner for the duration of the song
Announcer: Rice University also has a tradition of promises: At one time they said “We won’t charge tuition.” But that gave way to: “We won’t raise your tuition.” This year they said: “There’s room for everyone who wants to live on campus.” And they’ve always said: “The food is better this year.” Do you believe the Administration any more?
MOB: “No!”
Announcer: No more than you’d believe us if we said: “The MOB will never play Louie, Louie again.” [make them beg for it…]
Formation: R I C E
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Northwestern University vs. Rice

September 22, 1990
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: W 31—14

“A Letter Home…”

Announcer: Dear Mom and Dad,
My roommate gave me a message today—that you called a few weeks ago. Don’t worry about me— I’m having a great time here at Rice. I’ve joined several important student organisations—and, guess what—I was elected equipment handler for Club 13.
MOB: screams onto field…
Announcer: The rooms here are huge and taste fully furnished, and the state-of-the-art climate control makes the weather indoors just like the weather outdoors. Lethal bacteria have taken my roommate hostage, but thy say they’ll accept my laundry as ransom. My room’s not too dirty, though—the University takes out the trash twice a week, and serves it to us three times a day!
Formation: M O M
Music: Hanky Panky
Formation: [during song, changes to] D A D
Announcer: The colleges are all coed and they sponsor lots of recreational activities. There are parties every weekend, but they never have alcohol—at least, not after I get there. Some times—my roommate doesn’t come home at night, but I’m sure that has something to do with bio-chemistry.
Formation: Male/Female biological symbols
Music: Good Lovin’
Action: Formation changes to bed while SAs have pillow fight and purity point meter moves around
Announcer: The food here is great. All-you-can-eat at a great price. It’s cultural, too! Spanish tables, German tables, and Viking tables. All the vegetables are fluorescent colors and make great flashlights. Everyone here is fat and happy, especially the roaches. But I haven’t seen as many squirrels around as there used to be…
Formation: Cockroach
Music: Only the Good Die Young
Action: Roach-on-a-rope dives into a plate of food, legs on cockroach formation move back and forth
Announcer: My academic life is very stimulating. The professors never just lecture and the classes are really small, just like the brochure promised. And there’s nothing quite like the sight of a sun rise over a computer screen. I’ve discovered a great Rice tradition—the all-nighter.
Formation: [[integral]]ex
Music: Day-O
Action: Student gets squashed in a book; others hold integral signs, formation changes to Sunrise
Announcer: I’ve also joined the marching band here at Rice. It’s called the MOB. I was impressed with their elaborate formations and precision marching…
Action: Wild scatter, then back to Sunrise
Announcer: And some times, if the students ask for it—they play this really great song about a kumquat. It goes like this:
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Saunter off field…
Announcer: P.S. If you were going to worry about me, why didn’t you just send me to Baylor?

Rice vs. University of Houston

September 29, 1990
Astrodome — Houston, TX

Result: L 24—22

Formation: J A I L
Announcer: The country—America. Lots of people. Some famous. Some not. What happens when somebody famous commits a deed that society considers naughty? Do they lose prestige?
MOB: “No!”
Announcer: Do they go to jail?
MOB: “No!”
Announcer: You’re right, and that’s where I come in…
Music: Dragnet (Dum-da-dum-dummm)
Announcer: I’m a reporter. I report facts… just the facts.
Music: Dragnet (Dum-da-dum-dum-dahhhh)
Announcer: Summer 1990. Once worth millions, now scorned by millions, Leona Helmsley used to rule New York with an iron fist. But the self-proclaimed Queen of the Hotel Industry was transformed by a simle mistake by her accountant into the Queen of Mean. She asked Neil Bush for a loan, but he was being bailed out himself. Then she asked Clayton Williams for help, but he just had some advice for the inevitable trial: relax and enjoy it.
Formation: S L A P
Music: Big Girls Don’t Cry
Announcer: 6:25 pm, August 12. Zsa Zsa Gabor, one of Hollywood’s bleached-blonde has-beens, created undeserved headlines by slapping a policeman. She was in a bad mood after having learned that her Hollywood Squares contract had been cancelled. Fortunately, this scuffle gave her the one thing she needed to boost her career: top billing in the National Enquirer.
Formation: Handcuffs
Music: I Shot the Sheriff
Announcer: Spring 1990. Donald Trump, once an envied billionaire, is now besieged with financial and moral difficulties. When Marla went public and Ivana told Donald she wanted half, all the cards were on the table. Donald bit two hearts, and Ivana raised him three diamonds, but she was trumped. But Donald found that women can’t be swapped like hotels: when you trade up to a newer model you still have to pay rent on the old one.
Formation: Heart
Music: Can’t Buy Me Love
Action: Formation changes to $
Announcer: Spring 1990. Pete Rose, hero to millions. To his baseball fans he was known as Charlie Hustle, but to the baseball commissioner he was just a hustler. But why bother with titles, when a Rose by any other name would smell as corrupt? And after the FBI caught him betting on everything from he Run for the Roses to the Rose Bowl, he fouled out in court. With the miracles of P-r, we can rest assured that he’ll come out smelling like, well, you know
Formation: Baseball diamond
Music: Gambler
Announcer: Due to jail overcrowding, all of these morally corrupt individuals will receive early release from their prisons. Zsa Zsa now stars in denture commercials, Pete Rose runs a Gambler’s Anonymous chapter, Donald Trum hosts Divorce Court, and Leona Helmsley is foreign relations advisor to Saddam Hussein. So have they paid for their mistakes? You be the judge…

University of Texas at Austin vs. Rice

October 6, 1990
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 26—10

Announcer: Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Dorothy, who lived in Texas on the old Southwest Conference Farm. One day, the Farm was hit by a tornado of greed, and their prize Razorback Pig was swept away to the land of the Wicked Witch of the Southeast, who had pork chops for dinner.
Formation: Map of Texas and Arkansas
Music: Over the Rainbow Intro
Action: A Pig is killed in a ritualistic manner
Announcer: Dorothy heard stories about the riches and the TV coverage of these faraway lands, and left the Farm to find the mythical land of Media and Money.
Formation: Arkansas has fallen off the map, leaving only Texas
Music: Ease On Down the Road (short version)
Action: SAs wave money around, lay yellow ribbon the the West
Announcer: Dorothy tried to take the Farm’s Cougar along with her, but the Cougar was sooooooo scared…
MOB: “How scared was he?”
Announcer: …he was as scared as a kitten on probation. It seems he had a recent battle with some Killer Owls, and that turned him into… The Cowardly Cougar.
Formation: U H
Music: Cougar Intro—Mickey Mouse
Announcer: Then, near College Station, in a manure-covered field, Dorothy found a scarecrow. He had no brain—it would’ve taken five of them just to change a light bulb. The Scarecrow had a pet dog, a long-haired mascot named Dodo who yapped all the time and piddled on everything/u>.
Formation: A + M
Music: If I Only Had A Brain
Announcer: Then, they found an orange-colored Tin Man, drinking oil. He started with just a sip of WD-40… but then came the hard stuff: motor oil, gasoline, West Texas Intermediate. The tin man needed money to support his habit—and the Permanent University Fund was running low.
Formation: U T into Lines
Music: Slide Some Oil To Me
Action: The Big Production Number
Announcer: The four of them decided to head West on the Yellow Brick Interstate 10, to a faraway land of fruits, nuts and flakes. There they found only Witches—a Pac of 10 Witches of the West, who wouldn’t take them because the Scarecrow was too stooopid, and Dodo had piddled away their welcome.
Formation: P A C 1 0
Music: Phantom Tag
Action: Witch Stuff
Announcer: Thinking they had failed, Dorothy and her friends trudged home, where they found a small, private university, one that hosts World Economic Summits. There they met a wise old Wizard named Willy, who showed them that everything they wanted was already here. Willy asked them to stay, and even offered to give the Scarecrow a diploma, but it didn’t work—he already had a B.S. degree.
Formation: Slippers
Music: Stay
Announcer: Although they had nothing to show or their efforts, Dorothy and her friends had learned the most important lesson of all, one that we knew all along: as long as football game attendance meets minimum standards, there’s no place like home.
Formation: Rainbow
Music: Over the Rainbow Finale

Texas Tech University vs. Rice

October 20, 1990
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: W 42—21

“The Mark of Zero”

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Announcer: [Impressive, fast, movie-preview tone] Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen! Tonight, a halftime a halftime extravaganza! The MOB brings you an epic adventure in the grand tradition of “Robin Hood,” “The Three Musketeers,” and “The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service Guide to the Snails and Slugs of the Southwestern United States.” Thrills! Chills! Romance! Fresh Fruit! Hang on to your seats as we present… “The Mark of Zero!”
Formation: 0
Music: Spanish Power (part I)
Action: Formation changes during music to Z. SAs look really, really impressed.
Announcer: [Mexican accent] It is a sad time for our small but inconsequential village of Lubbock de los Muchos Stockyards. The evil tyrant, Don Juan Alfonso Garcia Antonio Diablo Roberto Rodolfo Burrito Taco Tamale Frijole Enchilada, is determined to win for himself a gold medal in the Atlanta Olympics, and forces us to practice all day on the skills we learned in crossing from Old Mexico to America, so that we can be his team in the exciting Olympic sport of Synchronized Swimming.
Formation: Swimming pool
Music: Far From Over
Action: People in swimsuits and Sombreros do Synchronized Swimming Routine while Enchilada and his banditos stand guard with guns
Announcer: But all is not hopeless, for the mysterious champion of the poor and downtrodden known only as El Zero promises to fight the banditos of Don Enchilada to the very end to save us from his tyranny. Today is the semi-annual clearance sale and bullfight, when Enchilada and his men will gather to watch a huge, savage bull with giant razor-sharp horns beat up on a helpless little matador. But unknown to the tyrant, El Zero has plans to change the festivities…
Formation: Bullring
Music: Red Raider Fanfare/Spanish Power (part 2)
Action: A giant bull tramples a helpless matador wile Enchilada and his ugly banditos watch and laugh. Suddenly, El Zero appears. Using his sword and cape he manages to distract the bull, then turns it on the group of bad guys, who are scattered in confusion.
Announcer: It is a joyful day for the village! The mighty Zero has defeated the tyrant, and all the people gather to celebrate his achievement with a grand fiesta! The streets are decorated with flowers, fireworks fill the sky, and the tables are piled high with the traditional feast of Spam Casserole.
Formation: Trumpet
Music: Oye Mi Canto
Action: The streets are decorated with flowers, fireworks fill the sky, and happy people eat Spam Casserole, which causes internal hemorrhaging.
Announcer: But the tyrant Enchilada is not finished yet! Enraged at his humiliating defeat, Enchilada lays a trap for El Zero. He announces a half-price sale on black satin capes, knowing that El Zero will not be able to resist such a bargain. But when El Zero arrives at the village, Enchilada‘s men will be waiting for him…
Formation: Runways
Music: Barber of Seville
Action: Banditos hide behind cardboard village buildings. El Zero, suspecting nothing, rides by on his horse (i.e. with his sidekick clapping coconuts for him). The Banditos attack. Shots ring out. A wildly impressive chase scene occurs. In it, Zero manages by various clever means to wipe out ll the banditos, and the entire village by mistake. It finally comes down to an exciting swordfight between Enchilada and Zero. At the last moment, Enchilada pulls some dastardly, unfair trick or other and El Zero goes down. Enchilada raises his sword to deliver the coup de grace! At that moment the music ends and everything freezes!
Announcer: [Alarmed] Is this the end of El Zero!? Will Don Enchilada‘s reign of terror continue unchecked!? Are the villagers doomed to a life of poverty, misery, and Spam casserole!? To learn the answers to these and other questions, come back in two years for part 2 of our 15-part serial, “The Mark of Zero!”
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
NOTE: DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE

Rice vs. University of Arkansas

November 3, 1990
War Memorial Stadium — Little Rock, AR

Result: W 19—11

Announcer: Return with us now to those thrilling days of yester year when wild hogs roamed freely in the old Southwest. The wagon train of red-and-white Winnebagos made camp in stadium parking lots all across Texas and no one was safe from the marauding horde [and their make-a-wishbone offense].
Formation: S W C
Music: William Tell Overture
Announcer: The Southwest is a pretty strange place with purple frogs, blue ponies and weird orange cows roaming around some of the institutions of higher learning. The orange cows are pretty tough this year and a winning program in the Southwest always catches the eye of the NCAA, who are searching the Austin feedlot for the source of all that beef. But the orange herd swears there’s nothing dirty going on…
Formation: M O O
Music: Pissant
Action: Usual pissant suggestive dancing and the formation changes to “the singing is louder in these” arcs
Announcer: Why did the Aggie try to cross the road? To find a better conference. Did he find one? No—he didn’t even make it to the other side. Deeply confused, he did his little song and dance in the middle of the road for every one to see. The conferences watched politely (for the most part) but, in the end, the Just Said No.
Formation: Tractor
Music: Do You Love Me?
Action: Deeply stupid Aggies do deeply stupid things and the formation changes to N O
Announcer: As we ride off into the sunset we can see that the Old Southwest will be a mite bit smaller, ’cause the Hogs are coming back east for those greener pastures. We’ll miss their strange red hats, the fleet of red and white RVs and that sound they make at football games. But we do have one thing to shout about: you won’t be hogging all the tickets to the conference basketball tournament anymore.
Formation: C I A O
Music: Shout
Action: Usual song and dance

Other thoughts and ideas:

Hog humor: Hog wild
Pig headed
Squeal like a pig, Deliverance! (Oh well, it’s a thought)
…Sow’s ear…

Western things:
Savings and Loan Ranger
There ain’t room in this conference for the two of us…

Who needs diamonds when
There’s gold in that there conference
Being shot in the back

Going to tell you a story about a place with pigs
Poor football team barely kept their fans in red
And then one day they were looking for some
So they loaded up the truck and they moved to SEC

Southern Methodist University vs. Rice

November 10, 1990
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: W 30—28

Homecoming 1990
Announcer:

The MOB—that manic mass of mobile musicians, celebrating its twentieth year of being, well, the MOB, and celebrating the tenth anniversary of the Show Assistants—those carboard cut-out cut-ups who give us the “action” that keeps you wondering just what are they doing… led by thenth anniversary director Dr. Ken Dye, joins us with the fifth anniversary gathering of the Alumni Band to present…

HOMECOMING—NINETEEN NINETY!!!

Action: MOB enters from sideline
Formation: M O B
Music: Big Band Finale (In the Mood)
Announcer: The MOB’s History includes an on-going communication problem with rural conference opponents. If we said something nice like: “We salute the Aggie’s development of an extraordinary hybrid that grows succotash on one plant.” The Aggies would hear: “Blah-blah blah-blah Aggies blah-blah-blah-blah-blah suck blah-blah-blah…” The script may not always come across—but the music carries the show, and here’s out Alumni vocalist, Georgianna Young, to prove it.
Formation: Trombone
Music: Cornet Man (vocal)
Action: Not much action
Announcer:

The MOB has formed a number representing something special to the Rice community. It is:

A) The price of a new sound system for Rice Stadium
B) The proposed minimum attendance figure for Rice to remain in the Southwest Conference
C) The total number of Rice undergraduate degrees conferred&mdashever
D) Next year’s tuition

Formation: 26571(?) the number of all-time Rice undergraduates
Scoreboard: Correct Answer: E—none of the above
Music: Sing Sing Sing
Action: Billions of dollars change hands…
During drum break scatter to
Formation: Drum set
Formation: R I C E
Announcer: The MOB always represents Rice wherever we go.
French Annc: Le MOB a toujours représente l’Université de Rice partout où sommes allés. Maintenant, nousnous préparons à faire faire au drapeau de Rice son voyuage le plus long.
Announcer: Now we’re preparing to carry the Rice banner on our longest road trip ever…
Formation: N I C E
French Annc: Le MOB est invité en France, à Nice pendant les vacances de printemps pour jouer au Carnaval.
Announcer: The MOB has been invited to Nice, France during Spring Break, to perform at Carnaval.
French Annc: Bien [?], ils comprendront notre chanson préférée.
Announcer: We hope that they won’t have trouble understanding our favorite song…
Music: Louie, Louie

Rice vs. Tulane University

September 19, 1989
Louisiana Superdome — New Orleans, LA

Result: L 20—19

“Big Lies”

Announcer: Wait! Don’t leave your seats! The MOB is coming. This halftime show will have more features than the Orange Bowl. You have my word on it, or my name’s not Joe Isuzu.
Music: single snare drum roll…
Announcer: Who is the MOB? The MOB was the Grand Champion of this year’s “Star Search,” opened for The WHO and won the 1988 Pulitzer Prize for Marching Band. We’re the Geometrically Perfect, Grammy award-winning, Rice University Marching Owl Band! The Band is led by Rice’s Nobel Laureate Dr. Ken Dye, and under the field direction of Playboy. Playmate-of-the-Year Mary Beth Gracy.
Formation: M O B
Music: You Can Call Me Al
Announcer: Rice and Tulane are both small, private universities. In fact, every Rice student is here tonight. Small schools believe quality is more important than quantity. But if you wipe out, there’s always a LargeStateUniversity, what we call an L. S. U. There, you can major in food, [pause] Alcoholic Engineering and Elementary Intelligence, and go through life fat, drunk, and stupid.
Formation: Wave
Music: Wipe Out
Announcer: The MOB is a disciplined group of scholar-musicians who managed to avoid the notorious Marching Band Note-Shaving Scandals of the recent past. Yes, the MOB is a paragon of virtue. When school officials expressed concern about the band staying in the French Quarter, were the drinking age is seventeen, the MOBsters voted to go straight to their hotel after the game and study.
MOB: “NO!”
Formation: Tequila bottle
Music: Tequila
Announcer: The people have long expressed their dissatisfaction with the Louisiana State Song. Buddy Roemer, the Governor(,) this week(,) unveiled a new song that reflects the motto of the Sportsman’s Paradise: “Union–Justice–Confidence,” and honors the state’s namesake. Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the new State Song of Louisiana: Louie, Louie.
Formation: L O U I S
Music: Louie, Louie
Announcer: Rice is leading the Southwest Conference. Numero Uno. That’s number one. Swollen with pride, the MOB feels obligated to act as Goodwill Ambassadors to those schools with no wins and no Marching Band of their own. So we’re here to say: if you don’t have a Marching Band, get one! It’s something to shout about.
Formation: “Shout” chevrons
Music: Shout
Action: after “one more time” the MOB exits to a delirious ovation…
Epilogue: We sure sounded good. The Tulane *nouns* brought out a Mardi Gras float of the Green Wave on a trailer and drove it around the perimeter of the stadium during our performance, probably throwing the stupid little plastic footballs. Anyway, it was a distraction. The Superdome sound system was less than wonderful and most of the script was lost in the background. We lost the game.

University of Southwestern Louisiana vs. Rice

September 23, 1989
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 18—3

Action: Tunnel entrance through spirit lines
Announcer: Attention! Attention! Here comes the MOB! Return to your seats! Clear the restrooms! Come back from the concession stand! The halftime is about to begin! The 1989 Marching Owl Band is led by Rice’s Grammy Award winning Dr. Ken Dye, and is under the field direction of Playboy Playmate of the Year Mary Beth Gracy, and I’m your announcer, Joe Isuzu.
Formation: Squiggles
Music: Everybody’s Everything
Announcer: The MOB would like to welcome Fred Goldsmith with our annual salute to the new coach. In his debut as head coach of the Fighting Owls, Fred took the team to first place in the Southwest Conference. We like that. And we hope he’ll stay.
Formation: F R E D
Music: Stay
Action: who knows…
Announcer: [version 1] Holy Toledo sports fans, the baseball season is winding up and the Astros aren’t racing for home—they’re sliding into third. We’d like to take this time to remind you of some other things from baseball’s past:

  • Cy Young
  • Babe Ruth
  • day games
  • grass
  • pitchers that hit
  • Pete Rose

But you can bet that some things will never change. Things like:

  • sign language [pause]
  • spitting [pause]
  • scratching
Formation: Bat and ball
Music: Batman
Action: Bat hits ball
Announcer: Can a basketball team be too HOT for its own good?
MOB: “NO!”
Announcer: Can a basketball court be too HOT for its own team?
MOB: “YES!”
Announcer: Basketball in Autry Court is sooooo hot…
MOB: “How hot is it?”
It’s sooo hot they’ll have to replace the fans with air conditioning.And the hottest fan of all is Basketball Coach Scott Thompson, who’s going to direct the MOB now as an invitation to all of you to come to Midnight Madness on October 15th to help the Basketball Owls get a jump on their season.
Formation: Basketball court
Music: Jump
Action: strangely inappropriate basketball routine
Announcer: And now a message on behalf of Brown and Root for this, the 40th year of Rice Stadium: [Red Duke voice] While other universities have banned the playing of “Louie, Louie” because of troubles with their stadiums, we assure you that Rice Stadium can take any gy-rations and un-due-lations y’all can dish out. Go to it.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Epilogue: Their band ran long. There was an award given at the beginning of halftime. We were running real late. So, by the basketball bit, we were really behind. Then the USL team ran on in front of us (with about 3:30 still left on the clock and their fans cheered loudly, drowning out the script which needed vocal responses from the MOB. We just started playing, without Scott Thompson being introduced. We dropped the entire closing segment and just played Louie Louie, barely exiting the field in time to avoid a penalty. We lost the game.

Abner Doublenflewser

Monday Night Massacre

September 25, 1989
Holiday Inn Crown Plaza — Houston, TX
Announcer: In the beginning there was football. And the Lord said, “I shall divide football games into halves.” And between those halves there was a void, without form or entertainment. So the Lord said, “Let there be Marching Bands!” And it was good. And the years and the bands marched by. A second void formed, in the minds of the fans, for they were bored. And lo, in 1970, there appeared a special group of entertainers to fill this void. The group was called the MOB. And it was great.
Music: Everybody’s Everything
Announcer: The MOB would like to welcome Fred Goldsmith to his new job as Head Coach of the Rice Owls with our annual salute to the new coach. In his debut as head coach of the Fighting Owls, Fred took the team to first place in the Southwest Conference. We like that. And we hope he’ll stay.
Music: Stay
Announcer: News flash! Beep-a-deep-a-deep… An unexplained increase in pilot errors has forced the FAA to send all airline pilots back to school to take a crash course… In an attempt to avoid future lawsuits, extremely unlucky Delta Airlines has changed its slogan to: “DELTA&mdash:LOOK OUT FOR US>” For your safety the MOB suggests that you always obey the stewardess when told to “assume the position.”
Music: Wipe Out
Announcer: Holy Toledo sports fans, the baseball season is winding up and the Astros aren’t racing for home—they’re sliding into third. We’d like to take this time to remind you of some other things from baseball’s past:

  • Cy Young
  • Babe Ruth
  • day games
  • grass
  • pitchers that hit
  • Pete Rose

But you can bet that some things will never change. Things like:

  • sign language [pause]
  • spitting [pause]
  • scratching
Music: Batman
Announcer: The MOB is a disciplined group of scholar-musicians who managed to avoid the notorious Marching Band Note-Shaving Scandals of the recent past. Yes, the MOB is a paragon of virtue. When school officials expressed concern about the MOB doing halftime tonight, at a hotel, where beer and spirits would flow freely, the MOBsters voted to go straight back to Rice after halftime—and study.
MOB: “NO!”
Music: Tequila
Announcer: ATTENTION, ATTENTION, ATTENTION… The MOB is preparing to play the BIG TUNE, please extinguish all fires and return yourselves to the upright and locked position… The show you are about to see contains scenes so graphic
MOB: “How graphic is it?”
Announcer: It’s so graphic that parents are advise to videotape it for children who are not able to see it in person.
Music: Shout
Announcer: Surgeon General’s WARNING: Frequent exposure to the MOB may be hazardous to your health. This product contains unintelligible lyrics which have been determined to cause cancer in laboratory animals and brain damage in party animals. And now a message on behalf of Brown and Root for this, the 40th year of Rice Stadium: [Red Duke voice] While other universities have banned the playing of “Louie, Louie” because of troubles with their stadiums, we assure you that Rice Stadium can take any gy-rations and un-due-lations y’all can dish out. Go to it.
Music: Louie, Louie

Rice vs. University of Texas at Austin

October 7, 1989
Texas Memorial Stadium — Austin, TX

Result: L 31—30

“The Environment”

Announcer: In the beginning, there was the planet Earth, and all of Nature lived in perfect harmony… Then came… Man.
Formation: E A R T H
Music: Also Sprach Zarathustra/2001
Announcer: It was one small planet for a Man, one giant heap for Mankind.
Formation: T R A S H
Music: Phantom
Announcer: WARNING: Tonight’s show contains graphic descriptions which may be too intense for some viewers. Now, strap on your gas masks, as the MOB takes a look at our environment.
MOB: screams and pulls on masks
Announcer: Chicken Little was right… the sky is falling. With the Ozone Layer quickly disappearing, getting a tan will soon be a lot easier, if you don’t mind the genetic mutation. But, after years of research, the EPA has finally found the cause of this damage, and has declared Sorority Row a Hazardous Waste Area for using more hairspray than most Third World countries.
Formation: Frizzy Girl
Music: Hey Baby
Action: Formation changes to real hair…
Announcer: The shrimpers of the Coast are helping to clean up our oceans by getting rid of all those nasty sea turtles. Some folks don’t like that and demand the use of Turtle Excluder Devices. The idea is nothing new—any Longhorn can tell you about the Aggie Excluder Device: the S.A.T.
Formation: Turtle
Music: Wild Thing
Announcer: And now a riddle: How much oil can you spill from one bottle of liquor? For the answer, just ask the captain of the Exxon Valdeez—he gave Alaska its own unique drink: Tanqueray on the rocks. The Federal Government did what it could. When President Bush heard that birds were dying in Alaska, he sent Dan Quayle to investigate. But it didn’t work—he came back.
Formation: Tanker
Music: Tequila – Wipe Out
Announcer: When we were kids, our parents told us to clean up after ourselves. Today we learn… don’t mess with Texas! Whether it’s Love Canal, Prince William Sound, or even the Treaty Oak, the message is still the same: It’s not nice to foul Mother Nature.
Formation: Peace symbol
Music: Joy to the World (with vocal)
Epilogue:

57,000 people. Awesomely loud sound system. MOB played over tail end of “…one giant heap for mankind.” Big reaction for the “sorority row” joke. S.A.T. joke went well. Just about everything but the last joke worked.

We were winning 17 – 10 at halftime. We were leading until 4:55 was left. We lost 31 -30. Whimper…

Texas Christian University vs. Rice

October 14, 1989
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 30—16

“World’s Biggest Lie”

college pranks…

Announcer: The MOB—hot, fresh, and made to order, in conjunction with Whataburger, Z-One-Oh-Seven, and an abridged group of Houston area victims, um, I mean volunteer, presents a look at college pranks. Do not try these pranks at home—they can ruin your reputation.
Action: MOB enters
Announcer: The little Volkswagen Beetle has always found a place on college campuses—usually on the second or third floor. Another prank involving the People’s Car is seeing how many people the car will hold. This other form of cramming may be hazardous to bug and bod alike, and no one, but no one has ever tried to put 300 people in one Bug before…
Formation: Volkswagen
Music: Motown
Action: Wheels turn and fall off…
Announcer: The University plays some pretty good pranks on the students: like college parking and college food. The students do fight back. Free at long last from parental control, you can rely on them to play with thir food. Eating campus food will never be as popular as throwing it. But a food fight doesn’t silence a growling stomach. And the restaurants off-campus will go out of their way for our business.
Formation: Heart
Music: Do You Love Me
Announcer: Many campus pranks have faded into the past. Things like climbing the greased pole, and dragging fish around campus disappeared with the rest of hazing. The largest catapult since the middle ages, the gezilchbomber, was brutally hunted to near-extinction because the art of gezilching demanded expensive destruction. But here within the hedges and inexpensive prank that faded everywhere else with the seventies, continues: Thanks to Club 13, streaking is alive and well at Rice.
Formation: Girl
Music: Twist and Shout
Announcer: The biggest prank that Rice ever played on its Southwest Conference opponents is the MOB… And one of the MOB’s biggest pranks is to just fall on its face…
Action: We all fall down, in a salute to political science… and then we all stand back up…
Announcer: Finally, the MOB’s best prank is this: Everyone thinks that our rendition of a certain mindless, unintelligible, three chord-song is the correct one.
Formation: script M O B
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: All 300 of us flee the field to the wild adulation of the 13 people remaining in the stands…
Epilogue: Less than 100 volunteers showed up for our “World’s Largest MOB.” The crowd was ~ 8000. It was hot. The students sat through the halftime. They didn’t even stand up and scream mindlessly. The Volkswagen prop actually did slide down from the second deck to the turf. We were winning at halftime but not at wholetime. Oh well.

Texas A&M University vs. Rice

October 28, 1989
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 45—7

“NERDS II”

Formation: pre-“NERD” formation
Announcer: Good afternoon and welcome to Geraldo. Today on the program we’ll be taking a look at the number one health threat in the country, the deadly disease causing political controversy and medical confusion as it spreads across college campuses everywhere. I’m speaking, of course, about the disease known as: N.E.R.D.S.
Formation: [snap to] N E R D or N E R D S
Music: Toccata
Action: Medical humans try to research NERDS, but accidentally infect themselves and become NERDS.
Announcer: N.E.R.D.S. is highly contagious and people in high-risk groups, such as engineering majors and band members, should be on the lookout for anyone showing the following symptoms: horn-rimmed glasses, tightly buttoned shirt collars, overstuffed pocket protectors, and excessive overindulgence in multisyllabic utterances — [clears throat hastily] — excuse me, I mean “using lots of big words.” If you encounter anyone you believe to be infected with this disease, avoid all contact! Panic and hysteria are unnecessary, but they will {might} help.
Formation: Horn-rimmed glasses
Music: Soul Man
Action: During script, SA NERDS infect the band. All MOB changes to NERDS—shirts buttoned to the top, hat on backwards, pants pulled up to chin, one shirt tail hanging out, etc.
Announcer:

Once infected with the disease, the victim becomes firmly convinced that he is wildly successful with members of the opposite sex, a delusion made all the more pathetic as you listen to the following tape recording of pickup lines actually used by known NERDS:

[NERD voice] Hey, baby, wanna interface with my peripherals? Hey, if you come back to my place, I’ll show you my software! Hi, my I.Q. is 197, will you go out with me? (NERD laughter)

Formation: Slide rule
Music: Whole Lotta Shakin’
Action: NERD party. Some NERDS attempt to dance with each other. The majority prefer to sit quietly in front of a computer, or play chess with each other. Others do homework that isn’t due until a week from next Tuesday. A lot of them are reading books that are a yard thick, or perhaps trying to dance with them.
Announcer: The NERD’s future is not bright. Unable to relate to his fellow human beings, the victim of this hideous disease is condemned to a lonely, solitary life as a CPA, a computer programmer, or a band director. When {where} the NERD walks, he walks alone… [dramatic pause, then more NERD laughter]
Formation: Something. [Ed.—no clue…]
Music: Gigolo
Action: ? At end of song, don’t bother to scatter; you’re leaving soon anyway.
Announcer: But there is hope. Recent FDA-sponsored research has shown that exposure to a certain song can reduce intelligence by as much as fifty percent, completely eradicating the disease. As a public service to our audience, we will now administer a preventative dose, completely free of charge.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: Next time on Geraldo, we’ll look at the growing problems facing left-handed aboriginal artichoke-harvesters.
NOTE: DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE

Rice vs. Baylor University

November 18, 1989
Floyd Casey Stadium — Waco, TX

Result: W 6—3

Announcer: Since ancient times, a certain art form has been a part of the customs of all known civilizations. Whether it was to appease the local gods, try to make it rain, or get that special someone to think you’re really cool, it’s all called… dancing!
Formation: Record player
Music: Uptight
Announcer: Dancing is not just a human trait; it’s a fundamental part of Nature. Many species of animals perform a unique ritual dance in an attempt to attract a mate. But not all animals exhibit this activity. Because, as we all know, the only dancing bears… are in the circus.
Formation: Feet (or perhaps shoes…)
Music: Rhythm Is Gonna Get Ya
Announcer: There are many styles of dancing, and people’s tastes can vary widely, even within the same family. When Jerry Lee Lewis plays the piano, he can get a room full of people up on their feet. But his cousin, Jimmy Swaggart, prefers a more private place, where he can just sit and watch.
Formation: Girl with moving feet
Music: Your Momma Don’t Dance
Announcer: There are some who think that “undulating suggestively” on the football field entices the audience to all sorts of moral terpitude, such as “bearing all” for Playgirl magazine. Our response is that the MOB dances for only one reason: we do it… for you.
Formation: Lips
Music: Do You Love Me
Action: duck and cover…
Announcer: The MOB also does birthdays, weddings and tent revivals.
Epilogue:

The show was well received. They cheered. They liked the dancing bear joke and really liked the Swaggart joke. The Baylor Band really enjoyed the show, from the sideline.

It wasn’t a pretty game. Not really a defensive battle, more of an incompetent offense battle. But we won. 6-3, and that was the score at halftime.

University of Houston vs. Rice

December 2, 1989
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 64—0

Announcer: It is December 2nd, 1989. Today marks a solemn occasion in Rice athletics: the last MOB show of the Eighties. Unless we go to a bowl game. In tribute to this momentous occasion, the MOB takes a look back now at its roots, to discover the creative forces that spawned it. After countless minutes of research, our crack research team, Ken and Barbie, have rediscovered this fountain of perpetual youth. believe it all began with a mouse.
Music: Eat ‘Em Up/Mickey Mouse
Action: Band plays, the SAs dressed as wabbits and such run/dance out of tunnel with Mickey in the lead.
Announcer: Yes, there’s nothing more American than killing that Saturday morning hangover with cartoons and the Breakfast of Champions: a bowl of Cheerios—and a beer. Speaking of bowls, the MOB thought it would be nice to give the Cougars the only bowl they’ll seas this year.
Formation: B O W L
Music: Flintstones
Action: SAs throw cereal to student section
Announcer:

Wait! Wait, Ken! Ken! We got this special announcement in. [let the band stop] We interrupt this show to make a special announcement: Ladies and Gentlemen, the 1989 Heismann Trophy winner is… …going to be announced later. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. [band resumes]

Born between commercials for Lucky Charms and Gallery Furniture, the soul of the MOB formed around the American institution of old television. Back in the old days, we watched great comedies like Gomer Pyle, I Love Lucy, and live Cougar football.

Formation: Television
Music: Lucy
Announcer: And now the MOB presents our rendition of the classic Warner Brothers cartoon, “Kill Duh Wabbit” in a tribute to those hard-working and impartial game officials that helped the Owls lose to Texas and otherwise made our three-seven-and-one season memorable.
Music: William Tell Intro
Announcer: Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. Weah huntin’ Wefs.
Music: William Tell Overture
Action: Wabbits and ducks get chased by Elmuhs, who chase whichever group’s sign is up (duck season or rabbit season), until it reads REF SEASON, when they all start to chase refs. Ken runs over cardboard ones.
Announcer: The MOB would like to dedicate its last Louie of the eighties to everyone that makes or job a little bit easier. Th SMU football program—Aggies—Dan Quayle—Aggies—Televangelists—Aggies, Aggies. And we’d also like to thank the great city of Houston; and remember, the MOB is available for parties, dances and economic summits.
Formation: 1 9 9 0
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: crawl exhaustedly from the field…
Epilogue: It went well. Peter announced from the sideline again. 45-0 at halftime (64-0 final). The students loved it. Not much reaction from the UH fans, especially for the Heisman bit. Attendance: 35,000.

Indiana University vs. Rice

September 10, 1988
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 41—14

Uniform: Notre Dame t-shirt, shorts
Formation: “Powerful thing”
Announcer:

Ladies and Gentlemen, a moment of silence please in honor of the Texas A&M Football Program.

[NO! TODAY is Pearl Harbor Day!]

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! Because of the Writer’s Guild strike, this halftime newscast is a re-run of things you’ve already seen.

bee-de-de-deep dit-a-dit-deep…

In the news: Dan Quayle in two campaigns: running for office and and advertising the National Guard: they’re looking for a few scared men. Sports up next, but first a glimpse at the weather and the eroding ozone layer…

Summer isn’t quite through with us yet…

Formation: [changes to] M O B
Music: Summertime
Announcer: Now for Bubba with the sports. [with A&M announcer voice] Football is big in Texas, but it’s nothing compared to basketball in Indiana. And it’s the biggest thing at the University of Indiana. In fact, it’s sooooooo big…
MOB: “How big is it?”
Announcer: It’s sooooo big that Bobby Knight has been offered an endowed chair, just as long as it’s nailed to the floor.
Formation: Basketball Court
Music: Big Girls (they don’t cry-y-y)
Action: Bobby Knight bit with rubber chairs for musical chairs
Formation: S E O U L
Music: Olympic Fanfare
Announcer: The U.S. Olympic Team is in Seoul, South Korea, with the help of thousands of individuals and corporations. The Korean culture is quite different from that here, and the Americans were surprised to find that a certain very cool dog was no longer advertising beer, for the difference in cultures and tastes had placed him in great demand as The Official Snack Food™ Of The 1988 Summer Olympics… Go… Spuds… Go…
Music: Soul Man
Announcer:

Much of our nation has suffered a serious drought this year. But with the onset of cooler weather, the rains will fall again. This won’t revive parched crops, but it will mix with the dust to form an election year crop—MUD

Twenty years ago today: Nixon and Humphrey slang mud at each other. Today, Bush and Dukakis sling mud at each other. Twenty years from today, the team of John F. Kennedy Jr. and Pee Wee Herman will sling mud at their opponents, Chuck Norris and Andy Karsner.

formation: bunch o’ lines
Music: Time Warp
Action: Dance to the Time Warp again…
Announcer: And locally, at Rice University, on the evening of April 12th, founder William Marsh Rice sat where he has for decades, watching over Lovett Hall. During the night, a team of students turned him toward Fondren Library and he missed his first sunrise in fifty years. The Administration had him turned back before noon. Poor Willy: couldn’t he get to see just one golden sunset?
Formation: W I L L Y
Music: Rice’s Honor
Action: Statue bit – Willy trotted out and then turned around to finally stand up with cowbell at the end.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

University of Texas at Austin vs. Rice

October 1, 1988
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 20—13

Announcer: “Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn’t know where to find them,
Leave them alone and they’ll come home
Wagging their tails behind them.”
Action: Enter from sidelines or endzones or wherever they let us. SAs hold up sheets with the extra letters “EWE H,” “SM EWE,” and “EWE T” in accordance to the script:
Announcer: They’re not lost, they’ve gone to college. Poor Bo is in deep sheep dip—no sheep, no money. Personal ads don’t help, because sheep can’t read. Where could they have gone? Could it be… EWE-H? No – sheep can’t drive; they have to be driven. Could it be… SM-EWE? No – right now, they’re the black sheep of the Conference. Could it be… [UT].
Formation: E W E
Music: U.T. Intro
Announcer: Naahhhh…
Formation: B A A
Announcer: Bo is nearly broke when she finds a copy of Farmboy magazine in a gutter. She takes a peek, and sees a feature on Livestock of the Southwest Conference, with photos of naked farm animals. Incredibly, Bo sees a picture of her favorite sheep, BaaBaa Ann, shorn of all her wool. Which school does she go to? Why – OF COURSE! [sheepishly] The State Sheep School… [pause] …in College Station.
Formation: [changes to] G I R L
Music: Beach
Action: something interesting, to be sure…
Announcer: Hitching a ride to College Station on a turnip truck, Bo finds BaaBaa Ann and the other sheep. They’re hungry and broke—the grass on campus is sacred and they’re awakened by Reveille on most mornings. Life isn’t all baad, however; thanks to her recent exposure, BaaBaa Ann is one of the most popular creatures on campus, especially with the animal husbandry majors.
Formation: A T M
Music: You Can Call Me Al
Action: Sheep dance
Announcer: BaaBaa Ann raised some money by posing for Farmboy, but the sheep promptly ate it because it’s green. Impoverished, they were impressed into service in the psychology department… where sleep-studies involving sheep jumping over fences were in progress. Unfortunately, jumping sheep excites Aggies.
Formation: Tractor
Music: Do You Love Me?
Action: Sheep hop over fence, do other things
Announcer: Bo saves the day, however, when she points out a potent sleep-aid right on campus—the Aggie Band. The sheep are freed, and Bo and BaaBaa Ann are hailed worldwide. Years later the two are awarded the first Nobel Prize in Livestock for their discovery that cows have bells around their necks because their horns don’t work. As for the MOB, they’re part of the Shepherd School of Music here at Rice, our cowbell works and so do our horns. Go… horns… go…
Formation: M O B
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: To the sound of the cowbell, the MOB rises up and exits the field.

Texas Tech University vs. Rice

October 15, 1988
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 38—36

“Space”

Announcer: Captain’s Log, Stardate 8810.15: The Enterprise has been assigned to historical research, studying the state of Space Exploration in the year 1988. Navigational and time travel coordinates have been laid in, and we are now prepared to go where only Shirley MacLaine has gone before…
Formation: S P A C E
Music: 2001
Announcer: Earth, 1988. We are attempting to enter Earth orbit. But space near the planet is very crowded. Military satellites, communications satellites, military communication satellites, Weather, Astronomy, Televangelism, slicing, dicing, chopping, mashing *gasp* …and that’s not all—over 42,000 Pay-TV channels. Our sensors show that the overcrowding is soooo bad
MOB: “How bad is it?”
Announcer: It’s so bad that UFOs can’t get to the Bermuda Triangle—and Elvis is running out of boats.
Formation: UFO
Music: Close Encounters [into] Star Wars
Action: UFO formation slides back & forth on field, then falls apart. SAs dressed as UFOs dodge past satellite to retrieve boats & deliver them to an Elvis impersonator.
Announcer: Terrestrial space exploration is having problems. A troubled NASA visited New York City’s space experts: the Rockettes, seeking advice about inadequate protective measures and rubber seals that didn’t quite work. The Solid Rockette Booster inquiry left many Rockettes in an unfortunate condition, and they refused to have any further contact with over-eager astronauts…
Formation: Rockette staging
Music: Basin Street
Action: Rockettes dance. Desperate, panting astronauts try to pick them up and get maced or something.
Announcer: USA Today recently published a colorful graph showing that all Government employees, stacked end-to-end, could place satellites in orbit by hand. frustrated NASA executives, seeking new ways of getting up, decided to try it… with results better imagined than described.
Formation: Conga Line
Music: Everybody’s Everything
Action: Conga Line
Announcer: Despite these problems, our research indicates that tere are hopeful signs: The US Space Program has become airborne once again, and if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery then NASA should be very pleased indeed, because now they have America’s Space Shuttle while the Soviet Union has… America’s Space Shuttle. We wish the Soviets the best of luck with their knock-off version, but we’ll stick with our own—since we know it can fly very high indeed.
Formation: Space Shuttle
Music: Stars & Stripes
Action: Gnome-Cart Space Shuttle scurries around the field. Releases balloons from cargo bays.
Announcer: Captain’s Log, final entry: Our research is complete, and the conclusion is obvious: Beam me up Scotty—there’s no intelligent life down here.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all
NOTE: DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE

Rice vs. Texas A&M University

October 22, 1988
Kyle Field — College Station, TX

Result: L 24—10

Announcer: It’s that time again… That strange season, one that occurs only once every four years. The skies grow dark—is it a horde of locusts? No, it’s… flying mud! That droning sound—is it enemy airplanes about to attack? No, it’s… campaign slogans! That awful smell in the air—is it dirty socks? No, it’s… politics! All this can mean only one thing—it’s Presidential Election Season! We hope you’ve put up your storm windows…
Formation: Some generic power formation
Music: Hail to the Chief
Action: The usual set-up of any show
Announcer: The 1988 Presidential Campaign sees candidates trying harder than ever to go after women. Why, just ask Gary Hart. [Rim shot] Women voters become more and more important as the “Gender Gap” grows wide. But which political party will best take advantage of their female members? Many think th Democrats can really beat Bush on this issue. But the Republicans have Dan Quayle. And women love a man in uniform…
Formation: Male/Female symbols
Music: Good Loving
Action: Grab-Fanny
Announcer: As we all know, this has been a campaign of real issues. Even so, it’s nice to know that both candidates will stand behind the American flag. And in front of it. And next to it. And wrapped inside it. Especially in front of the TV cameras. It serves to remind us of what we learned in grade school—that anyone can grow up to be President. The MOB now invites you to stand up with us as e all show that we’re qualified as anyone to run this great country. All you have to do is say the Pledge. [pause] Ready? Begin… [Crowd says Pledge] [as an aside: “See? I told you I could get the to do it!”]
Formation: Flag (use red & white streamers and stars) or U S A
Announcer: All the talk we hear about the federal budget can be very confusing. So, as a public service, the MOB presents this helpful tip. When a candidate says “I will not raise taxes,” it means “I will raise the deficit.” When a candidate says, “I will not raise the deficit,” it means “I will raise taxes.” It’s that simple! And remember, you know where the money comes from. So the next time you hear a politician promise, “No New Taxes” or “Lower The Deficit,” you’ll know what to say.
Formation: I R S
Music: Cotton-Eyed Joe
Action: IRS Screws applied with Reckless Abandon to Unsuspecting Citizens
Announcer: What more can be said about a Presidential campaign whose most wel-known slogan is “We’re in deep doo-doo”? So remember that on November 8, when you walk away from that voting booth, that there’ll be no more flying mud, no more campaign slogans, no more politics. Your months of frustration will be over, for better or worse. And it’ll be enough to make you… shout!
Formation: P A R T Y or S H O U T or Just get the Hell off the Field
Music: Shout
Action: General Uncontrollable Mayhem—get off the field

Rice vs. University of Notre Dame

November 5, 1988
Notre Dame Stadium — Notre Dame, IN

Result: L 54—11
Someone please explain to me why the team with the longest losing streak in the nation was playing #1 Notre Dame…

Pregame

Formation: 40-40 group near one sideline
Announcer: Hi. We’re the MOB. Not the Mafia mob and not a mob of kangaroos, but the MarchingOwlBand. Even “The Marching Owl Band” is a little off because…
MOB: “WE DON’T MARCH!”
Announcer: We’ve travelled a ridiculous distance by bus just, in part, to play the school song, Rice’s Honor. Will you please rise?
Music: Rice’s Honor
MOB: “WE’RE FROM RICE
AIN’T THAT NICE
WHO ARE YOU
DO YOU KNOW?”
Announcer: [introduce Notre Dame song…]
Music: Notre Dame song
Announcer: [introduce the National Anthem, or some such…]
Music: Banner
Announcer: …don’t leave your seats during halftime, you’ll really miss the show…

Halftime

Music: Turning It Loose
Formation: [changes to] M O B
Announcer: Goooood Morning Notre Dame! Campaign ’88: Are you tired of Party Politics?
MOB: “YES!”
Announcer: Tired of Party Propaganda?
MOB: “YES!”
Announcer: Tired of Party Platforms?
MOB: “YES!”
Announcer: Are you tired of parties?
MOB: “NO!”
Announcer: Both political parties have been making empty promises guaranteeing a big return. In fact, the guarantee is sooooo big…
MOB: “How big is it?”
Announcer: It’s so big… it as more hot air than the Miami Hurricane
Music: Everybody’s Everything
Action: Conga Line action during music, gezilcher hurls “mud” and other substances around the field (buses in here?)
Announcer: Finals are coming up and everybody’s studying, but once in awhile you just have to tke a break, raise your tired, bleary eyes and look for some relief. Notre Dame, how do you spell relief?
Gimme a B
Gimme an E
Gimme another E
Gimme an R
What’s that spell?
What?
I can’t hear you…
B
E
E
R
BEER
BEER
BEER
Formation: Spectacles
Music: Twist and Shout
Action: Usual stuff that goes with the song…
Announcer: Football. Miami. Losers. Notre Dame. Number One. Rice. Not Number One. Yet.
Let’s party. Otis – m’man! SHOUT!
Formation: Chevrons
Music: Shout
Action: Usual stuff with the exit during the “One More Time” to howling standing ovation. Crowd refuses to let us leave and second half of game is delayed until MOB can play its entire repertoire
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, the Nationally Famous Rice Marching Owl Band!

Baylor University vs. Rice

November 12, 1988
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 20—10

Homecoming 1988
Announcer:

Greetings sports fans, and welcome to Rice’s –th Homecoming Extravaganza. In honor of our alumni, we bring you a bit of nostalgia as we recall the trends that made college fun.

Can you remember being in the mood to jitterbug? And how was your two-step? Ever go out for an innocent moonlight serenade and get dipped? If so, get off your own seats and join our alumni cheerleaders in this rendition of “Sing, Sing, Sing.”

Formation: D A N C E
Music: Sing, Sing, Sing
Action: Old cheerleaders attempt to dance
Announcer: One reason we love our alumni is that they give us so much inspiring…um…money! Yes, where would we be without the knowledge that someday we too will become alumni with open hearts and overflowing pocketbooks? Someday we too would like to donate a little something to the university, like an indoor stadium or and “R” Room on the 50 yard line. The MOB would like to take this opportunity to thank all of the alumni and other friends of the MOB for supporting our road trip to the Notre Dame game last week. Please welcome some of our benefactors, the Alumni Owl Band! Let’s twist to the sixties!
Formation: Dollar bill, which changes to 6 0
Music: The Twist
Action: Dancers dance the twist. Alumni join the MOB in their formation, or adds an “apostrophe s,” or we hold off until time warp or until the very end, whichever Ken wants. You’re the boss, Ken.
Announcer: The MOB has created a time machine to bring back William Marsh Rice and his good friend Albert Patrick. So Willie, what do you think? [In an OLD voice] “Well, what’ll they think of next? Little wands that make your voice reallll loud. [Taps microphone] Hello everybody!” No, no Willie, I mean about Rice! “I feel like I’ve entered a TIME WARP! Where’s that Patrick fellow? Let’s beam him back to the black plague.”
Formation: Time Warp formation (to be decided). I assume there will be a time-machine like prop by the show assistants with regal old graduates in regalia going in and coming out as coeds in poodle skirts twisting and writhing and seizing. [unknown final form]
Music: Time Warp
Announcer: All together now, you know the words… [words to Rice’s Honor appear on the scoreboard]
Formation: script R i c e
Music: Rice’s Honor
Action: Typical ripple effect through the script like every homecoming…
Ending: Cowbell…

University of North Texas vs. Rice

November 19, 1988
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 33—17

Action: Tubas on field doing baby things in diapers
Announcer: Sugar and spice and everything nice
That’s what little girls are made of.
Toads and snails and puppy dog tails
That’s what little boys are made of.
Dark black shades, big red tongues, and a desire to eat their dead.
That’s what TUBA BABIES are made of.
[G NOTE: Tuba is read: TOO-BA]
Action: MOB enters
Announcer: The MOB has developed its own strain of test Tuba Babies. What are test Tuba Babies, you may ask? Some say that they are trumpet babies on steroids. Others say they are french horn babies from Chernoble [sic]. But to us they are just the bottom of the band.
Formation: T U B A
Music: Born to Be Wild
Announcer:

What are Tuba Babies like? Normally, when Junior gets into trouble a good spanking will suffice/[is enough]. But what do you do when a Tuba Baby blows up your next door [cut “next door”] neighbor’s house, (1) ties up the baby sitter, and [gezilches or flushes] the [cat or hamster]? (2) flushes the cat and eats the babysitter?

[G NOTE: …gezilches the cat and eats the babysitter…]

Needless to say, Tuba Babies leave big messes behind for Mom and Dad to wipe out.

MOB: “PHLLLLLLT!” (Raspberry)
Formation: Smiley face changes to frown
Music: Wipe Out
Announcer:

The only way to passify [sic] these little monsters is to plop them [add “down”] in front of the TV. And what do they watch?

[Mr. Rogers voice] …Hello, boys and girls. Welcome to my neighborhood. Today we are going to learn about pets. My favorite pet is Hermie the Hamster. What is Hermie doing in the microwave? Get away from that dial! Now look, a little balloon. Can you say spontaneous combustion?

I knew you could.

Formation: TV
Music: Pop Goes the Weasel?
Gimme Some Lovin’
Announcer:

When Tuba Babies go to school, they don’t waste their time with whoopie cushions and/[or] centerfolds on the movie screen. They go for the gusto. They may reassemble a Volkswagen in the Principle’s office, [cut this…] fill the halls with Gilette super foamy, tie dye the astroturf in the stadium, … or simply/[just] turn statues around.

While regular babies study reading, writing, and arithmetic, Tuba Babies study the history of the baseline, clapping for credit, and SPECTRAL INVARIANCE IN DIFFERENTIABLE RIMMANIAN MANIFOLDS IN EUCLYDIAN N-SPACE.

Formation: [unknown]
Music: School
Announcer: What happens to Tuba Babies when they grow up? Do they become a menace to society?
MOB: “NO!”
Announcer: Do they run for office?
MOB: “NO!”
Announcer: Do they write cheezy romance novels?
MOB: “NO!”
Announcer: NO. They go to Rice and play in the MOB. Because there’s just one song that doesn’t start out right without the tubas, baby.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Rice vs. University of Houston

November 26, 1988
Astrodome — Houston, TX

Result: L 45—14

Announcer: ‘Twas the end of the season, and all through the Dome
Not a creature was stirring, for most had stayed home;
The MOB had arrived with a show and some song
and hopes that the first half would end before long.

The sportscasters only show highlights, it’s true,
And visions of MOBsters are seldom and few;
This show’s about dangerous toys—not for play
So just settle back and we’ll blow you away.
Formation: M O B
Music: Turning It Loose
Announcer: God rest ye merry gentlemen,
With lawn darts you have played.
Your children could recover soon—
It should be by next May.
The wounds will heal,
The scars will fade,
The doctors will be paid.
And the lawsuits will dra – ag on for years,
[optional… drag-on for years,
And the lawsuits will dra – ag on for years.]
Formation: Target
Music: Only the Good Die Young
Announcer: […Jingle Bells…]
Plastic bags, plastic bags
Wear ’em on your head!
Dance around. You look so cute,
Until you fall down dead.

Plastic bags, Plastic bags
You are not a toy.
Gagging as you suffocate
Will add to Christmas joy!
Formation: B A G
Music: Twist and Shout
Action: B A G changes to G A G
Announcer: O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
How crispy are your branches.

When you were cut, you missed your turn;
No forest fire; you didn’t burn.
O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
We fill you with ‘lectricity.

O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
Electric are your branches.

We plug you in, and then we fry;
The Underwater’s Lab will sigh.
O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
How deadly are your branches.
Formation: Christmas Tree
Music: Sing, Sing, Sing
Announcer: And, in the Southwest Conference, money is the most dangerous toy of all:

[to “We Three Kings”]
We three backs from A and M are
Taking money sent from afar,
Sent by boosters,
We’re no losers,
Soon they’ll buy me a car.

So goodnight to Timmy, we know you are here—
Survivor of Lawn Darts and Glad Wrap so clear;
For you we play Louie, and quote without fright,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a safe night.”
Formation: M O B
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

THANKSGIVING LEFTOVERS…

The audience looked to the sidelines with care,
The audience looked to the sidelines with hope,
For a glimpse of the MOB
In hopes that the MOB could provide better fare;
boredom…cope
The sportscasters only show highlights it’s true,
At halftime the network shows highlights it’s true,
While visions of MOBsters are seldom and few;
This show’s about toys that can hurt those who play
The rest will see pictures, you’ll get it today
So just settle right back and we’ll blow you away

The lawn dart will put out your eye. Lawyers will arrive before the ambulance. The settlement was so
big… a toy meant to improve hand-eye coordination and aerate your lawn at the same time.
javelin catching—an exhibition sport at the ’92 Olympics. Call 911.
Or you’ll catch that lawn dart square in the eye

The MOB, like a plastic bag is not a toy. It’s just a wrapper, and can be hazardous in all other applications…

The pads worn by the players work the same way – they protect the product underneath, but can be incredibly hazardous when used improperly. What other toy encourages 250 pound people to run straight into each other while running full tilt/speed?

This MOB is not a toy. Incorrect use can stick to your face causing possible suffocation and brain damage… but, then again, getting the wrong idea about one of our shows is usually the result of a suffocated funny bone and Aggie-like brain damage.

The bag is meant as protection for the contents ONLY. Whether the contents are freshly cleaned clothing, toys, or bills in large denominations meant as hush-money, the bag can’t hurt you until the contents are out in the open

Idea: Christmas Tree – already wilting, electricity
You’re only green from someone’s spray,
And you’ve been dead three months today;
O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree
With painted leaves unchanging.

The Underwriter’s Lab will sigh…
As lots of people twitch and fry
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
How deadly are your branches.

Each year you bring to me delight
Burning in the Christmas night.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Of all the trees most deadly.

The power companies really like Christmas for the incredible bills that it runs up powering the vast array of decorations. The Underwriter’s Laboratory reminds you not to wire your Christmas tree unwisely.

When that tree gets dry and you continue to pump electrons over it through verrrry thin wires…

Should get a fire extinguisher for Christmas.

At no other time do you amass a huge pile of flammable material beneath a dead tree and pump electricity around it through verrrry thin wires.

Idea: Closing… Louie… Timmy
We three backs from A and M are
pocketing money sent from afar
sent by boosters,
we’re no losers
soon they’ll buy me a car

So to our fan Timmy, we know you are here…
Don’t ever play football just sit back and cheer
For the money they offer’s a dangerous toy…

Away in a huddle
At A-A and M
The players are groaning:
“We’re out on a limb.
Now Jackie’s discovered –
Our money is gone.
While out on probation
We’ll just mow the lawn.”

Lamar University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 5, 1987

Result: W 30—34

Announcer: Before we begin tonight’s show, we’d like everyone to please rise as we honor the memory of those who, since last year, are no longer with us: Fred Akers, Joan Collins’ marriage, the Shamrock Hilton, the Lamar University band, Dr. Robert Jones, and a beer for the road. May they rest in peace. [long pause]
Oh… Wait… [pause] and SMU football. You may be seated.
Action: SAs roll Randolph out on a gurney, covered in medical type garb to mid-field. Also have enormous DieHard battery there with equally enormous, and obvious, defibrillator paddles connected to the battery by huge wires (air-compressor coiled hoses). Somehow, we provide typical EKG/heart rate monitor “beeping” noises, with a prolonged “beeeeeeep” indicating no beat. Tubas are standing around the body, looking concerned and anxious, like worried family members. Drums are out on the field too.
Scoreboard: EKG trace
Announcer: Dateline: Houston. Home of the famous Texas Medical Center — where hearts that have stopped are routinely restarted every day. We’re their neighbor, Rice University. And here before you tonight the MOB will attempt a far more difficult feat: to resuscitate the apathetic Rice student body.
Action: With pronounced de-fib action, the SAs attempt to get the season jump started. On the third of fourth try, Randolph’s arm rises up from the gurney with the COWBELL, firmly grasped, to start Louie, Louie.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: MOB enters field from tunnel
Announcer: Politics makes for strange bedfellows. PTL head Jim Bakker showed that even strange evangelists can bed their fellows. Payments of hush money and Tammy’s blush money drove his ministry into bankruptcy, and now Bakker finds himself in the air-conditioned doghouse. Reduced to shopping at K-Mart, Jim and Tammy found out that the wage of sin is DEBT.
Formation: PTL [changes during music to] $$
Music: Shakedown
Formation: Blob with a palm tree and a Nicaraguan flag
Announcer: This is Nicaragua, home of the Contras. As you may have heard, someone in Reagan’s camp sent the Contras money.
MOB: [scatters]
Announcer: Congress wanted to find out who it was, and pointed toward a very magnetic North, but they couldn’t find a shred of evidence against him. The press Fawned all over him, and even though we lost our soaps, it was all good clean fun. However, as his popularity grew, so did his nose…
Formation: Profile of a face with a nose that grows
Music: La BAMBA
Announcer: Tonight marks the opening of Rice’s football season, but it’s always open season in politics. Gary Hart was the Democratic front runner for president until he engaged in a little bit of Monkey Business. The man who couldn’t remember his last name, his age, or where he slept the night before will never forget what the Owls’ gridiron opponents will learn this year: Don’t mess with Rice.
Formation: HART
Music: Gimme Some Lovin’
Formation: RICE
Announcer: The Beach… Suntans… Summer… Over… Classes… eight o’clocks… Diffy-Q… eight-o’clock-Diffy-Q… Dinner… Joyce?… Alka-Seltzer… Pizza… Aaahhhh… Football… The MOB… Party… Toga… Otis… M’Man… SHOUT!
Formation: Shout routine formation
Music: Shout
Action: Bonnet off the field

Rice vs. University of Texas at Austin

Texas Memorial Stadium — Austin, TX
October 3, 1987

Result: L 26—45

Action: MOB enters from all sides into a scatter
Announcer: Once upon a time, there was a college athletic conference. But this conference had a problem. It had BIDS: Booster Immune Deficiency Syndrome — the great crippler of college football. Help was desperately needed, but where would it come from? The Centers for Disease Control?
MOB: “NO!”
Announcer: The FBI?
MOB: “NO!”
Announcer: Then who?
Formation: [On whistle, snap to] N C A A
Announcer: Uh-oh… It was worse than anyone imagined.
Music: 007
Action: Spy/detective types discover/uncover money and car keys changing hands
Announcer: It all started in the most unlikely of places: a school that was so nice that it lost most of its football games, just to make the other teams happy.
Formation: F R O G
Music: William Tell Intro
Action: Football players dressed as TCU people (purple) gracefully take a snap and then graciously hand the ball over to the opposing type team members (who are dressed in our Rice jerseys). The Rice person then runs viciously for the endzone
Announcer: But then, tragedy struck. For the first time in 19 years, they went to a bowl game. Was their immunity deficient? The coach called a team meeting and asked all those infected with BIDS to step forward.
MOB: “Me! Me!” The entire MOB moves forward, hands raised, into a loose concert formation
Announcer: It was unbelieeeeeeeeeeeevable. From there, the condition spread. In the mud huts of Panhandle U, they lost three scholarships. THE University lost five, forcing the coach to flee to the Greener Acres of Purdue. And at the state farm and sheep school, their star quarterback had it soooooo bad…
MOB: “How bad was it?”
Announcer: …he had to turn pro and take a pay cut. [pause] There was one other school, but there’s no point in beating a dead horse.
Formation: Car
Music: Can’t Buy Me Love
Action: Flagpoles with conference flags, starting with Rice. The Rice flag goes all the way to the top, but each one after that falls short, with SMU at half-mast. “P” flags flying beneath the school flag denote probation (with “skull and crossbones” under the SMU flag). The flags are stiffened, so that they are readable even in the absence of a breeze.
Announcer: The state legislature was in a panic. Who could lead them out of this crisis? Well, the Governor had experience in these matters. Unfortunately it was the wrong kind of experience. So it was obvious there could be no help from executive Clements-y.
Formation: $ B I L L
Music: Gigolo
Action: Governor-type person stands on a soapbox-like platform and lectures to the crowd of football players while holding out money to them.
Announcer: But there was hope. One small, private school has shown no symptoms at all. Could they have the answer? Well, that school was looking forward to stompin their now-depleted foes into the ground, but, being good sports, they’ve decided to help: By using their so-called marching band to administer a series of booster shots to show that college football can be just plain fun again. Now hold still and take your medicine.
Formation: Syringe
Music: Twist and Shout
Action: Plunger in syringe moves, with the usual party-type stuff associated with the song. MOB bows and scatters off field.

Texas Christian University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
October 10, 1987

Result: L 30—16

Announcer:

goodeveningladiesandgentlemenandwelcometoricestadiumwellhereitsthenineteeneightiesandmostofthemusicweheartodayispreprogrammedelectronicdiscowerarelygetthechancetohearamasterbluesbandpracticetheircraftbytheyeartwothousandandsixthemusictodayknownastheblueswillbefoundonlyintheclassicalrecordsectionofyourlocalpubliclibrarysonowwhilewestillcanletusintroducethebluesbandofsouthmainthebluesowlband

Action: Does it really have to be explained?
Formation: Band runs out in four parts to M O B
Music: Turning It Loose
Announcer: The United States is at a crossroads. Our foreign policy is getting blown to pieces, while our domestic policy is falling apart. The national debt is going up, while the space program… isn’t. What does America do in times like these? Why, look back to the good old days! And so, the MOB presents our list of the best Anniversaries for 1987! One very famous document has guided the lives of all Americans. Liberals hate some parts of it, while conservatives hate the rest. Yes, the Constitution is 200 years old — and faces yet another challenge. The new Supreme Court nominee will test whether the Constitution’s Bork is worse than its bite.
Formation: Liberty Bell (crack and all)
Music: Liberty Bell March (Monty Python)
Action: Judge types in robes get rounded up and tied down…
Announcer: Not all anniversaries are happy ones. For it was ten years ago that we lost… Elvis. Yes, The King is gone — or is he? Could he be living on his own South Pacific island? Could he be his own South Pacific island? Or is his brain being held hostage by evil aliens from the planet Zort? Enquiring minds want to know! [sic]
MOB: “I want to know!”
Formation: Guitar
Music: Jailhouse Rock
Action: Elvis impersonators have a field day… film at 11.
Announcer: Hey, kids! When you came home from a long day at school, where a math class looks like nap time, P.E. looks like boot camp, and the girl flirting with you looks like Jabba the Hutt, what’s the first thing you do? Why, reach for a Golden Anniversary can of Spam[reg.], of course!
MOB: MMMMMMMMMM…
Announcer: Spam[reg.] has been America’s favorite after-school snack since 1937. So accept no imitations. Reach for the taste that will stick with you for days. Reach for Spam[reg.] — because it’s canned meat, and it’s fifty years old.
Formation: S P A M
Music: Everyone is Everything
Action: Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam…
Announcer: But there is one anniversary that stands out from all the rest. It’s the septuaquinquennial!
MOB: “What?”
Announcer: The demisesquicentennial!
MOB: “What?”
Announcer: Rice is 75 years old!
MOB: “Oh…”
Announcer: And even after three quarters of a century, Rice students are still active, happy people… when given the correct stimulant. Watch as we shut the students’ brains off!
Formation: R I C E
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Oh, there’s a certain university… where the students are trained by Pavlov… when they hear a certain song, they just drool right on along, like their brains have just been hacked off…
Action: Beat a hasty retreat…

Southern Methodist University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 13, 1986

Result: W 14—28

“Ruthless People”

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight the MOB will present a hard-hitting look at some of the most cruel, vicious, heartless, and even rude people around — the originalRuthless People.” But, before we begin we must warn you that our show contains descriptions of various acts soooo graphic
MOB: “How graphic are they?”
Announcer: …They’re so graphic that Edwin Meese put 15 pages about the MOB in his new book.
Action: MOB enters field
Music: 007 (James Bond Theme)
Announcer:

The antics of Colonel Moammar Gadhafi have outraged the entire world, except maybe non-European travel agencies. While sponsoring international terrorism, he drew a line of death and then double dared the United States to cross it. But, the Mad Dog of the Middle East was BARKING up the wrong tree.

He should have known that nobody double dares the Gipper … uh … I mean, nobody double dares the United States and gets away with it!

Formation: L I B Y A
Music: Danger Zone
Action: Aircraft stage a dogfight on the field
Announcer: Recent Houston budget problems showed us the ruthlessKathy Whitmire. To save money, she canned some garbage collectors and refused to listen to the complaints of the others — so, they walked out. Some concerned Houstonians pitched in to pick up solid waste. A group that’s usually slinging it at each other: the City Council.
Formation: Garbage truck
Music: Ease on Down the Road
Action: The Show Assistants trash the field, with the Mayor in a human-drawn trash-chariot
Music: Theme from JAWS
Action: MOB sneaks into a pre-formation
Announcer: Tax reform used to be like the weather — everyone talked about it but no one ever did anything. Congress finally did something. They produced a tax reform bill that handles tax problems simply — the taxpayer simply gets screwed. [pause] Once again, John Q. Public will have to face the ruthless American agency that even Gadhafi fears — the IRS.
Formation: [snap to] I R S
Music: Money for Nothing
Action: IRS agents holding giant screws run after taxpayers.
Formation: During song, band changes to 1 0 4 0
Action: MOB cleans up its act and goes to next formation
Announcer: Another ruthless Houstonian slings tr- … uh … hash for the Rice Food Service. Students have been eating Joyce’s “food” for years. To keep the student body healthy, a computer system reads IDs to prevent ODs on things like baked fish, meat loaf, brisket, pork chops teriyaki, roast beast au shoes, twice baked potatoes, radioactive meatballs, chicken p’sketti, hydraulic turkey and hydraulic ham, pepperoni lasagna, spinach quiche, hockey pucks, and any of the infinite-hang-time desserts. Rice students will have to continue to PASS on meals, and anyone looking for good food will have to TRY AGAIN.
Formation: script Rice
Action: MOBsters fall dead, graphically, one by one, in domino effect, with a gong smash at the end of “e” in “Rice”
Announcer: But on the Rice campus, even food-service victims are resurrected by the lilting strains of one particular song…
Action: One by one, MOBsters return to life playing
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

Texas State University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 20, 1986

Result: L 31—6

“Alcohol”

Announcer: WARNING: The show you are about to see contains some material which Texas, as of September 1st, considers unsuitable for consumption by those under 21 years of age. The new drinking age has even affected the MOB. Those younger than 21 can no longer play “Louie, Louie,” but they can still listen and enjoy the new “Louie, Louie Lite.”
Music: [Very small MOB] Louie, Louie
Action: Brass then joins from sideline
Announcer: New sources for alcohol will have to be discovered. One of them will be our neighbor to the south, Mexico. A place where everyone drinks beer and tequila, because it’s the only safe thing to drink. The visitors who don’t are soon forced to learn the Aztec Twostep.
Formation: Cockroach
Music: Tequila
Action: Mexican Hat Dance-type routine
Announcer: Have you ever tried to score without alcohol? Even with a drill team it can be difficult. These performers are famous for their desire to have a good time after the countless hours of exercise and practice needed to attain physical perfection. And now, the MOB proudly presents — the Completely Alcohol-Free Show Girls: the South Main Udders!
Formation: Unknown squiggle
Music: Easy Lover
Action: Strange drill-team routine
Announcer: The lack of alcohol in Texas will drive many people to drink… they’ll drive all the way to Louisiana. The home of Bourbon Street, the state has long attracted alcohol enthusiasts. Louisiana is SO proud of its low drinking age…
MOB: “How proud is it?”
Announcer: So proud, they “now” call themselves “The State of Intoxication.”
Formation: Fleur-de-lis
Music: Sing, Sing, Sing
Announcer: It’s sobering to think that at 18 you can be tapped for the draft, but you can’t have draught from the tap. Here at Rice, the change in the drinking age brings additional meaning to the term coherent minor. TGs will all be dry, and the bartenders in Willy’s Pub will sing along with the Maytag repairman about loneliness…
Music: Gigolo

University of Texas at Austin vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
October 4, 1986

Result: L 17—14

“The Oil Slump”

Announcer: For its first 150 years, Texas was on top of the world. Life was good in the Lone Star State, and many thought the prosperity, like Darrell Royal, would last forever…
Formation: Oil derrick and oil pump
Music: Celebration
Action: Texas-type prosperity and fun
Announcer: Then came Akers… and acres of trouble. A calamity so frightening that it made children scream, women swoon, and grown men pass out naked in the back yard. For the first time, Texas faced the unthinkable: lots of oil — and no money. The worst depression since the closing of the Chicken Ranch.
Music: Texas Has a Whorehouse In It! [first phrase]
Announcer: [In rhythm with music] Texas has a deficit in it!
Music: Pissant
Action: The “pissant” routine
Announcer: The State Legislature was called into special session to solve our money problems. They answered the big questions as only they can: Who’s to blame for this?
MOB: “HE IS!” [point at each other]
Announcer: Who’s going to pay
MOB: “YOU ARE!” [point at crowd]
Announcer: In this way the legislature passed many bills — on to you. In searching for a quick fix, Gib Lewis, Speaker of the Texas House, announced that he has found — within the state — an enormous — untapped — pool — of pure money: … the Permanent University Fund.
Formation: [snap to] U T
Announcer: But you were not amused.
Music: Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2
Action: Hooded figure of Death uses scythe to destroy school-type objects. Cap-and-gown clad beings attack and kill Death.
Announcer: The problem of finding a source of money remained. The Aggies thought they had the answer when they planted a stick and dollar bill into the ground, and watched hopefully. But no one had the heart to tell them that money doesn’t grow on trees.
Formation: Racetrack
Announcer: The Legislature thinks a dog and pony show can raise money. Horse racing may be a gamble, but it’s a safe bet that the State Government has already gone to the dogs.
Music: Racetrack Fanfare, then William Tell [first phrase]
Announcer: [Loudly, in style of Elmer J. Fudd] Be vewwy, vewwy quiet — we’ah hunting wabbits!
Music: William Tell [continued]
Action: Various stuffed characters chase Playboy Bunnies around the track. MOB bows to audience after music.
Announcer: The federal government has a great way to make money: they print it. They tend to get somewhat upset when someone else tries this. The MOB offers a simple solution that lets us roll our own: SECEDE. Yeah, that’s the ticket… Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the new National Anthem of Texas.
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: MOB boogies off field during song to sideline.

Texas Tech University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
October 18, 1986

Result: L 49—21

Announcer: Attention! Attention! Attention!
On behalf of Rice University, we would like to thank you for attending today’s double attraction of sports and music. The best of Southwest Conference Football will continue after we present what you really came here to see and hear. Ladies and gentlemen, the group that has entertained thousands with their musical talent and gift for fun. Let’s have a warm welcome for the amazing audio and vividvibrantvisceralvisual sensation, (just beginning their concert tour here in Rice Stadium)… THE MOB.
Action: Enter from fringes of field. When settled, drums start “Go Rice!” cheer
Formation: Lines
Music: Surf
Formation: M O B
Announcer: Glen Miller, Benny Goodman, and Count Basie were the big names in the big bands of the past, but today one of the biggest names of a truly BIG band is The Goin’ Band From Raiderland. This band is big. It’s verrry big. It’s soooo big…
MOB: “How big is it?”
Announcer: It’s soooo big it couldn’t afford the bus fare to Houston… [drum lick] …And here’s the MOB!
Formation: Trombone
Music: Corner Pocket
Action: The trombone’s slide extends and retracts
Action: During following script, MOBsters fall asleep one by one
Announcer: Our next selection is by Giacchimo Antonio Rossini; born in 1792 and died in 1868. A Deutsche-Grammaphone recording of his Overture from the opera The Barber of Seville, Opus 17. The full opera was first performed on February 20, 1816, to poor reviews, and has not been heard from since…
MOB: “Get on with it!”
Announcer: The overture’s popularity in America is due solely to the efforts of cartoon opera star Bugs Bunny. Today we hear the overture performed by the Symphonic Owl Band of Rice University, under the (mis)direction of Maestro Kenneth Dye. [pause] Also available on compact disc.
Formation: Music staff with an eighth note
Music: Barber of Seville
Action: The eighth note changes to a treble clef with notes running about
Announcer: The new wave of morality in America has shown a concern for the possible link between rock music and devil worship. The MOB will leave no stone unrolled in its efforts to prove that it’s not a band to show sympathy for the devil. Naturally, the MOB only performs songs with simple words… [pause] or nothing intelligible at all… [eight cowbell beats]
Ed. — This would normally begin Louie, Louie
.
Sorrrry, just teasing…
Formation: Guitar
Music: Jumpin’ Jack Flash
Action: Rock-musician-types leap from speaker boxes
Formation: Squiggles
Announcer: If you think you’re good and ready, we’ll go on. [MOB waves] Knock! Knock!
MOB: “Who’s there?”
Announcer: James.
MOB: “James who?”
Announcer: NO… James Watt. [MOB cringes in fear] remember him? He thought that certain performers could attract an undesirable element… [pause] an undesirable element like
MOB: “Them!” [points at Rally Club in stands]
Announcer: To prevent any such problems here, the University has plans to initiate a drug-testing program for anyone engaged in extra-curricular activities, including the athletic teams, the cheerleaders, and the MOBThe MOB! Uh-oh…
MOB: [Screams in abject terror while cringing even more]
Vocalist: Now waaaaaaaitt a minute… [vocalist continues]
Music: Shout!
Action: The squiggles change to straight lines
Announcer: This is a test. For the next 100 seconds this band will conduct a test of the First Ever in Rice Stadium After Game Concert’s About To Begin Warning System. This band, in voluntary cooperation with University officials, is conducting this test in order to provide you with a fair warning that the Beach Boys post-game concert is about to begin. When you hear this tune after the game, please get comfortable for the beginning of the concert. This is only a test…
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all.

Rice vs. Texas A&M University

Kyle Field — College Station, TX
October 25, 1986

Result: L 10—45

“The Immigrants”

Announcer: 1986 marks the one-hundredth anniversary of the Statue of Liberty. The MOB would like to mark this occasion by honoring those who have formed the basis of our society — the immigrants. Let’s now pay tribute to the “huddled masses of wretched refuse from teeming shores.”
Formation: 1 0 0
Music: I Want to Live in America
Action: Usual immigrant show opening
Announcer: The choice to leave one’s native land can be very difficult. Then again, sometimes it’s very easy. Take Libya… please! Colonel Moammar Gadhafi wanted to make life as hard for American tourists as he does for the Libyan people. When push came to shove, however, the U.S. showed that Gadhafi’s defense was about as good as the Longhorns’. And for all his boasting, Gadhafi, like Edwin Simmons, found himself caught with his pants down.
Formation: L I B Y A
Music: P.A.
Action: American aircraft beat the hell out of Libyan aircraft painted in orange and white
Announcer: The MOB would like to recognize a very special group of immigrants. These people have let nothing stop them in their pursuit of the American Dream. Against all odds, they have dodged all obstacles, including the Immigration Service, in their persistence to live and work in America — the land of the free and second home to some of the best synchronized swimmers south of the Rio Grande.
Formation: Outline of Texas
Music: Far From Over
Action: SAs positioned on the Mexican side of the field do a synchronized swimming routine and try to cross the Rio Grande at the same time
Announcer: Two hundred years ago, the Yankees threw the British off this land. Twenty years ago, we welcomed them back with open arms. The British came with guitars instead of grenades, and groups like The Beatles changed the sound of American music forever. Today, the British Invasion is alive and well, even where the munitions still outnumber the musicians.
Formation: “Shout!” formation
Music: Twist and Shout
Action: “Twist and Shout” kind of action
Announcer: We are a nation of immigrants, brought here by the wealth of opportunity offered by this land, where people of all races, creeds, colors … and Aggies flourish with the blessings of Liberty. It is these things which first made our land great, and those who followed Lady Liberty’s beacon have kept it great. Please rise as the MOB honors our country.
Formation: Pregame shield
Music: This Is My Country
Action Exeunt all to a standing ovation

Baylor University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
November 15, 1986 — Homecoming

Result: L 23—17

“Evolution”

MOB: “Go Rice!”
Formation: M O B
Music: Turning It Loose
Announcer: Many scientists believe that the MOB evolved from primitive ape-like beings, although most believe that primitive ape-like beings evolved from the MOB. Creationists believe that the MOB simply appeared in December of 1971. For Homecoming, we will set this misconception to rest as we go back to the very beginning, to examine the Evolution of the MOB

Billions and billions of years ago, the Earth was a molten mass. Slowly the Earth cooled…
MOB: “Get on with it!”
Announcer: Oh all right — we won’t go that far back. The origins of the MOB really began about five million years ago, when primitive hominids first learned the secret of Rock music
Music: [Grunted] Louie, Louie
Action: In place of cowbell, SA in gorilla suit bangs rocks together. Perhaps more people with rocks try to act like the drum noise is coming from the rock banging
Announcer: Evolution took a major leap forward with the development of musical notes. However, the primitive Hunter-Gatherer Bands of the Stone Age were not aware of the limitations of stone as a material for musical instruments, while we[pause] …take it for granite.
Formation: Dinosaur
Music: The Flintstones
Action: SAs try to play stone instruments without notable success. There are, however, notable accidents as the mind-bogglingly heavy instruments fall on their players or others helping to hold them. These players are all dressed in Flintstone-style costumes
Announcer: Fossil records show that many of these early forms of MOBster soon became extinct. We have with us today, however, actual living specimens of the ancestral MOB species: Australopithecus Alumnus. These survivors of the ICE AGE or BIG CHILL will now perform a carefully-restored classic from their long-vanished era. Here they are, perfectly preserved, the Rice Alumni Band.
Formation: Timeline
Music: Rock Around the Clock
Announcer: Finally, Evolution reached its ultimate peak and the modern MOB appeared. As primitive, vestigial traits such as marching vanished, the MOB began to spread outward, sweeping all other life forms aside until it finally achieved its present position of halftime supremacy. We’ve come a long way…
Formation [Script] Rice
Music: Rice’s Honor [played by both bands]
Music: Louie, Louie [started by grunting, indicating that absolutely nothing has really changed]
[NOTE: DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE.]

United States Air Force Academy vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
November 22, 1986

Result: W 17—21

MOB: [Lined up in endzone] “Go Rice!”
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, you just saw the Marching Falcons, representing the United States Air Force Academy. They were brought here by military charter at government expense. Your tax dollars hard at work.
Action: MOB marches 10 yards, then scatters
Announcer: Regardless of what you might think, at least the Air Force band is really in the military, and not just playing soldier … like the Aggies.
Formation: Airplane (1)
Music: Airplane Medley [part one]
Action: At end of part one, the MOB flies to the next set
Announcer: Each year the IRS collects billions and billions of you tax dollars. Haven’t you wondered what the IRS does with all the money they collect? Well… now you know.

Hmmff. The MOB’s entire season cost less than the jet fuel to get their band here.
Formation: Airplane (2)
Music: Airplane Medley [part two]
Action: MOB continues flying after music
Announcer: The Reagan Administration has committed itself to letting private industry take over unprofitable government agencies. That’s why the government decided to get rid of its most deficit-ridden department — the Air Force. There was only one problem — even Frank Lorenzo wouldn’t buy it. However, after weeks of intensive and highly-classified talks, the government finally did the only thing it could — The Air Force was traded to Iran for hostages to be named later.
Formation: Crashing airplane
Music: Airplane Medley [finale]
Action: The airplane formation crashes into the sideline during music, then scatters
Announcer: The skies above us are not so friendly anymore, with both superpowers working on space-based defense systems. The United States has its “Star Wars” program, intended to place an anti-missile shield over this nation. Whether Ronnie’s RAY-GUN will work is being debated, but already the program has produced one tangible result. It has succeeded in creating the world’s first black hole… for money.
Formation: S D I
Music: Star Wars Main Theme
Action: SAs gezilch projectiles toward and then through the goal posts
Announcer: Five years ago, the government figured out a way to save money for the salaries of air traffic controllers. They fired them. In desperation the FAA replaced them with graduates of the air traffic controller school at Texas A&M. They only had to hire six for each airport — one to look at the radar screen and five to yell the commands out of the control tower window.
Formation: Runway (again) (Ed. — again?)
Music: Sabre Dance
Action: Gorilla misdirects SAs in airplane costumes
Announcer: How many times has this happened to you? You’re in mid-flight, soaring above the clouds, when the stewardess suddenly announces that the plane is landing immediately, because the airline has just declared bankruptcy. Why?? Any oil company executive can tell you… Chapter 11 — really — will…
MOB: “Save you money!”
Formation: J U M P
Music: Rock Lobster
Formation: D O W N
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Lots of people jump, leap, fly, or simply plummet, then exeunt all to standing ovation

Rice vs. University of Houston

The Astrodome — Houston, TX
November 29, 1986

Result: W 14—13

“101 Things”

Action: MOB is bunched together on sideline
Announcer: ATTENTION, ATTENTION, ATTENTION… The MOB is preparing to play their first tune, please extinguish all fires and return yourselves to the upright and locked position… The show you are about to see contains scenes so graphic
MOB: “HOW GRAPHIC IS IT?”
Announcer: It’s SO graphic that parents are advised to videotape it for children who are not able to see it in person. Here, we’ll spell it out for you:
Announcer: This afternoon the MOB would like to show you just a few of the 101 Things You Can Do With A Marching Band, That Doesn’t March.
Formation: M O B
Music: Twist and Shout
Action: The usual singing
Announcer: The MOB is a group of trained professional entertainers, and we would like to caution you against trying this next routine in your own home — the odds of incurring serious injury are just too great…

A marchingless band like ours can easily demonstrate many of the laws of nature. Opposites attract. Brownian motion. Entropy. Elastic collision — just watch the tubas. Even the Coriollis effect as our season rapidly goes down the tubes.
Formation: D O W N
Music: Rock Lobster
Action: Demonstrate every known natural law, with formation swirling somewhat at end to demonstrate the Coriollis effect. MOB returns to feet at end of song
Announcer: The MOB salutes the University of Houston officials who made the valiant attempt to play the Cougars’ homecoming game, on campus, in Robertson Stadium. Although the Southwest Conference forced you to play the game here in the Dome, our hats are off to you for at least trying to let the teams play… on grass. If only the Longhorns had shown this kind of support for Edwin Simmons.
Formation: Coat hanger
Music: The Stripper
Announcer: Where were you in 1962? Most undergrads weren’t anywhere. But you could have been a man who took over a struggling football program and turned it into a winner. Coach BIll Yeoman did just that with the Cougars. Now Bill is moving on to a new challenge… raising money for the Cougars during these hard times. We in the MOB would like to say “farewell” to the Coach and offer him a token of our respect… and encouragement for his new position… his first donation…
Formation: B I L L
Music: Auld Lang Syne
Formation: B Y E
Action: Ken Dye gives a framed dollar bill to a representative of the coach (his son, Gary)
Music: Louie, Louie
Action: Exeunt all

University of Texas at Austin vs. Rice

October 4, 1980
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 41—28

Announcer: [With all due apologies to you summer movie fans,] This is a story of Bud and Sissie[, a couple of red neck meadow muffins,] and the two schools that brought them together.
Music: U.T. Intro
Announcer: Bud worked at a Houston oil refinery, but was fired because he kept falling off pieces of equipment. Unable to find work, he enrolled in the largest university in Texas. His favorite pastime was hanging around the base of the scoreboard during games at Memorial Stadium, watching the girls go by.
Music: Lookin’ for Love
Announcer: Bud liked to dress like a preppy cowboy, and soon he was asked to join the Spurs. He fit in quickly, since he chewed tobacco and knew the words to Cotton Eyed Joe. Y’all sing along, ya hear?
Music: Cotton Eyed Joe
Announcer: Now Sissy was a coed at Rice, had won a scholarship in gymnastics, ad specialized in working out on the mechanical bull. [Then?] at the Rice—U.T. football game, their paths crossed when she came up to Bud on the sideline and told him how much she liked Bevo.
Music: [?]

Texas Tech University vs. Rice

October 18, 1980
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 10—3

Formation: Fanfare formation on sidelines
Announcer: It’s late afternoon on a hot and muggy Houston Tuesday in early November. Your daily chores are done: you’ve walked the dog, taken out the trash, and spanked the kids. Yet you’re confused—something isn’t right. Is it something you forgot?
Music: Hail to the Chief fanfare
Announcer: Tonight, the Mudslinging Owl Band presents a closer look at the candidates of the 1980 presidential campaign in “On the Campaign Trail ’80.” We’re not asking you to buy an candidate on faith alone, we’re asking you to compare.
Music: Ease On Down the Road
Action: MOB enters field while playing
Announcer: We all remember the 1976 Cinderella story of a good ol’ boy from Plains, Georgia. This year’s cast is reminiscent not of Cinderella, but of the three characters of the Wizard of Oz. And for Dorothy Q. Voter, the decision of who to vote for won’t be an easy one.
Formation: V O T E
Music: If I Only Had a Brain
Announcer: As Dorothy heads down the yellow brick road towards the voting booth, she meets Ronald Reagan, sitting on his horse in a poppy field, just like in the movies.
Music: Happy Trails
Announcer: Then, Dorothy meets John Anderson, who was bleaching his hair in a stream. Thinking a party was not far away, John got up and followed, too.
Music: It’s Too Late, Baby
Announcer: Finally, Dorothy meets Jimmy Carter, sitting on his tractor. Jimmy had learned that running farm machinery and running party machinery is not the same thing. Then all four of them headed down the yellow brick road together.
Music: Georgia Peanuts
Announcer: As the candidates marched along trying to get Dorothy’s vote, they threw mud at each other and called each other names. But they were all in agreement that no matter who got Dorothy’s vote in November, he’d have to deal with certain international irritations.
Music: Iran-q
Announcer: For Dorothy, it was tough to decide among the three outstanding, decent characters. Then one of the candidates suggested she seek out the advice of his brother, Billy the Wizard. Dorothy found the over-inflated wizard, his reputation full of holes, leaking at the end of a Libyan runway.
Music: Witch Music
Announcer: The wizard pondered Dorothy’s dilemma at great length, finally observing, “Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to vote intelligently on November 4.”
Music: Mission: Impossible
Announcer: In the movie, Dorothy awakens to discover that the whole thing was just a bad dream. We only hope Dorothy Q. Voter’s experience ends as well.
Music: Yellow Brick Road
Action: Exeunt all

Rice vs. Texas A&M University

October 25, 1980
Kyle Field — College Station, TX

Result: W 10—6 (No, really)

“All Over the World”

Formation: Fanfare formation
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, for your halftime entertainment we present the 1980 Rice University Marching Owl Band.
Music: Rice Fanfare
Announcer: Today’s show is entitled “All Over the World,” featuring music and commentary from many corners of the globe. Our correspondents both in the U.S. and abroad are listening in, and to these dedicated onlookers we give our greetings.
Formations: H E L L O, S A L U D, and A L O H A
Music: All Over the World
Announcer:

Joining us here in the broadcast booth is our correspondent from south of the border:

[In Spanish] Good afternoon, Texas A&M. The Rice University MOB brings you another first from Houston: the world’s largest dancing housepest, right here on Kyle Field.

Formation: A common insect housepest
Music: La Cucaracha y Don’t Ask Me Why
Announcer:

The “Texas Cowboy” craze has spread beyond our borders in recent months. And now, for an update, we join our personnel in Tokyo.

[In Japanese] Thank you very much. Cowboy hats and boots have taken over the nightspots in Japan, as clubs all the way from College Station to Osaka dance the “Cotton-Eyed Joe.” [Broken English] And y’all sing along, O.K.?

Music: Cotton-Eyed Joe
Announcer: Unfortunately, not all areas abroad are as serene and peaceful as here, in the Texas countryside. The Middle East, in particular, is often an area of international irritation.
Music: Iran-q
Announcer: We are the lucky ones, because here at home in America, we hold no hostages. As Americans, we can speak our minds and enjoy all the freedoms inherent in our country. In recognition of these privileges, and the responsibilities that make them possible, we salute America, and Americans—all over the world.
Music: America

Southern Methodist University vs. Rice

November 8, 1980
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 34—14

Homecoming 1980
Formation: Fanfare formation
Announcer: And now, the best-dressed band in the land!
Music: SMU Intro
Announcer: Good afternoon, Gentlemen and Ladies, and welcome to Homecoming 1980. For years now our audience has wondered, “Who wears the pants in this band?” That’s an intriguing question, and you may never get a straight answer to that.
Music: I Enjoy Being a Girl
Action: MOB enters to music
Formation: G I R L
Announcer: This afternoon the MOB salutes today’s woman. We salute the career woman for her corporate leadership, the working woman for her hard work and long hours, and the homemaker for her dedication to her family. Today’s woman is achieving greatness in all walks of life, but remember—in front of every great woman there’s a man.
Music: You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby
Formation: Macho set
Music: Macho Man—dance routine
Announcer: Our country, and particularly Texas, owes much to the strength of America’s pioneer woman. Recent history has given us such pioneers as Barbara Jordan, Ma Ferguson, Bonnie Parker, and Farrah Fawcett. These women moved mountains. In recognition, won’t you sing along while the MOB plays “She’ll be comin’ around the mountain.”
Music: Peruna Blues
Formation: Trumpet
Announcer: To wrap up today’s salute, the MOB features Rice’s own red-hot Georgianna Young in “Cornet Man.” The MOB has always had a place for women in our band, because let’s face it—without women, our halftime shows would be a drag.
Music: Cornet Man with feature vocalist

Baylor University vs. Rice

November 15, 1980
Rice Stadium — Houston, TX

Result: L 16—6

(The Bunny Show)

Action: MOB is running from tunnel into Fanfare formation, many with (Playboy) bunny ears
Announcer: It is no secret that we all tend to take things for granted. In particular, have you ever stopped to think of the enormous contributions made to mankind by that cute, cuddly, warm furry animal, the rabbit?
Music: Rabbit Intro
Announcer: Today the MOB investigates this often-overlooked masterpiece of creation. So sit back, and grin and bear it as we take you into the funny, bunny world of rabbits.
Formation: B E A R
Music: Zippity Doo Dah
Announcer: And speaking of rabbits, we welcome the Baylor Bears, and ask them the musical question, “Do you know the way to San Jose?”
Music: Do You Know the Way to San Jose
Formation: H A R E
Announcer: All across the land today we see the fuel-efficient, room-enough-for-four Volkswagen Rabbit. By spending wads of money on the car itself, you save loads on gas. Some would-be rabbit models, though, were recently banned from a certain location in the SouthWest Conference. Perhaps that location is sticking to the Model-T’s.
Music: This Is It and Running on Empty
Formation: VW Rabbit
Announcer: Just recently, Mr. McGregor told the rabbits on the Rice campus that we can not eat family-style in his garden anymore, because we might sneeze or cough on his carrots. That made us hopping mad, Mr. McGregor, because your carrots are inedible anyway.
Music: We Are Family
Formation: 1 0
Announcer: It is a well-known fact that rabbits multiply. But you may not have known that bunnies can cont to ten.
Music: Bolero
Announcer: And finally, we invite our fans to help the MOB along as we perform the “Bunny Hop.” Rice’s Cotton dream may have faded, but Cottontail lives on!
Music: Bunny Hop
Action: Exeunt all to music
And in the April 1981 issue of “Playboy”…

Rice vs. University of Houston

November 29, 1980
Astrodome — Houston, TX

Result: W 35—7

Formation: Fanfare formation
Announcer: And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the 1980 Rice University Marching Owl Band.
Music: Rabbit Intro (This Is It)
Announcer: Many of us have probably suspected that the MOB would do just about anything to get on TV. Well, if that;s what you think, you’re right.
Formation: A B C
Music: Anticipation
Announcer: Today the MOB takes advantage of the free advertising offered by today’s television coverage to bring you an excellent Christmas gift idea—the “Marching Owl Band-in-a-bag.” This gift has something for everyone, and even something for a rainy day.
Formation: Dance lines
Music: Singin’ in the rain
Action: Umbrella dance
Announcer: And for those physical fitness nuts tired of jogging and hunting for tennis courts, the MOB debuts a new package dance and exercise.
Music: Macho Man
Action: Exercise routine
Announcer: For those who go for the “western flair,” the “MOB-in-a-bag” even has something to shake your boot at—the Cotton-Eyed Joe. And y’all do sing along now, y’hear.
Formation: Square dance positions
Music: Cotton-Eyed Joe
Action: Dance to music
Announcer: Also in this limited TV offer, not available in stores, the band-in-a-bag offers the Macho Cowboy something he’s only seen in magazines, his very own bunny.
Formation: Bunny Hop lines
Music: Bunny Hop
Action: MOB changes to Rabbit Ears and dances
Formation: R I C E
Music: Bonnet
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: [Over music] Yes, you can always expect surprises from the “MOB-in-a-bag.” It’s available only at Rice University in a plain brown wrapper. The “MOB-in-a-bag” was prepared by packaging director and general manager Ken Dye. The advertizing and marketing director is David Zumwalt, and his assistant is Michelle Zumwalt. The product line supervisor is John Szalkowski. Packaging aesthetics were provided by Dawn Childress, and I’m Peter Rudenberg, Director of Marketing Presentations. Have a safe, and happy, holiday season.

Rice vs. Southern Methodist University

Texas Stadium — Irving, TX
September 8, 1979

Result: L 17—35

“Performing Arts in Houston”

Announcer: For the benefit of those who don’t often get to Houston from the suburbs of Ft. Worth, the MOB would like to showcase the breadth of culture and good taste that is available in Houston. Because Houston is not only a city of art deco, ship channels, and little Greek dives down by the waterfront, but a community of tasteful people. And since the MOB itself is something of a dabbler in things with good taste, it would like to share with you all a hearty howdy-do to… the Performing Arts in Houston.
Action: MOB forms a semicircle at midfield with a conductor in tux prominently at front.
Announcer: First in our program this afternoon is a look at the Houston Symphony, a totally professional group of musicians and union members who meet the needs of a Houston audience. The MOB will recapture some of the highlights from past seasons, as the Houston Symphony gained further acceptance by playing symphony for the people. Ladies and gentlemen, the Houston Marching Symphony, conducted this week by … uh … another in a series of talented virtuosos, as they perform Richard Wagner’s score from the movie 2001: A Space Oddysey.
Music: Man and Superman
Action: Band plays the all-too-familiar passage from Wagner’s “Man and Superman,” as the conductor directs with a plumber’s helper. As the band finishes with a clash, scantily clad young ladies on the sidelines hold up cards that read “APPLAUSE” to the audience. If done properly, this could be supremely low class.
Announcer: The Houston Marching Symphony will now perform “The Lone Ranger Overture” at a slow trot.
Music: William Tell Overture
Action: Under guidance of conductor directing by clapping two coconut halves together, band plays William Tell Overture passage. Rows of MOB members canter in place in time to music. At finish, girls at sidelines hold up cards with “CLAP A LOT” printed on them, smiling and posing like those women on daytime game shows who adoringly show off the prizes.
Announcer: For their final number, the Houston Marching Symphony will now present Tchaikovsky’s Symphony No. 5 in E minor, Opus 64.
Action: Conductor looks up at press box like he has just been thrown a curveball. He rummages through music n front of him, throwing sheets up in the air, pats himself to make sure it’s not in one of his pockets, shuffles around some, and finally looks up as though he has just thought up an innovative way to get out of the dilemma. He taps the MOB Symphony to attention, raises his directing umbrella, and leads the MOB down the field in semicircular formation to Monty Python Theme. All move with silly step routine. Girls on sidelines hold up cards reading “CHEAT A LOT.”
Music: Monty Python Theme
Action: MOB breaks up and reforms in end zone as announcer continues
Announcer: Yet what is the good of performing arts without competition to ensure that the performers are always on their toes. When a ballerina pirouettes, who can compare it with pirouettes from past seasons or pirouettes performed by other ballet teams? Why not take the best features of sporting and cultural events
Ed. — The page cuts off here; the remainder of the show is missing.

University of Oklahoma vs. Rice


September 29, 1979

Result: L 63—21

“Oklahoma!”

Announcer: Back in the days when poverty was a necessity, writers like John Steinbeck brought us tales of brave men and women not too proud to wear ragged clothes and eat their pets. Here were no sour grapes, but a simple determination to live off the land, wherever the wind might blow it. With the advent of Rodgers and Hammerstein, the theater was exposed to a musical version of life when men were harder and Indians ran wild in “Oklahoma.”
Action: Band enters from sideline
Formation: O K
Music: Oklahoma!
Announcer: The curtain opens to a scene from the western Indian country, at the turn of the century. Curley is coming to visit his girlfriend Laurey to invite her to a social. Laurey is playing hard to get, and decides to go with Moe instead. In the second act, Curley, Laurey, and Moe are bidding for Laurey’s box. Curley ultimately wins, and he goes offstage with Laurey to eat his prize. Moe is left to sing the Rodgers and Hammerstein hit “I Got Plenty of Nuttin’.”
Music: I Got Plenty of Nuttin’
Announcer: The romance of Curley and Laurey develops quickly. Curley gets a job as a missionary with the Indians, and Laurey wants to help him with his missionary position. Soon, they are forced to get married when she discovers she is late. In this moving scene, she sing Rodgers and Hammerstein’s hit “Get Me to the Church in Time.”
Formation: Wedding bells
Music: Get Me to the Church in Time
Announcer: Laurey’s father, Menachem, laments that he is unable to give his daughter the kind of wedding he would like. He had become wealthy by most standards by making undergarments out of the Oklahoma dirt, which he called Fruit of the Loam. Here we see Menachem beggin’ for a better lot in life as he sings Rodgers and Hammerstein’s hit “If I Were a rich Man.”
Formation: Violin
Music: If I Were a Rich Man
Announcer: In the final scene of the musical, one must wonder whatever made the production so popular, until you discover that Curley and Laurey are going off into the promised land, to make a start in life with opportunities and riches and dreams untold. As they ride off into the sunset, the air is filled with Rodgers and Hammerstein’s most famous number… well, let’s see if you recognize it!
Formation: Wagon
Music: California, Here I Come!
Action: Exeunt all

Texas Christian University vs. Rice


October 13, 1979

Result: L 17—7

“Frog”

Setting: Stadium lights are down; MOB on field in symphony formation
Announcer: In the beginning, He made the heavens and the earth, and likeing the way it looked, decided to call it a day. On Wednesday, He made the grasses in the field, and the poppies in the meadow, and the peyote cactus in the desert. Before the weekend came, He fashioned Man out of twigs and topsoil, and breathed life into him with the Holy Bicycle Pump. For now it was all passably good. Being a bit bored with good, He created the not-quite-as-good, and called his handiwork… “Frog.”
Music: Also Sprach Zarathustra [first few bars]
Action: A spotlight hits a costumed Frog at the crescendo. At finish, stadium lights come up.
Announcer:

Due to an oversight, Frog was forgotten when Man and Woman were giving names to all the animals; and since Cecil, Francis, and Kermit were already taken, Frog decided to earn himself the name “Conniving Scoundrel.” So Frog led Woman to believe that partaking of the forbidden fruit would pave the way for clothing, and lipstick, and hydraulic orange juicers; and she did bite. Upon which a voice thundered down from a large cardboard cloud [prop]:

“O crafty Frog, from henceforth thy name shall be Horned Frog, and thou shalt spend thy days hopping around on thy belly, getting shredded by lawnmowers and mashed by tractor trailers.”

Formation: Tree and lawnmower
Action: Frog entices Woman with an oversized pineapple, cowers under the cloud, then wanders into the blades of the mower. Blades of mower revolve as MOB plays.
Music: Theme from M*A*S*H
Announcer: Despised as they were, Frog and his offspring refused to be kept down on the pond. Note how Joseph was sold into slavery for his coat of many frogs. After many weeks in the ark, remember how Noah trusted a frog to search for dry land, and its triumphant return with a lily pad in its mouth. Baby Moses himself was found on the river among the bullfrogs, and later plagued Egypt with a pestilence so unclean and disgusting that the Pharaoh let the Israelites depart before everyone got covered with warts.
Formation: f r o G changing to G O
Music: Exodus [reggae version]
Announcer: After many generations of this, the frogs looked forward to a day when they would not be a standard of everything repulsive in the world. They could not understand why wanton women should be called Prostitoads, or why thieves should be whipped with a frog-o’-nine-tails. They protested the charge that frogs spread leprosy, when anyone with a ganglia in his head knew that leprosy comes from eating unwashed vegetables. Great was the frogs’ relief when word arrived that someone important was on a mount preaching, “Blessed are the spotty little reptiles, for they shall inherit free samples of Compund W.”
Formation: Mountain or wart
Music: Go Tell It on the Mountain
Announcer: At last, there were flies at the end of the tunnel. Maybe the frogs would not always wind up as food for owls. Maybe they would not always suffer the humiliation of mean children sticking lit firecrackers in their mouths. Maybe, just maybe, there was such a thing as… Frog Heaven.
Music: At the Hop
Action: Exeunt all

Texas Tech University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
October 21, 1978

Result: L 42—28

Action: Band(s) enter(s) from tunnel
Music: National Geographic Theme
Announcer:

Any dictionary will tell you that when kangaroos travel in groups, they are called a mob. But when their neighbors to the north get together, they are called the Red Chinese. Unlike the kangaroos, the Chinese are a disciplined group. They dress alike, look alike, and even march to traditional songs. In other words, they put on lousy halftime shows.

With nearly a billion people to organize, you need a fearless leader with a strong party to back him up. That is what Red China had in the crucial years — a party that promised rice in every pouch, and a chairman with the ability to organize great pep rallies. Just who was this leader of the party made for you and me…

The last thing Mickey Mao needed was trouble from bothersome kangaroo mobs. Led by the notorious Captain Kangaroo and his sidekick Mister Greenjeans, the menacing marsupials caused earthquakes and general Confucius, making large chinks in the Great Wall. Even a tough system of kangaroo courts led by a Russian Dancing Bear was unable to keep them out.

Formation: Mickey Mouse
Music: I Feel the Earth Move
Announcer: Meanwhile, back at the Olympics, the Chinese entered the furry invaders into the long jump, high jump, and bamboo pole vault events. They even had a gang of four in the volleyball competition. And before the Grandfather clockcould wind down, they had filled their pouches with gold and silver medals.
Music: Olympic Fanfare
Announcer: Who can say where this Red Plague will strike next? Already we have experienced the Hong Kong flu, purchased thousands of Chinese checkerboards, and named a school in the Southwest Conference after their favorite food. Soon they may unleash their ultimate weapon, guaranteed to put an end to everything, even this silly show. it isn’t pretty, but Chinese fire drills seldom are.

Rice vs. University of Houston

The Astrodome — Housotn, TX
December 2, 1978

Result: L 25—49

“A Lesson in Economics”

Scoreboard:

A LESSON IN ECONOMICS
OR
WHY JOHNNY CAN’T INVEST

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE BROKERS YOU CAN TRUST AT:
H&R MOB
AT H&R MOB, OUR MOTTO IS: GO FOR BROKE

Action: MOBsters, dressed regularly except for jackets and ties over their vests, march to midfield
Scoreboard: PROBLEM #1: U + H = ?
Formation: $
Music: The Sting
Action: $ marches into ¢
Scoreboard: HOW’S THAT FOR A DOWNWARD ADJUSTMENT?
Action: Commercial break as MOBsters in suits and bull heads kick up dust and run over a couple other MOBsters. Stretchers can remove a couple injured instruments.
Announcer: At H&R MOB, our specially trained finance experts know how you should go about securing that one thing you’ve wanted so bad you can practically taste it right now. Yes, we understand you have an interest in protecting your cotton investment this season, so H&R MOB suggests that you corner the Q-Tip industry. That way, you can take all that luscious, fluffy cotton and stick it in a secure place.
Formation: Q-Tip and ear
Music: Dixie
Action: Q-Tip marches into the ear
Scoreboard: Rebel flag
Announcer: No public university can claim a sufficient number of deductions without an absolutely gigantic marching band to write off as a dependent. In Houston alone there is one marching band so huge it can spell out “ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM” with three “G”s to spare. With a band this size, you need a mascot so fierce nobody will laugh when they find out you’ve named it after a brand of root beer.
Formation: Cat face
Music: Shasta Root Beer Theme
Action: To parody the UH white glove treatment, certain MOB members can lay on their backs and stick their feet up in the air, cum white socks.
Scoreboard: [animated from right to left] M E O W then L S [“M E” scrolls off the left side, leaving “OWLS”]
Announcer: The qualified financial analysts of H&R MOB know a good investment when it hits them over the head. That is why you are urged to start collecting pieces of art as a student. Simply by going to a local art festival, you can be exposed to things that normally hang in private collections. The artists at such festivals always appreciate coverage, so even if you go just to look, at least you can get a photograph and run it in the fine arts section of the student newspaper.
Formation: Camera
Music: The Stripper
Scoreboard: FLASH PHOTO?
Announcer: If you are not completely satisfied with the advice of H&R MOB, you may ignore us absolutely free of charge. And if the government should arrest you and throw you in jail for investment fraud and tax evasion, you can count on us to be unhappy about it. Because at H&R MOB, you aren’t just a client, you’re a patsy.
Music: Happy Trails
Action: Exeunt all

Rice vs. Baylor University

Floyd Casey Stadium — Waco, TX
November 12, 1977

Result: L 14—24

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, today the MOB takes a look at a little-known segment of the Rice community. Journey with us now to the make-believe world of the arts at Rice.
Action: Band enters from sidelines
Announcer: Hidden in the musty shadows of the Rice tennis stadium are two showpieces of modern architecture. Known to all of us as Mediocre Center and the Art Barn, these structures house numerous unclaimed works of art and occasional damaged freight. Most importantly, they have provided the opportunity for Rice students to observe the intrinsic cultural value of such epics as King Kong and Behind the Green Door. Join the MOB in their musical cry for continued lusty entertainment — “More, more, more!”
Formation: Two buildings
Music: More, More, More
Announcer: Nestled in the groin of the Rice campus, the school of architecture meets after curfew every evening in Anderson Hall. Most of what goes on here can only be surmised from rumors and the graffiti which we have read in their restrooms. You may have lived next door to an ARCHI for years and not known it. Next time you pull an all-nighter, take a break and drop by the archi labs — if you dare!
Formation: Two bloodshot eyes
Music: Strangers in the Night
Announcer: Most of the modern sculptures on the Rice campus were hauled away by overzealous garbagemen until Sewall Hall was built to protect them.Now, however, a crazed welder can fuse oil drums to a ’55 Chevy and not have to worry about having it towed away. The MOB has formed their own creation entitled “Shootout at the Chewing Tobacco Factory” for your viewing pleasure.
Formation: Amorphous blob
Music: Hey, Look Me Over
Announcer: The year 1975 marked a milestone in Rice cultural history. This was the inaugural year of the Sheepherder School of Music… and with it came a whole batch of courses which were impossible to schedule. Under the command of Emperor Samerius Jones, the MOB is being mutated into the Marching Owl Orchestra, or the MOO, as it shall come to be known. With us today is the owner of the finest stereo equipment on campus, the Wizard of the Eighth Flat, His Royal Highness, Emperor Jones!
Formation: Concert formation
Music: Theme from Bullwinkle
Action: Jones is carried out on a sedan chair
Announcer: For his guest performance today, the Emp — as he is known by the band — has chosen a challenging piece for our fledgling group entitled “Symphonies for Sightless Mice, Opus #3.” If you please, Micetro!
Music: Three Blind Mice
Announcer: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. And remember, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Don’t miss the annual Rice Art Show and Garage Sale.

University of Utah vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 18, 1976

Result: W 22—43

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, appearing for the first time this season — a group that is known from College Station to the Astrodome — the Showband of South Main — the 1976 MOB!
Action: Band enters field during pauses in above presentation
Announcer:

As you may know, our critics often point to an apparent lack of precision in our marching formations. Instead, the praise the well-rehearsed drills of other college bands: the ones that send people rushing to the concession stands, and have been known to put small children to sleep. Tonight, we will prove that we can do everything other bands can do — better.

Let us begin with a drill called the counter-march, which is very popular with college military bands. In the MOB, we call this maneuver “advancing to the rear!”

Action: Band marches up field and back
Music: Colonel Bogey Theme
Announcer: Up in Austin, the college band does a routine called the diamond drill. This university, of course, is best known for having established the famous Monte Carlo, Cutlass, T-Bird, and Corvette football scholarships. In addition, they give music scholarships to people who carry flags. The MOB is not as fortunate, however, and we ask our people to perform double duty.
Action: Diamonds march at each other with jousting poles. Casualties result; emergency corps runs out on field to assist.
Announcer: Some of the all-male bands do a little gay routine called the pinwheel. The MOB got a peek at their practice sessions, and this is how they went…
Action: Band turns around two giant Maypoles
Announcer: The marching bands in the Texas Panhandle can be so big, they must compensate for the curvature of the earth in their formations. They do a routine called the circle drill, which was an idea they got while making oil wells, and their music features several herds of majorettes. The MOB is so small, of course, that they travel in Volkswagens on band trips. Nevertheless, we, too, are proud to introduce our new twirlers!

Rice vs. Louisiana State University

Tiger Stadium — Baton Rouge, LA
September 25, 1976

Result: L 0—31

“Kenya Digwhat Amin”

Announcer: He knew he was destined for greatness early in his life. He spent his free time playing mumbly peg with dim-witted quadrupeds. In his high school yearbook, he appears as the captain of the Schizophrenia Club. Lest his cherished 0.2 grade point average be wasted, he plots for the blackmail of the principal and earns the title of valedictorian for life.
Formation: ?
Music: Pomp and Circumstance
Action: Idi Amin parades down the sideline. Plants in audience throw objects and boo.
Announcer: Idi then goes away to Uganda A&M University, where he majors in civil disobedience. He works at odd jobs to make money, spending his weekends working as a tailgunner on a banana truck. It was during this period that he met the first of his several hundred wives. She was a patient recuperating from a prefrontal lobotomy, but she could not resist his passionate overtures. Her name was Digwhat and, after a brief honeymoon, Idi and Digwhat made their home in a late model Cadillac.
Formation: Heart
Music: [love song]
Announcer: Then disaster struck: A civil war broke out, and the flowers of Uganda’s youth were wiped out in the fighting — half-brother against half-brother. A V.D. epidemic spreads through the country as well, but young Idi — largely because of the resistance he had developed — spurns the penicillin he is offered. He takes over command of the rebel troops from a field post in Israel, where he is given the nickname “Coon Ass.”
Formation: Two cannons, facing each other
Music: Over There
Action: A war against V.D.
Announcer: With the war over, Idi runs for president against the late incumbent. Thanks to his clever politicking, he had 5 times more votes than the entire population of Uganda. Under his leadership, the biggest domestic industry is that of the undertakers. The literacy rate has fallen, etc. The MOB has formed the new national flag of Uganda: two loose screw on a field of ignorance.
Formation: Flag

Texas Tech University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
October 16, 1976

Result: L 37—13
Ed. — This is the best guess performance date for this script from sometime in the 70s.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the question has often been asked, “What will the MOB be like in the future?” After many hours of genuflection and a few trips to our greasy Quija [sic] Board, we have perceived the answer to this riddle. Tonight, we are proud to present the MOB 50 years from now — the Geriatic Owl Band!
Action: Band shuffles out of tunnel dressed as senior citizens
Announcer: Yes friends, here comes the group that has been laughed at by more people than even the Rice cheerleaders. While we’re waiting for them to get into their first formation, I’ll bring you up to date on what has happened over the years. The uniforms, you may note, are the same. They have survived floods, fistfights, and hollow attempts by the administration at replacing them. Fortunately, a recent plan hopes to shrink the coats and sell them as tuxedos for cockroaches. The fuzzy white hats were sold several years ago to be used as Q-tips for sperm whales. And, to this day, wherever the band goes, their critics are sure to be right behind them.
Action: Band has assumed first formation; drum major blows whistle
Announcer: On those lazy afternoons while they’re waiting for the morning mail, the aging MOBsters like to pass the time feeding their pet cowbirds. By smuggling out their ample leftovers from dormitory meals, they provide the daily minimum requirement for thousands of these feathered friends. As a result, these handsome pets make a point of “dropping by” the campus every day.
Music: Raindrops Keep Falling in My Head
Announcer: Some people wonder if there’s sex after sixty. We’d like to think that there is, but we’re not sure. We’ve been at Rice all this time, and we’re not even sure there is sex after high school. The MOB has formed two doubting hearts and plays tribute to their 50 years of cold showers.
Formation: Two hearts
Music: Will You Still Love Me at 64?
Announcer: Some things in life cannot be hurried at our age. Although other people rely on Serutan to help Nature’s way, the food service has been adding a secret ingredient to all main dishes served on campus for years. The MOB has formed a prune and salutes this unsung fruit with a little number to get the band moving.
Formation: Prune
Music: Pop, Pop, Fizz, Fizz
Action: Bands marches off field to music
Announcer: There you have it fans, a real bunch of regular guys! Thank you and good night.

Rice vs. University of Houston

(Rice visitor) Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
November 27, 1976

Result: L 20—42

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, in honor of the newest member of the Southwest Conference, the MOB would like to salute the “other” university in town — know affectionately by its initials as “UH” or “You Hoo!”
Announcer: The MOB would like to congradulate [sic] to Bougars [sic] on their fine record this season — it’s about time somebody’s team got LUCKY! The winner of today’s game will receive the Bayour Bucket [sic] we’re not sure what comes in the bucket — maybe enough (breast and thighs) drumsticks and coleslaw to feed the winners. Speaking of chicken, the loser will play the Houston Oilers to determine who will receive a map of La Grange autographed by Maaaaaarvin Zindler!
Formation: Bucket
Music: Football Hero
Announcer: The MOB took a trip to the Cougar campus to find out more about our sister school. Unfortunately, we were unable to find a place to park! So we took a survey and found there were 2,500 more cars than students enrolled on campus. We suspect that the U of H campus is where they store the cars used to clog the Gulf Freeway in the afternoons! To salute this mess, the MOB has formed and [sic] empty parking space and plays “It’s Impossible.”
Formation: 3/4 of a diamond
Music: It’s Impossible
Announcer: We stumbled upon registration which seems to be a recreation of Napoleon’s Retreat from Russia. In a huge oval room, the masses file in endless circles, the silence broken by cries for water and the screams of deranged students who find themselves with five 8:00 classes. Under the watchful eye of friendly, efficient, and helpful administrators, students and the computer play a “friendly” version of the Match Game. Watch now as the MOB reenacts what it saw.
Formation: Two ovals
Music: Volga Boat Song
Action: Band marches in circles
Announcer: Today’s game marks several historic first [sic], one of which the MOB finds quite remarkable. How often have YOU played and [sic] away game in your own stadium? The MOB has pondered this curious situation for at least thirty seconds and we feel there are two answers:
One — We want the parking receipts,
Two — playing in Rice Stadium would enable the MOB to perform its show in a safe and secure setting, without andy [sic] worry of outside inter—
Loudspeaker: *RIP* then silence
Announcer: [Deep voice] The band will now play Dragnet. [10 second pause] Ladies and gentlemen, the MOB is finished, you enjoyed it, and you wil [sic] now clap. GOOD DAY!!!

Note from Grungy:

The parking space we formed was a diagonal — a big, tilted and inverted “U.” The alert driver of the UH big-red-football-helmet-on-a-golfcart drove right into the center of the formation and parked. They showed us up on our own joke, but it got a good laugh from the crowd.

The final bit is in reference to Judge Hofheinz having our script pulled during our ’75 UH show in the Astrodome.

[The script] is from either ’76 or ’77. This is with all the typos (for the website and archives).

Rice vs. University of Houston

The Astrodome — Houston, TX
September 13, 1975

Result: W 24—7

Announcer: From under the tables at Willy’s Pub, ladies and gentlemen, the Marching Owl Band!
Announcer: Summer brought many changes to Houston. Why, the Astrodome itself became number two, not to Jay Mark’s bald spot, but to New Orleans’ Superdome. We now sit in the world’s smallest enclosed football stadium, like the Astros: first in war, first in peace, and last in the National League. But trying, very trying.
Formation: 2
Music: When the Saints Go Marching In
Announcer: While crying over our loss of stature, Houstonians can still take pride in the Dome’s monumental scoreboard — a wonder of Madison Avenue technology. The Arabs may have all the oil, but it’s still a drop in the bucket compared to the world’s largest Oil ads.
Formation: Texaco teardrop
Announcer: Yes, it was a bad year all around this summer in the Astrodome. The Astros were so bad, the Lord tried to rain them out. The MOB forms waves and salutes life’s small wet spots with “Raindrops Kepp Fallin’ on My Head.”
Formation: Waves
Music: Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head
Ed. — At this point, Bobby Risinger removed the script from the hands of the announcer, Marc. The audience witnessed the remainder of the musical performance, but did not hear the rest of the script as written.
Announcer: The Dome’s problems were a molehill compared to those in the Rockies. Coors wanted to bring its spring brew to the bayou, and Spiro Agnew went to the mountain — shown on the field — to get a license for dealing. He didn’t get it. Coors called it “nolo contendere.” That says it all.
Formation: Mountain
Music: You’ve Said It All
Announcer: This show is entirely weak, and the MOB needs its Wheaties. However, the box is empty — no ifs, and or Butz. The wheat’s been exiled to Siberia, which is where some would like to send our band. So that’s where we’ll return, to our breakfast of champions.
Formation: Cereal box
Music: Volga Boat Song

Texas A&M University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
November 15, 1975

Result: L 33—14

“Secret Owl Band”

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, today the MOB pokes fun at… Rice University itself. Presenting the premier performance of the Secret Owl Band — the S.O.B.s!
Action: Band comes out of tunnel under sheets or large parachutes, oozing out to center of field. Attendants remove wraps to reveal band members wearing various Halloween masks.
Announcer: Today’s show is a salute to some of the institutions which make up Rice University. The S.O.B.s have formed a large owl, the mascot of the school. It seems that our friends and relatives always give worthless nick-nacks as gifts for all occasions. By the time he graduates, the rice student can amass hundreds of these senseless items. Sometimes it seems that people in the real world never miss a chance to ive us the bird.
Formation: Owl
Music: Theme from Shaft
Announcer: The S.O.B.s now pay tribute to the value of a Rice education. After four years and thousands of dollars, the hopeful graduate goes out into the job market. The band has formed a big dollar and a four-leaf clover, because in the long run, the only way a Rice graduate gets rich is the same way as everyone else — with a little bit of luck!
Formation: $ and four-leaf clover
Music: A Little Bit of Luck
Announcer: The S.O.B.s now salute athletics at Rice. The teams which we field in the Southwest Conference are typical of individuals at Rice — they have their moments of brilliance, but they sometimes tend to collapse under pressure. The band has formed a football, basketball, and baseball. Watch now as these balls lose their hot air.
Formation: Football, basketball, and baseball.
Music: You Gotta Be a Football Hero
Announcer: Finally, the S.O.B.s pause to remember the MOB of years past. Even though they had good intentions, they spent more time in hot water than a teabag. The band, with tongue-in-cheek, has formed the rump of the old MOB. Watch now as they get a chunk removed by their critics.
Formation: A human hindside
Music: Those Were the Days
Announcer: There you have it fans, another season down the tube.
Loudspeaker: Audio clip of toilet flushing
Action: Band runs in circles, exits via tunnel
Announcer: Thank you and good day.

University of Texas at Austin vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
October 26, 1974

Result: L 27—6

“A Few Remarx”

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this evening, the MOB would like to honor again the humor of Groucho, Harpo, Chico, and Zeppo with a few remarx.
Action: Band comes out to tape
Formation: M[?]
Announcer: There you have it — the remarxable Marxing Owl Band!
Announcer: Whenever a Marching Band pays tribute, they play an appropriate tune and demonstrate how well they can march and countermarch up and down the field. The MOB, trying hard for all the alumni, thus demonstrates their own way to marx and countermarx up and down the field, to the music of — what else? — “Viva Marx!”
Action: MOB does “marxing” show
Announcer: The MOB now salutes the other Marx brother, Kar, by forming a hammer and popsicle (after all, it is a cold war!) and playing a song by Lennon: “Revolution.”
Formation: Hammer and popsicle
Music: Revolution
Announcer: The MOB has now formed a football and an academic tower with a clock (at UT they call this a clockwork orange) to salute a famous Marx Brothers movie, the timeless Horsefeathers. Groucho becomes the president of Huxley College, which has had one per year since 1888. (Sound familiar??) Wishing to cast no aspersions, Groucho expounds his own view of football and academics.
Loudspeaker: Audio clip
Formation: Tower
Action: Band plays “Football Hero,” knocks off clock.
Announcer:

This concludes our halftime show. Thank you and good night. We now turn the program over to other homecoming activities.

In keeping with MOB tradition, we now present the UT band director, Dr. Vincent DeNino with the LARGEST Groucho face in the world!!!

Texas A&M University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
November 17, 1973

Result: W 24—20

[Later named “The Halftime of Infamy”]

Action: Band lines up on north end of field. Called to attention.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the 1973 Marching Owl Band, or MOB — the only thing funnier than a good Aggie joke. The MOB is directed by Mr. Bert Roth, with twirlers Janet Breston, Suzan McCorkle, Liz Moy, and Karen Blackwell. And, in his last appearance with the MOB today, the person responsible for pulling together the halftime shows this year, Drum Major Bob Hord.
Music: Fanfare
Announcer: Today the MOB salutes Texas A&M and the Aggie band. So to begin, the band will warm up with a little old-fashioned military marching. [in German accent] You will enjoy!
Action: Band goosesteps out to old Germanesque march.
Announcer: Before we go any further into our halftime festivities, the MOB takes time to pay tribute to Mr. Marvin Zindler. [pause] Yes, you heard correctly — the MOB has formed a large chicken thigh, and Marvin Zindler (the most hated man in Lagrange) will twirl to that famous greeting “Hello, Dolly.”
Formation: Chicken leg
Music: Hello, Dolly
Announcer: The MOB has formed a famous Senior Boot, the greatest thing to happen to Aggieland since the manure spreader. [pause] Aggie freshmen will agree that at the base of every Senior Boot is a big heel.
Formation: Boot
Music: Get It On
Announcer: The MOB now salutes Reveille, the mascot of the Aggies. This is a little dog with a big responsibility. But even Reveille likes to make that pause that refreshes. [pause] So the MOB has formed a fire hydrant and plays “Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?”
Formation: Fire hydrant
Music: Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?
Announcer: The MOB now salutes the Marching Band from Aggieland by forming their famous marching T. [pause] Watch now as the MOB has it their way.
Formation: T
Music: Bugle call into Aggie War Hymn, transitioning into Little Wooden Soldier March
Announcer: There you have it, fans, the band that never sounds retreat. Thank you and goodbye.
Action: Band runs off while trumpets blow “Retreat”

Baylor University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
December 1, 1973

Result: W 27—0

Action: Band forms in the south tunnel.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, direct from their Thanksgiving vacation in the south end zone tunnel, the most talked about band in the land, the 1973 MOB!
Announcer: Misdirected by Mr. Bert Roth, and under the field leadership of retiring Drum Major Bob Hord, and the new Drum Major for the 1974 football season, George Pharr. Twirlers are Janet Briston, Suzan McCorkle, Liz, Moy, and Karen Blackwell.
Formation: XEROX
Music: I Feel the Earth Move
Announcer: The MOB has spelled out “XEROX,” the only thing we know of that can copy something else perfectly. [pause] We really question the value of such a device, however — after all, there’s more to life than just reproduction.
Announcer: The MOB wanted to pay tribute to something non-controversial, so they formed a huge zero [pause] and they do a salute to — nothing at all!
Formation: 0
Music: I Got Plenty O’ Nuttin’
Announcer: Notice how the MOB has cleverly formed a huge vanilla wafer. [pause] It may be bland, but it’s never distasteful.
Formation: Vanilla wafer
Announcer: The MOB climaxes their season with a salute to our new found friend — the Rice Food Service Truck. [pause] After all the times we thought they were trying to poison us, these spunky vehicles came to our aid in a time of great need. [pause] Watch now as the MOB leaves the stadium for the last time. Don’t worry, Mom, we’ll be home in plenty of time for supper tonight.
Formation: Truck
Music: Theme from EXODUS
Action: MOB marches off in truck formation
Announcer: There you have it, fans: 1973 — the year of the MOB. [pause] Thank you and goodbye until next year!

Clemson University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 23, 1972

Result: W 10—29

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the 1972 MOB, the precision marching band with
a mind of its own. Tonight, the MOB salutes the high school bands which competed in the Band Day competition held this afternoon, and recognizes the hard work and time spent in preparing their shows.
Music: Fanfare
Announcer: The MOB does not have time to perfect the complex routines other bands perform. Tonight, however, the MOB will attempt to execute the precision drills of other bands, with a little MOB flavor, of course.
Music: Fight Song
Action: Block marching during Fight Song. Stops in four formations.
Announcer: The MOB has formed four quadrants, and each will march a routine familiar to all: the pinwheel, the circle, the block band, and the diamond drills. The MOB will prove that not only can it do everything, but also it can do everything at the same time. The music? — that old band favorite — “Be Kind to Your Web-Footed Friends.”
Music: Be Kind to Your Web-Footed Friends
Announcer: Spell-out drills are popular in many bands, so watch now as the MOB forms its friendly greeting! [Ad-lib commentary on foul-up]
Formation: HELLO
Announcer: The twirlers are the center of attraction in all halftimes, so the MOB pays tribute to its breathtaking beauties — the dropouts of the drop slot. May we have a drum roll please!
Action: Roll bass drum around
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the 1972 MOB twirlers.
Music: Hey Look Me Over
Announcer: No band worth its salt would fail to play the pep song as it leaves the field, so the MOB will now do its part for school spirit.
Music: Bonnet
Action: Exeunt all
Announcer: There you have it, fans: proof that the MOB can do anything other bands do better. In this world of one-upmanship, though, there can be only one MOB! Thank you and good night.

University of Southern California vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 18, 1971

Result: L 24—0

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, scattered over the four corners of the Earth: the MOB — the 1971 Marching Owl Band!
Announcer: The MOB has formed a television set, for tonight’s show is a sampling of the boob tube’s greatest nemesis — the commercial.
Formation: TV
Music: NBC Fanfare
Loudspeaker: The Real Thing
Announcer: 16.57% of all TV commercials are about hair and how to take care of it. Foremost among these is the one in which a young long-hair is sitting in the barber’s chair, when his girlfriend enters and says, “You cut one lock of his hair and I’ll melt your scissors!” The MOB has appropriately formed a head of long hair and will play the title song from — what else? — the musical Hair.
Formation: Hair
Music: Hair
Loudspeaker: NBC
Announcer: Clean hair, of course, deserves a clean face. Rid your face of unsightly blemishes with OJ’s, Clearasil, or the product of your choice. The MOB has formed an acne pimple to play “Put on a Happy Face.”
Formation: Pimple
Music: Put on a Happy Face
Loudspeaker: NBC
Announcer: A spotless bathroom bowl is a must in any house. Leaving yours dirty could lead to many complications. The MOB plays “Goin’ Outa My Head” while in toilet bowl formation.
Formation: Toilet
Music: Goin’ Outa My Head
Loudspeaker: NBC
Announcer: A beer in the hand is worth two in the bush. Or, no football game is really complete without spirit. To commemorate beer commercials, the MOB has formed the world’s largest beer can and will play “You’ve Said It All.”
Formation: Beer can
Music: You’ve Said It All
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, we have said it all — and maybe too much. Thank you and good night!
Action: Exeunt all
Action: Thursday’s Children enters field
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the Marching Owl Band takes pleasure in presenting the popular Houston recording group: Thursday’s Children!
Music: Soul Shake
Announcer: In honor of our visitors tonight from California, the earthquake state, Thursday’s Children will now play the popular Carole King song, “I Feel the Earth Move.”
Music: I Feel the Earth Move
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Thursday’s Children.
Action: Exit

Texas A&M University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
November 13, 1971

Result: L 18—13

“The State of the Union”

Action: Band called to attention
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing a totally different concept in halftime entertainment: the MOB — the 1971 Marching Owl Band. today the MOB depicts, in its unquestionably unique style, several national problems which currently plague the U.S. The show is entitled “The State of the Union” — and to start it off, the MOB marches to a traditional song of the Union, “Yankee Doodle.”
Music: Yankee Doodle
Announcer: Connect the dots, ladies and gentlemen, and you have a map of the United States.
Announcer: The first formation is a hill, and is dedicated to a figure in American politics. Spiro Agnew has been the target of a great deal of kidding since he took office, and in this same good-natured spirit and not one of serious criticism, the MOB dedicates the following song to Mr. Agnew: “The Fool on the Hill.”
Formation: Hill
Music: The Fool on the Hill
Announcer: The problem of pollution is acquiring increasing urgency every day. In Houston, the symbol of pollution is the ship channel. The MOB has formed the Houston Ship Channel and now plays “Moon River.”
Formation: Ship channel
Music: Moon River
Announcer: The state of the economy is illustrated next. The MOB shows US economic tendencies by forming a dollar bill and playing “Big Spender.”
Formation: Dollar bill
Music: Big Spender
Announcer: The effect of the spending policy is shown as the dollar bill is transformed into a cent mark. The plight of the American taxpayer is stated in “I Got Plenty O’ Nothin’!”
Formation: ¢
Music: I Got Plenty O’ Nothin’
Formation: 46
Announcer: We now direct your attention to a presentation on the field by Bill Whittmore.

Louisiana State University vs. Rice

Rice Stadium — Houston, TX
September 28, 1968

Result: L 21—7

Music: Fast, off-field drum cadence
Action: Majestic entrance
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen… We are proud to present the Rice Owl Band, under the direction of Bert Roth and Chris Colvert. This is the largest marching band Rice University has ever fielded. The “Voice of the Rice Owl Band” is Jon Enloe.
Music: Majestic Fanfare Company Fanfare 5, by E.C. Holland (faster; 15-20 loud musicians)
Announcer: The Drum Major of the band is Norman Lanford: his assistant is David Ammerman. Carolyn Morris and Vicki Pearson are head twirlers; also featuring Jane Hanblen, Dodie Worboys, Debbie Lowe, and Linda Routh. Band President is Pat Campbell, and Tom Revely is Business Manager
Action: Fast step off into drill to Robinson’s Grand Entry
Announcer: The Band now steps off into a precision step off drill to the strains of the Karl King March, by Karl King, one of America’s best known march composers.
Music: Blues Marquee of Solemn Robinson (end)
Announcer: The Band would now like to pay tribute to Mr. Kit Reid, second director of the Rice Band, from 1938 to 1950. While Kit was a student at Rice, he earned his letter “R” in pole vault and track competition. During the Big Band Era, Kit played with the bands of Benny Goodman, Joe Venuti, and Bob Crosby. He was also a member of the Houston Symphony for over 20 years, but his real love was helping younger people. Kit Reid, Jr. is playing his father’s favorite song, “When the Saints Go Marchin’ In.” We of the Rice Band and all of Rice University deeply appreciate the years of service Kit devoted here.
Music: When the Saints Go Marchin’ In (solo trumpet — Kit Reid, Jr.)
Music: We’re in the Money (brighter, start in earnest)
Announcer:

The Band forms a “UF” for United Fund to remind you that the fund drive is now in progress and needs your help. Please support this worthy cause.

Announcer: And now, another public service announcement: according to the Rice Band, the exact time is [read off marquee]… And the time is now [add one minute].
Music: My Hands (slower, tongue in cheek)
Announcer: And the temperature on the field is [marquee] degrees Fahrenheit. And the temperature on the field is [marquee] degrees Centigrade. [Exact temp: 77F, Blue Skies]
Music: fast Signature Bonnet
Announcer: Thank you, ladies and (not gentle) men, and now for another 30 minutes of football action. (Traditional)
the rest is a blur…